Read all about it
by sassaricando
Summary: Falling into the portal with Emma, Henry and the pirate wasn't easy. Neither was going to FTL to see her mother raising a six year old Zelena. So when her son plotted to get her together with the Savior and the handless fool kept making moon-eyes at Cora, Regina knew they were walking a fine line by defying Fate and erasing the book. But maybe they could write something better. SQ
1. Chapter 1

_'Regina found herself in the same unfortunate predicament yet again: jumping inside a portal after her very curious son and being followed by Miss Swan and the insipid pirate. Only this time they didn't land in Neverland to overcome a boy with growing issues, but rather they were sucked to the Enchanted Forest back in time. Back exactly six years after her mother decided to keep Zelena and changed everyone's future with that simple decision. So now their mission was to make sure the brunette was born and somehow preserve their identity while they figured a way back home. Certainly it wasn't the simplest quest. Not when her son was plotting an operation to get her together with his crude birth mother and the handless drunk was making moon-eyes at Cora._

_If that wasn't stressful enough, they needed to save mother and sister who wronged her from the dark presence of a mysterious man with an uncanny connection to her family and had his mind set on controlling a little blond girl with ice powers. While Henry's lies got spread like wildfire and painted targets on their backs, they all learned about taking responsibility as Regina's cohort of misfits mortified her with their brash actions erasing the past and rewriting a new story._

_One where the Evil Queen wasn't that evil and could find that her True Love wasn't supposed to be sweet and gentle Daniel, but the crass offspring of her great nemesis who had her stubborn mind set on saving her against all odds._

_One where they must fight with all their might not to bent to their fortune because destiny is not set on stone. With the life altering fact that sometimes evil is indeed born and Fate strings are the hardest to break._

_(Still it would all be less draining if the coarse and lewd pirate wasn't trying to court her mother and be a father to her wicked sister. But well, at least he wasn't trying to woo Miss Swan anymore, so small victories.)'_

Yes, endless summary I know and I'm sorry. Hope to hear your thoughts and criticism. Mistakes are all mine and all that jazz (if someone's willing to proofread this I won't be opposed. I'd probably throw a ball in fact.).

Oh, it's a Swan Queen story of fucking course, Black Hook (as in Hook and Cora) and Elsa|Zelena (Frozen Witch, Ice Wicked, not sure) very, very later on.

**Disclaimer**: I only own my sore throat and my cold. Not Once Upon a Time and not a dime to my name.

* * *

"We have to talk now, Miss Swan." That said, as politely as her fuming mood could have allowed, Regina turned on her heels and marched out of the diner to wait for the woman.

With a deep sigh to control her murderous determination, the brunette crossed her arms and straightened her resolve.

The idiot _knew _what their conversation was about, if her guilty face and scared eyes were worth a hint. Besides she couldn't be _that _dense.

But then again, the blonde wasn't known for her deep intellect and wise choices. Especially regarding her significant others. From a coward who left her in jail to pay for _his _crimes to a handless drunk pirate who still could live another thousand years and never comprehend the meaning of a simple and straight 'no', the Savior had covered all the bases. Or so she thought.

Until her last romantic endeavor with a flying monkey, that was the final nail in her proverbial coffin.

Well, Miss Swan's lack of self-esteem and repulsive love affairs were not the topic of their discussion now - or ever. Merely the fact that she was planning to take _her son _back to New York without saying a word about it -not that it would change a thing, although Regina had every right to know, if only to prevent said twisted plan - was simply preposterous!

And trust the former Evil Queen to make her opinion on the matter very _clear_.

"Hey, Regina! I-"

"How dare you?!" She turned a vindictive glare to her companion that made the woman shut her mouth and bite her tongue. Good. "How dare you plan to kidnap _my_ son back to New York without telling me a word?"

The guilty look on the cursed woman's face did little to reassure her. In fact, it only spurred her more in her regal march until she was face to face with a frightened savior.

"Look, I'm sorry about it, but I just-" The blonde tried to talk her nonsense but once again she was cut short by the mayor.

"You just what, Miss Swan?" She enunciated her words very slowly trying to take her anger in control. To no avail. Probably because the kidnapper was looking pale and tongue-tied while she took deep breaths. "Let me see, you just though that you have any right to take Henry back with you since I, regrettably, gave you my memories of _our _life together and because of that you assumed you are entitled to make the calls about his life now?"

After hearing that, the obnoxious woman took the last step into Regina's personal space assuming her attacking posture and sneered back with an annoyed stare that cut through her soul. That was better for it was almost ordinary for them.

Almost being the imperative word.

Any other day she would have spared a minute or two to analyze this unfortunate predicament she found herself in -with the arrogant savior more or less glued to her upper body and baring her teeth like an animal preparing to bite her mouth off; she could even feel the idiot's breaths on her face; as if the blonde would be _that _crazy to try to attack her physically.

But today wasn't any other day and in addition to feeling a sudden urge to throw the exasperating blonde away, nothing that woman did would make her back off.

"Here's the thing, Regina, Henry is _my _son with or without your memories. So if he and I decide to go live in hell, you can bet your goddamn money that we will and you won't try to stop us!" She had the audacity to contemplate that delusion as if the brunette would just let her gallivant around the world doing lord knows what with _her _precious boy.

Oh the fool had no idea how close she was to flying through Granny's windows like her last furry valentine.

"Don't you try-"

"Hey, moms! Let's come inside! Grandma said it's time to hear my uncle's name- whoa! That's creepy!" Before Regina could set the blonde aflame where she stood, Henry appeared just behind them and his voice was enough to make the foolish savior jump back with the brunette still staring daggers at her, cringing at her lack of social grace. Sadly the insufferable woman's scared leap was a dead giveaway and her boy only looked at them and sighed. The former Evil Queen rolled her eyes, that woman was simply impossible! "Don't tell me you two are arguing again? Come on now, what's that about?"

If looks could kill, Regina would be chucking Miss Swan's body into the sea before dinner.

"We are having a conversation, kid." The fool said making the brunette narrow her eyes. "We will be back-"

"Aye, love!" Unfortunately that hideous voice could only belong to a person. One that she despised with an endless passion. "Well, hello, Regina." He had the audacity to smirk at her. She sneered at him and he turned his coarse gaze towards the former sheriff. "Anyway, your parents are only waiting for you two to make their announcement so hurry up, ladies. Before your mother starts one of her lectures about family always sticking together and David says you'll always find each other." The repugnant man said and the ruffian savior made a face while Regina and Henry rolled their eyes. "Yeah, it gets quite tiring after some time." The other three sighed and her son glared at them with an 'and it will be your fault' begging to be said.

Regina had to agree with that. She spent enough time trying to redeem herself to let the idiots bring the Evil Queen back with that ridiculously sappy sentence. Her son would be disappointed.

Even though her relationship with those two was slightly less homicide - because nothing restored peace as much as a life threatening family reunion with lunatic siblings, deadly confrontations and time traveling spells. Maybe alcohol, but she wouldn't endure the misery that two drunk Charmings would most likely bring. And, out of the little goodness still resting in her heart, she still extended the truce to their brash older spawn.

Only to be betrayed. Again.

So yes, it was wise to say that she wasn't feeling very generous with that godforsaken family now.

"And Robin is asking for you, Regina." Oh! She almost forgot her soulmate in her desperate need to break the former sheriff's neck. The name brought a small smile to her face.

That Miss Swan made her personal duty to take it off a second later.

"Of course he is." Said Savior sneered with a distaste that took even Henry by surprise. She gritted her teeth. It would be oh so easy to throw a fireball at her right now.

Smile long gone, she didn't even hide or pretended not to glare at the woman. Who was glaring just back at her.

"Whoa, love! What's wrong with the lad? Anything you want to share with us?" The blonde turned her ice cold eyes towards the brainless pirate with a force that could have given her a whiplash.

Regrettably it didn't.

And the handless wonder kept his perverted smirk in place.

"Guys, just look at that!" Henry yelled pointing at something luckily interrupting that idiotic stare contest between Miss Swan and her filthy man toy before he made another comment that would leave Regina no option but to magic away his tongue. "Hey, you need to see it!" Her son said impatiently.

"What's wrong, Hen-"

"What the fuck is that?!" The brunette's question was interrupted by the crass blonde's impolite yelp and she couldn't help her hateful stare.

At least the woman had the decency to look somewhat ashamed. If she was ever capable of such feat.

"Bloody hell!" Then it was her sad excuse for a lover's time to express his surprise. And it still eluded her how could a man as unpolished as that one have better manners than a _princess_. "What in God's name is that?" She took a deep breath and turned to look at the spectacle.

Maybe another one of Miss Swan's lovers was flying through the skies.

If only she was so lucky.

"Wait a second, I'll go bring my book and see if there's any explanation for that." Her boy rushed his words and ran back inside the diner to accomplish his mission though it wasn't necessary.

She knew _exactly _what that was. And that made her straighten her jaw in anger.

Her day was getting better and better it seemed.

"That is Zelena's time portal." Regina failed to see how her simple observation could be misunderstood to make her companions gape at her in confusion.

She had to remind herself that she was dealing with brainless Swan and her lovesick puppet. That was her only explanation.

"But how? I mean, is that even possible?" The Savior's simple mind never ceased to exasperate her and Regina just leveled her with a glare, because she's never been one to have time for stupidity.

"Well, Miss Swan, it is already happening as I trust you can see." She snapped and rolled her eyes.

Of course even after death her beloved sister would not pass a chance to haunt and destroy her.

Just like their mother.

She couldn't help but think that they must have taken control over hell and banished the devil because it wasn't possible to be this maddening from grave.

Why couldn't they just rest in peace as everyone else?

"Crap! What are we going to do?" She would have laughed at the blonde's pitiable expression if she wasn't being consumed by dread.

"We can sit on the table and order a drink while we watch the town be sucked by a time traveling portal that nobody knows how to close." She snapped without her usual angry bite, only because she was tired.

And it sounded like a fairly good plan after all.

Though the savior actually had a grimace and looked offended by very the idea.

Anyway, there was no magic she could use to stop it for the simple fact that she was still having a hard time believing it was even possible.

"Hey! We got to do something, Regina! This can't be the end!" She turned her exhausted eyes to the voice and saw the blonde who, merely hours ago, was almost jogging her way back to New York to get away from all of that – kidnapping her beloved son in the run – stare at her with determined eyes and a straight stance. "We won't lose now, we –"

But her moving speech was interrupted by a running Henry who passed them in a rush carrying the doomed book.

"We gotta go now!" Said her son's panting voice already far away from them.

"What the-" The handless fool said and she was forced to remember that he was still with them.

"Where do you think you are going, kid?" The former sheriff shouted before giving Regina one of _their _looks. The brunette just nodded.

And, as always, no more words were exchanged after that.

She could entertain the fact that they had a sort of 'mutual understanding' – because enduring someone wasn't a description of a relationship – that made talking superfluous, opened portals to different realms, stopped a deadly unstoppable device from destroying the whole town and even conjured an eclipse. It also left a lingering feeling of electricity running through her system every time they touched.

But she didn't.

Between racing after her teenager boy and trying to come up with a plan to close an open and unheard of time traveling portal, she had no time to amuse herself with such mindless thoughts.

Not when she had to keep herself in check and – lord help her! – needed the other woman's help to save their son from being sucked into another probably doomed realm with dangerous witchcraft and deranged people holding a grudge against her – there were truly endless possibilities!

Maybe Emma was right in wanting Henry far away from that cursed town.

She looked at the woman running like mad beside her for a moment. And she probably sensed the stare and locked her gaze with the brunette.

Regina knew she was looking desperate and probably worse for wear – she was racing in high heels after all – but the look she received was pure understanding and utter determination. She somehow always linked that to the woman by her side for reasons she wouldn't dare to elucidate. Not when she was planning to ground Henry until his graduation and probably forbid him to ever _mention _magic, let alone go after it.

Perhaps they should move to England and find him a good boarding school.

But then he would come across his Harry Potter collection and scheme an operation to save the warlock from that nose-less villain and God knows what kind of hell they would have go through to save their son again.

Perhaps New York was a nice enough option. People didn't have time to concoct evil spells, curse towns or travel through time and realms when they worked eight or more hours a day. She could just ask the blonde anyway. When they weren't facing such a wrenched ordeal that is.

Yes, the three of them would have a serious talk after that.

* * *

Who knew her kid was so athletic? Well, certainly not Emma. Not after she almost had a heart attack by running like a sprinter after him.

Eventually, they got to him. He was catching his breath staring from his book to the barn as if it would magically fix that wreck.

Yeah, it wouldn't and didn't.

He was oh _so _fucking grounded she would only let him go out of her sight when he got married.

Even then, she would keep an eye on him. With her luck, the kid would probably marry Dorothy and take the motherfucking yellow brick road on his honeymoon.

"Lad, you-" She was surprised to hear a panting Hook addressing her son. Was he with them all this time? "you can't just do this!" Emma rolled her eyes to his parenting skills. No shit Sherlock.

"Henry Christian Mills, you are grounded until Snow White stop talking to her damned birds!" Holla fucker! That woman knew how to make a threat. She snickered to herself, of course she knew! After spending half her life terrorizing Snow, no one could spell revenge as much as Regina.

Well, maybe her sister.

Or her mother.

Anyway, yes! That was Regina sounding almost normal after their crazy jog _in heels._ How could she do that when the blonde wasn't feeling her legs she'll never know.

It had to be magic. It was the fucking answer to everything in regards of this town nowadays.

Even so, Emma promised to herself that she wouldn't eat another burger. Or doughnuts. Or pizza. Or hot do-

"Come on, mom! We need to close this portal! It must be pretty dangerous!" He said waving that freaking book like a wand.

"Yes, I know _all_ of that. But that only means you need to stay far away from it before we figure what to do." Emma nodded her head along, she couldn't do much more than that and, by the looks of it, neither could Hook.

"But mom! I think the book-" The kid's whine was cut through a blow of wind that blasted open the barn doors and of fucking course sucked him in the goddamn portal's direction like a black hole.

Motherfucking Zelena!

She came back to her senses after hearing a devastating yell of 'moms' coming from her son who was holding one of the doors as the portal got wild and menacing.

Crap!

"Hold on, kid!" She yelled from where she stood and prepared herself for another run before Regina beat her to it.

"Henry! No!" That heart wrenching moan of pain came from her side and that was when she saw that the fucking son of a bitch time screwing portal sucked their kid in, making his other mom run in the same way to certainly jump after their boy.

"Regina!" She yelled but it was too late. Her kid disappeared inside that stupid lightening crap that was getting weaker and smaller, probably meaning it was about to close anytime soon. And his other mother was just leaping after him.

Like fuck she would let it suck Regina and their kid and would stay behind.

There was no way in hell she would leave her favorite people – yes, she definitely had a brain damage to put Regina on that list but she liked to think that their dog and bickering days were over.

"Don't you dare, Swan!" She ignored the pirate and dived inside the portal before even thinking of the consequences. Between losing both brunettes forever and staying behind moping with _Hook_, she had no other option. Really.

Not that she had any plan or knew where they were going or how to bring them back, but if she heard something of Snow's countless tries to convince her about staying with them because that was her home and they were family and would stalk their way into always finding her, was the simple fact that she would never – ever! – leave _her _family to suffer far away from her.

And it wouldn't be a stupid sucking sucker portal that would change that!

She learned the hard way that nobody stays for far too long – hell! She never did! – and they would care about you to a fault. Then they would simply leave her and move on – just like Neal.

So in her twisted foster kid's mind, it didn't matter if people only protected her when it was convenient, only fought her battles – if ever! – when they could win or only loved her when they gained something in return.

Family means fighting to lose and never giving up; protecting when she had no idea how she could even save herself; loving when it was easier to let go and going through hell with and for them because it didn't matter if she was safe when her people weren't.

That all means that before she saw the back of Regina's head, she was head diving inside that shit.

She probably shouldn't because there was no way to know where she would land and falling from the sky head first would definitely crack her skull open. But oh!

The last thing she heard was Hook muttering something like 'I have to stop chasing after her' or anything similar and if she wasn't being sucked inside a fucking time traveling portal she would have rolled her eyes.

It must say something when he was always chasing her while she was miles running after Regina.

Because of Henry. Obviously.

She wouldn't dare to think of another possibility.

Whatever, she was the Savior and she would be damned if she didn't save her own family.

Yes, that was what the bitchy Mayor meant to her. Family. Even with her snappy and I-am-better-than-you behavior that enraged Emma to her last bone, her goddamn infuriating language and her disregard for personal space, never in a million years she would simply _not_ save her. But it didn't mean she liked the prospect of risking her life and sanity to assure the high and mighty brunette's health every fucking time!

Seriously she had done it all: the blonde rescued her from a fire and even protected her from an angry mob claiming revenge! Although nothing could beat that disturbing fail safe when she was _so _sure she was going to lose that hateful woman forever and somehow the very idea was so horrifying that Emma decided to be exploded to pieces with her. Because-

Henry loved his evil and exasperating mother and that was that. Never mind the annoying woman ever sparing a single thought to her! No! She even dared to date a worthless thief who couldn't even protect her heart (or himself). _That _was fucking unfair! After all she went through to save that manipulative brunette for-

The kid, all she gained was sarcastic angry retorts and glares that promised her every sort of painful torture she could dream of. And _that _stupid man had everything given to him because of a motherfucking tattoo! How in hell did he even get it? Was there some sort of studio back in the Enchanted Forest?

Whatever! And where was the jerk right now when his _girlfriend _just jumped after Henry to save his everlasting grounded ass? Eating and drinking without a care while she got herself into another mess to save that grumpy woman. Again!

Life was fucking unfair indeed!

(Though she refused to live hers without that bewitched brunette.)

* * *

"Oh God! Mom?!" The first thing he saw was his brunette mom lying on the floor and looking unconscious. Oh no! "Mom! Come on! Get up!" He couldn't help but remember Lion King and just that thought filled him with dread. No! It simply couldn't be! "Please, mom… Please." He whispered holding her head and willing her to open her eyes.

And she did, after a beat or two. He finally managed to breath.

"Henry?" She whispered and he nodded and cleaned his tears to give her a sad smile. "Oh baby! Are you okay? Did you get hurt?"He shook his head and before she could fully sit, he almost smashed her in a bear hug. "It's everything okay, my love. It's everything okay."

His mother held him back and rocked him on her lap. Just like she always did when he was a kid.

Yeah, he missed it like hell.

"You are _so _grounded, kid!" Emma's bark almost made him jump away from his mom in surprise and he turned around to look at her. She looked like crap. "Seriously? What this damn book says about being sucked into a freaking time traveling portal? Because from where I stand, it doesn't sound like the best plan to close this crap!" His Ma said after getting up whispering curses under her breath.

He and his mom just rolled their eyes.

That was until he got up and helped his mom to her feet and looked around them. Yeah, it didn't look like Storybrooke, but thank God it didn't look like Neverland either. He kinda had some issues with kids his age after that one.

"Well, where are we?" His Ma asked his mom and he looked around the village that was closer by, just behind some pretty big trees.

"We are in the Enchanted Forest." Regina said nodding to herself and trying to find some clue to fill the blanks. "I just don't know when or where." But apparently she didn't.

His Ma just sighed and the three of them got a look around the forest.

Everything was so different from New York and Storybrooke that he couldn't help but beam at the fact that his dream to go to the land and see the princes, the knights, the kingdoms and finally meet everyone of his favorite book story finally came true.

He felt giddy, happy and ready to go around and get to know every place. And ride horses holding a sword just like a brave knigh-

"Oh hell!" His thoughts were interrupted by a loud thud and Captain Hook's whining voice. His moms rolled their eyes – Regina sneered and Emma made a 'seriously' face. "I'm okay, I'm okay!" He almost informed Hook that neither one of his moms cared about him but he saw no need to make the guy sad. He was kinda weirdo but not all bad.

And his moms started another one of their creepy stare conversation that had Regina narrowing her eyes and Emma smirking.

Adults were _so strange. _

"Well, what do you think we should do, Regina?" His Ma asked with her smirk still in place and his other mom scoffed, looking outraged. What the hell was that? Were they reading each other's mind now?

"We should go to the village and find out where and when we are, love. Maybe have a drink or two." That was Hook and his brunette mom glared at the man so viciously with such disgust that perhaps she was thinking of a spell to curse him. "What? Do you have a better idea, Regina?" Yeah, Hook was a stupid idiot.

But, thankfully, before his mom could incinerate him alive, his Ma held her forearm almost carefully and there was that strange behavior again.

His Ma was looking almost sad from having to save Hook's life and his mom was rolling her eyes and grimacing kinda like a pout, only scarier. Then Emma got into Regina's personal space again – which was written somewhere as her Savior duties, he was sure – and gave her another crazy smirk, motioning with her head to him.

He looked at Hook, standing like a scarecrow by his side and looking jealous and crossing his arms with his chin held high.

As if he could compete with the Queen and the White Knight. Henry smirked to himself and turned to look back at them the exact moment his mom decided to spare the pirate's life – at least for the moment – and exhaled loud in annoyance. His birth mom got a bigger and creeper smile but never let go of his adoptive mom's forearm. In fact, if his eyes weren't deceiving him, she was holding Regina almost fondly.

Yeah, that was definitely bizarre.

"Well?!" Hook fumed by his side and Emma's smile fell from her face to turn into a glare at him while Regina cleared her throat and pretended to look at the nonexistent wrinkles on her coat, secretly freeing her arm from his blonde mom's hold.

And yeah, Ma didn't like it one bit and glared at her hand, as if the limb was responsible for touching mom without her consent. His mom turned and it would be kinda difficult to take her expression in but he knew her good enough to see the red cheeks, the wandering eyes and the bite on the lip.

That was when he decided to really see his two moms and finally got her interactions.

Regina looked like a flattered girl being asked out by her crush and Emma acted like the crushing hard kid who only embarrassed herself because she was a mad weirdo and total pussy to admit her feelings.

"I think we should go and see if we find out exactly where we landed and question about the kingdom to gather the time we are in." His mom said after clearing her throat for the second time and looked at him to ignore a pirate rolling his eyes and his awkward blonde mom glaring at her feet like a psycho.

"That's just what I suggested." Hook muttered and was ignored.

Until mom looked at Ma and the blonde magically knew she was being stared at and held her head high – pretty damn fast, way too fast – to stare back at her nodding and clearing her throat too like it was the new trend.

He almost cleared his throat too.

It made him remember Walsh, the flying ex, and his birth mom's relationship with him. He was kinda an okay guy (before turning into a monkey and flying away) and they had an easy relationship. Ma would cook – because thank God his mom gave her a cooking book worth memories – and Walsh would bring some white wine (according to the guy, it went with everything) and do the dishes and they would sit on the coach to watch romantic movies and they kissed and held hands. They would go on dates to have dinner and the movies to watch even more sappy stuff and be very gross together. And Ma would go back home wearing an easy smile.

Because that's what they were together: easy.

But his Ma wasn't easy in slightest. She was crude and graceless and drove that very old and beaten death trap – as mom always said. She hated dresses and girly stuff and she never liked romantic novels or movies – he still didn't know how she could watch that crap with Walsh back then. She broke things, she had some very ill table manners – that his mom never spoke bad stuff about, he wondered why – she hated white wine. And hated fiercely (she told him something about a nasty hangover that she never forgot). She was pretty hard on herself too and would choose to suffer rather than hurt someone she cared about. Like his mom.

And they were difficult. And different. And pretty much into each other.

It made sense. Even being utter stupid, Emma was always by mom's side against the world – sometimes even against him, back when he was a jerk to mom, and he regretted every hurtful thing he did. And the way his mom looked at her so openly, so trusty, so desperate for understanding was something she never did with anyone. Not even Robin – who was another good guy, but could never hold a candle to Ma.

They needed each other and understood each other. They had those stare contests and figured something out without a word. They made magic together –that was pretty cool. And they were both bad ass in their own way.

Mom was pretty sick in her 'I-rule-the-world-and-you-are-beneath-me-beware-for-I-may-curse-you-any-minute' and she had good taste and an amazing style and was simply a dream come true – if you overlooked the 'I cursed you and your whole family and screwed your life over' part. And Ma was a very beautiful disaster who broke more stuff than fixed, as rude as she could come and was unable to think before going into motion with that lesbian red leather jacket that mom pretended to hate but never did and the style of someone who never put thought into anything. Still she was good looking and had a very big heart.

And they were still staring at each other. Until mom broke the spell and crossed her arms, looking around to guard herself.

Ma scowled at a tree.

Hook sneered at them and cleared his throat. Seriously, what was going on with that? Ma took a deep breath and exhaled loudly looking very crossed. Mom ignored them.

Adults were so strange, but his moms were the worst.

"Shall we, ladies?" Hook said and Ma shrugged while his mom turned and started to walk ahead, going to the village.

His birth mom looked sad being left behind and jogged to her making the pirate roll his eyes, but the duo just watched and strolled after his moms.

"So that means you can't get us back to Storybrooke, right?" His Ma asked and he rolled his eyes because yeah, Emma was pretty dumb sometimes. He couldn't see his mom's expression from behind them but he was pretty assured she was glaring very nastily at Ma.

Again, stupid question.

"Yes, Miss Swan, I can, but I always wanted to be brought back to the past with such very sparkling company." His Ma was rolling her eyes, the fool.

"Jezz! Sorry to waste your time, Your Majesty." She said to fake her hurt but mom didn't acknowledge. They continued to march in silence for some time, but Ma was never good at keeping her mouth shut. "And it's Emma." That made mom stop in surprise and look at her.

"What?" His birth mom probably rolled her eyes again.

"My name is Emma not 'Miss Swan', Regina." She said and started to walk once again leaving his mom to sigh and resume her walk a minute later.

"Vey well, Emma." She conceded and they kept their pace some steps ahead of him and a jealous Hook.

Henry could not see their faces and even if he did, he was pretty sure they were simply looking serious and aloof. But he was pretty sure his Ma was almost cracking a smile after mom called her by the first name.

Poor woman, she really needed his help to get his mom. And lucky her, he was nothing if the very best at scheming operations. Though this one would probably be his greater and most difficult plan yet.

At least they had time.

Operation Making Mom Fall in Love With Ma or simply Ugly Duckling – because both of them always were the odd ones out, so it made sense and his Ma was already a Swan, so that could be his inside joke – was on!

(His only problem would be his mom's relationship with Robin, but he was sure that wouldn't be a trouble after he got his plan on phase two. And anyway, the adults always said something about 'out of sight out of mind', so it only made sense. Besides, she is only with him because she thinks he is her last chance at happiness and that was very sad and untrue. They could be happy with his Ma and the three of them could live in New York. Mom would love the city. Ma even learned with him how to extend the plants lives to more than a week, they surely could manage an apple tree to mom.)

He smiled to himself. That would be a blast! And he would eat his mom's food every night, which always restored his happiness.

That was the best endgame he could think of for his cool operation. And his moms would find true love and all that jazz. He would be reunited with his mom's lasagna and that was true love too.

Now he only needed to play his cards right. Nothing too hard. Or, at least, he hoped so.

* * *

"Stop." Before they actually got to the village or whatever the hell that was Regina told her and stopped to glance around looking for something. Emma jogged to her side again.

"What's the matter? Did you see someone? Is it magic? Are you hurt?" She couldn't stop her mouth to babbler her concern in a crazy rush and the only good part of making a fool of herself in front of the woman was the small smile Regina gave her that may or may not have turned her cheeks red.

"We can't go there wearing those clothes, Emma. They will suspect something." Well, that made sense so she nodded a couple times. What didn't make sense was the relief and pure joy that engulfed her after hearing her name coming from Regina's mouth. She decided not to dwell on that.

"Is something wrong, moms?" The kid asked jogging to her and Regina's smile got bigger and brighter. A very beautiful sight.

"Everything is fine, Henry, I just need to magic us some different attire so we don't gain too much attention." The brunette's smile was too good for words.

"Cool!" Their kid nodded, excited to have some clothes like his fairytale heroes. Regina beamed and Emma felt her heart going nuts inside her chest.

Whatever, she didn't have time for that.

"That would be impossible for me not to call attention with all this dashing charm, ladies." That could only be stupid Hook and the blonde rolled her eyes before looking at Regina who thankfully ignored his very existence.

That was until she remembered something.

"Er, Regina, can you not maybe, I don't know, dress me with a- well, with a dress?" She asked embarrassed and the brunette just looked at her in question for a moment or two that got her even more anxious. "I mean, I don't like dresses and in case we need to fight, it would be better to have comfortable clothes, that's all." Emma said even redder by the time she was finished and the other woman, bless her!, only nodded in understanding.

"Very well. Just close your eyes, you two." She said to them and Emma and Henry obeyed before she did her trick. "You can open now." And they did.

She looked at her clothes and was relieved to see herself wearing a black tunic like the one Charming had on Henry's book when he put her inside the wardrobe (just, well, black) and a simple gray trouser with a pair of black knee high boots that looked almost as the one she used. The blonde smiled to herself and looked at the kid, wearing something exactly like her, just with a white tunic (and that one was surely the same David used) and blue pants with grey boots.

He beamed at her, looking handsome enough to make her take a deep breath and imagine the amount of problems and heart breaking he would cause in some years. She wasn't prepared for that yet.

But when she turned to beam at her kid's mom was when she could hear her heart racing madly inside her ribcage. The fuck that woman was wearing was a sin.

Of course, even almost causing a heart attack, Regina looked regal, like a goddess, an angel or some crap along the lines. A deadly one, but one nonetheless.

Her short hair was arranged in a very majestic ponytail (who knew it was even possible?), she was wearing knee high boots as well, but of course, she was rocking them with heels. And her black riding leather pants deserved a trophy or a tribute. Probably both.

But when she eyed her torso was when she almost foolishly raised her hand to her chest for fear of her heart jumping out. She had a white corset with red laces and an evil cleavage that would surely explode her arrested heart inside her chest.

Emma was seriously gasping for air after that encounter with her boobs. They needed a fucking Nobel!

Her mind came up with a very silly urge to throw her face in that monument and kiss her breasts until she ran out of saliva. A very silly and very delicious fantasy. And truly crazy.

That was when she understood men's passion for a pair of tits. And she was oh so glad for being a woman in that moment. With how wet she got looking at that heavenly sight, there was no mistake she would be rock hard if she had different equipment.

But fucking God! She couldn't tear her eyes away from _her_. The bitch surely put her under a spell, that wasn't freaking possible. And the amount of times she roamed her eyes through Regina was probably lewd and very much unladylike but it would be easier to go blind than close her mouth or blink that seriously gorgeous image away.

Regina Mills: making women go gay since fucks know when.

"Whoa, looking good, Queen!" Well, she didn't need to go blind to tear her eyes away from Regina. Just hearing his fucking voice and blinking at his idiot face got her blood boiling for another reason. How dare him! "After this very fascinating fashion show, we should go on, ladies and lad." With that, the fucker strolled past them and gave Regina a wink that got her fist magically punching the back of his head. See? She was completely under a spell. "What the hell, Swan? Are you crazy?" He hissed at her but her only answer was to glare back at him and clench her teeth.

Stupid handless pirate!

"Come on, Hook! Let's go!" Henry saved his life dragging him by the sleeve of that ridiculous leather coat and for that she was glad.

Until she turned her eyes and Regina just happened to be standing majestically there with a crooked smirk on her red lips that was destroying her brain cells bit by bit. And the woman _had _to cross her arms under that pair of boobs that were unfortunately way too far from her mouth, making them all the more enticing.

What the fuck was wrong with her? Since when she wanted jump a woman so badly? And Regina fucking Mills at that!

If the blonde was honest to herself she would say that since the day she met the brunette wearing that grey dress.

But she wasn't. And she wouldn't deal with it now. Regina was dating that stupid thief and she was… Whatever.

What if she was attracted to her? Big fucking deal! Regina was smart, intelligent, moody, sassy, fucking hot and gracious, short tempered and maybe a little twisted, but who wasn't nowadays? Emma was only hu-

"Take a picture, dear, it will last longer." That fucking husky voice! It never failed to make her knees go weak!

Son of a bitch!

Regina sauntered past her swinging her hips like a freaking model and she had a mind to go through her pockets, but unfortunately she didn't bring her phone on this godforsaken trip. Not that she would take a picture of that evil, very evil woman.

But she totally would. And would take one especially of that ass. With zoom.

Not her fault the bitch was hot as every inch of hell.

(And instead of jogging to walk by her side, this time Emma made sure stay a step away after her. So what if she was leering at her ass like a teenage boy? Nobody could prove so that was that.)

Well, eventually they got to the village and Emma glared at every person who risked a stare at Regina's way. There was a teenage boy she actually had to grit her teeth to shoo him his way. He was lucky she didn't have her gun or that would have ended pretty differently.

"Well, here we are." She was too engrossed glaring her way into an old fucker's skull who was drooling like an asshole at the brunette to acknowledge Hook. "There! We could go to that tavern and see if we can sneak information out of someone. People get a lot friendlier when they are drunk." He kept talking and she only turned to look at him after she booed the old man away.

"You would know that." Regina snapped at him. He probably deserved.

The pirate only smirked and winked at her and she controlled her sudden urge to knock him dead. Her kid was there and he would be traumatized watching his mom slaughter someone. As well deserved as it would definitely be.

"Okay, let's go there." She let him go first and she caught a woman leering at Regina and weren't women supposed to be subtle and _straight_ in the Enchanted Forest?

Fuck that! She stared at the harlot with narrowed eyes and mentally cursed Hook for taking her magic away. The bitch would have another thing coming if Emma had her magic back.

"Emma, let's go." That husky whisper in her ear almost scared her soul out of her body and she glared at her tormentor who had a very sexy smirk and was looking amused from Emma to the whore who had a death wish. "She is not exactly bad." What the-

"What the hell, Regina? Henry's just here!" She looked around to prove her point but her kid, the traitor!, was sauntering away with Hook and the shameless pirate was a bad role model for her son. If she let that happen, Henry would be an alcoholic in no time and having STD's before finishing high school.

Her answer was a smirk that made her go hot all over and the woman turned to waltz her way inside that hellhole that would probably be blown as soon as Regina stepped inside and all those drunk losers decided to take a look at her.

Fucking hell! She didn't have a weapon!

"Emma, are you coming?" Oh how she wished she was!

Anyway, the brunette turned to look at her and crossed her arms – evil woman!

So there she was jogging to her side – only to glare more efficiently at people from beside her – in no time.

She was so engrossed in her new mission to scare people away with nasty glares that she lost the brunette's amused smile at her.

Until a little girl, not older than nine years old, came to them beaming at the former Evil Queen and she rolled her eyes. Those kids were way too fucking libidinous here.

"Hello! You are so very beautiful, ma'am!" The little blonde said smiling and Regina, obviously, beamed at her because she had to love all the attention. And she always had a soft spot for kids.

Just not the ones who held Henry captive, of course.

"Yeah, she is. Get over it." She almost said 'like I'm trying to' but refrained herself. No need to embarrass herself even more.

Though Regina's glare at the back of her head didn't falter and Emma rolled her eyes.

Whatever, she had better shit to do – like finding a way to go back to Storybrooke – than deal with that crap anyway.

* * *

"Why thank you, miss! You are also very pretty yourself." Regina grinned at the little girl while she glared at the Savior from the corner of her eye.

Why the woman had to be so rude to that lovely child? That was simply ridiculous!

Well, she decided to forget about the blonde statue glaring around with crossed arms by her side, it would do her no good. Instead, she focused on the little child beaming at her.

The girl was truly mesmerizing. She had ocean blue eyes and was a little smaller than Henry with her blonde hair adorned on a braid that fell on her shoulder. The girl wore a beautiful navy blue dress that said she wasn't a simple peasant, but what caught Regina's eyes were the blue gloves on her hands. It wasn't cold enough to wear them, but maybe her parents had some sort of OCD and didn't want their daughter touching anyone or anything.

Yes, her mother wasn't the only crazy monarch after all.

"Thank you! I'm Elsa, what's your name?" The little blonde said and Regina rolled the name on her mind, she was almost sure she had heard it before.

But she could think about that later because the girl asked her name and she definitely couldn't tell her the truth without knowing when in time they were – after all, she made quite a name for herself in her reign as the Evil Queen.

"Her name is Dianna." It was Emma who replied the blonde girl and she turned her question filled eyes to her. She wouldn't thank that rude Savior for the answer, but she was surely curious about her name choice. Why Dianna? "And my name is Emma." The Savior said after a beat and sounded friendlier.

The woman must be bipolar.

Looking very happy with herself for making new acquaintances, little Elsa beamed at them and decided to inquire further in her new friends' lives. "You are new here, right? Because I've never seen any of you, but my father doesn't let me get out of the castle much so you may not be that new." The kid blabbered and Regina smiled at her, the girl was something else.

Her smile fell as soon as she paid closer attention the girl's sentence on her head. First because the little blonde was probably a royal if she really lived in a castle; and second as it reminded her of her own childhood, when she was chained to a cold palace by Cora's iron fist. Quite literally.

Saying it didn't sit well with her was the understatement of the year.

But, surprisingly, who questioned the girl further was Emma.

"And why is that? Why he doesn't let you go out to play with other kids?" She asked like a social worker after she lowered herself to the tiny girl's level.

Little Elsa looked somewhat afraid and bit her bottom lip before answering.

Regina looked at the woman by her side and didn't have to word her concern because she saw the same questions in Emma's eyes. Who was the girl's father, why did he keep her locked and how did she get away?

"I'm not supposed to talk about it." Elsa said looking embarrassed and Regina felt the fury coming in waves from her companion.

"Hey, kid! No need to be afraid, okay? Whatever is happening, we will help you." The obtuse savior said holding the child's gaze and smiling her crooked smile that set the brunette's heart into a frenzy. Traitor heart. "You know, we have a kid a little older than you. He looks like a prince and he would be happy to be your new friend. I concede that he talks a lot and sometimes-" The blonde's gossip nonsense was cut short by the giggling little girl. Thank god for that.

"You two have a son together?" Or not.

Elsa looked as excited as Henry did on Christmas Eve and Regina had to take a deep breath to not berate the other woman for putting them in that position.

Even a girl with no more than eight years could leave the Savior tongue-tied.

"Yeah, we do." Emma answered almost afraid. The idiot.

"But you two are women." Not exactly. Regina was a woman and the former Sheriff was a childish fool. "How is that possible?" Well, Regina _dying _to see Miss Swan explaining that one.

"Well, we have magic together." The foolish Savior kept smiling and brunette didn't gasp but she knew her face was probably crimson. What in heavens was the blonde's angle? "So he is kind of our little miracle. It's like-" Of course Emma wouldn't stop to mortify her there! Lord forbid! And the former Evil Queen was _so_ dreading the end of that sentence that her blood was running cold inside her veins.

"Like me and my friend! That's awesome!" Fortunately, the little blonde saved the useless Savior and she breathed in relief.

"Yeah, that's very cool, isn't it, kid?" The idiot said with a fake smile that made Regina grit her teeth. So much for being smooth. "And what is your friend's name? Are you going to visit them?" She asked looking straight at Regina with questioning eyes (as if the brunette was supposed to know every single person who ever came in contact with magic!) but smiled at the child probably just to keep the conversation flowing.

But well, Elsa's answer couldn't freak them both out more even if she had rehearsed it.

"Her name's Zelena and she's six." Regina paled and shivered after hearing that her wicked sister indeed managed to have the last laugh from grave. Or not, seeing that she was alive. Emma's hand sneaked its way into her own and she closed her eyes to digest all the information that child was frightening her with. "I'm actually going to see her now, so I don't have much time before one of my tutors come to collect me, but I suppose you could come up with me. She doesn't live in the castle because she and her mother are not rich. But I'm sure she'll want to be friends with you too after she knows you can make magic together so we won't be the only ones with it because it's kinda of a secret and people don't like it here. Father says that's because they are afraid of-"

She didn't faint because Emma held her hand and there was the stupid electricity running through her body again. That shiver was definitely fear to meet her mother and her crazy sister in a family reunion that would raise hells like nothing ever could.

Again.

"Yeah, kid! Why don't you show us the way and we will follow after you?" The Savior said with an ease Regina never knew she possessed and the little blonde nodded happily sauntering away. "Well fuck!" That colorful vocabulary couldn't belong to anyone but the woman by her side and lucky her Regina was too worried to reprehend such lewd language.

She took a deep breath and straightened her posture while thoughts crashed into themselves like cars without breaks.

First things first: Zelena was alive and not in Oz but that still didn't mean mother kept her. If she didn't, then she was probably on her way to guilt trip her father into marrying her to start her terror as a royal.

However what scared her most was the possibility of Cora keeping her first wicked spawn. What would it mean to Regina's existence if she did? Besides, the girl said Zelena was six and if that repulsive woman was an only child, wasn't Regina supposed to be born by now? What about her father?

And the most terrifying thought yet: what if she was never born? What would happen with Storybrooke and the curse and Henry?

But little Elsa said that Zelena wasn't rich and it was truly uncanny to think that her mother, her extremely revengeful and very heartless mother could assume a life being less than a maniac powerful and feared queen.

Could she still have her heart or did she already lose herself to dark magic? Maybe she was teaching her deranged heir to parade around the Enchanted Forest wreaking havoc of varying degrees, in her best way of showing motherly love.

Before she could drive further down that painful lane, the blonde by her side squeezed her hand in support.

And even with a messy mind she could feel Emma's hawk eyes on her face biting her lip and waiting for something.

(And Regina _just _knew she wouldn't wait long.)

When she finally grew tired of waiting – because that cursed family could never keep their mouths shut for a long time and the brunette knew best – she asked almost tentatively. "Are you-" She never heard the end of that question because it wasn't needed.

"No." She really wasn't okay, not in the slightest.

(And the honesty in her answer took both of them by surprise.)

However, all her thoughts, her trembling hands, her arrested heart and mumbled mind came to a rest as soon as the blonde held her in a firm and hard hug because the woman knew she would fight her arms and her compassion.

And she did, though the idiot never let go of her and whispered nothing on her ear for a very long while. Long enough for her fight to leave her and her trembling chin to find a spot on the woman's shoulder.

"It's okay, you are okay. _We_ are okay. And I got you." Regina scowled at the last statement, but it sounded a lot more like a sob.

Jesus! What did she become?

The brunette almost laughed imagining her mothe- no, _Zelena's _mother and her disapproving eyes, scorn in place hissing _'love is weakness'_. Not that she loved the crass Savior because that was laughable at best, but using the woman's shoulder to anchor her feelings was a weakness Cora would have never approved.

Neither would she approve her silly limbs encircling themselves around the blonde's waist with her asinine heart finding peace in such ordinary position or need for human contact.

(For a stupid human in special, her heart told her and her mind ignored it.)

How come after all the hell this obnoxious hooligan raised by destroying everything she held dear she was the only one able to ground her back like that? Besides Henry, of course. And not mentioning the blonde's brainless parents who were always easy to forgive and forget a vengeance that took over her life.

Idiots! All of them!

Fate had a sick sense of humor or simply hated her that much.

"I'm not leaving you, we'll be fine." She wasn't sure how many times she heard the fool whispered that to her and had no idea who she was trying to convince with such irrational lie.

But Regina trusted her. God help her, but she always did.


	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer: **Nope, I still don't own a thing but the mistakes.

* * *

As soon as he figured his moms weren't following him and Hook, Henry stopped and turned his eyes on them.

For fear that his mom must have killed his Ma after all that nasty staring she grossed them out with. He _really _didn't need to see that. And the pirate was muttering curses beside him with fuming jealousy.

But luckily they were both alive and talking to a tiny blonde girl a little behind them.

Trust Emma to be the only one who objectified his mom and survived.

(After all that ogling, his Ma couldn't pretend not to love his mom anymore. Yeah, even _without _the leering he was almost sure Emma had deep feeling for Regina, it only served to enflame his mom's ego. And creep the hell out of him.)

Anyway, he decided to watch them and plan his next move.

He already knew Emma wanted to kiss his mom (ew!), now he only needed to know if his mom would like to be kissed by Emma (double ew!).

Yeah, he could see Regina smiling when his Ma was muttering expletives and staring daggers at anyone who dared to look at his mom. She looked highly amused by Emma's lack of manners and filter. But the important question was: was she only flattered by his Ma's attention and jealousy, or was she really thrilled because it was coming from his Ma and not someone else?

His gut said it was the second option, but if he asked the brunette she would definitely deny it and curse the blonde some to cover her nerves.

In fact, he was sure his mom would curse his Ma regardless. And Emma would roll her eyes and cuss under her breath something like 'damn infuriating woman!' like she always did when Regina crossed her – which happened more frequently than not. Then his brunette mom would ignore her and smile to herself because those were his moms. Ever the crazier ones.

Why couldn't Emma invite her on a date or stop trying to get a rise out of the brunette like a normal person was something his teenager brain could never comprehend. As much as why Regina couldn't stop making empty threats in regards of his grandma's life just to set the blonde in an enraged mood escaped his mind.

It looked like they had a thing from bringing out the worst of each other just for fun.

It was like watching an endless tennis match with no winner.

He came back to his senses when Hook muttered again something about going to find him some rum and Henry rolled his eyes. Whatever, he had his operation to worry about, besides what the pirate did to his own liver was up to him.

And focus renewed on his plot, he turned to look back at them and couldn't help but smile seeing them hugging each other. He would have high fived himself it that was possible. Until he saw his mom's sad and frightened face and cursed his Ma under his breath.

What the hell did Emma do now?

After a second, he found himself jogging to them with a very long lecture on his lips to his Ma about his mom's feelings that was interrupted by the same little blonde they were talking with mere seconds ago.

"Emma, Dianna! Come this way!" The girl shouted happily walking in the same direction Hook went to get drunk. Only that it wasn't his main concern now. He furrowed his browns thinking who was that blonde kid and who in hell was Dianna?

"Henry!" His mom called him and almost knocked off his Ma in her hurry to untangle herself from the blonde's embrace. Yeah, Emma got pissed as always.

"Hey, moms!" He said smiling his best smile – that made his mom blink and look at his Ma who was back at glaring at whoever looked their way. His smile got bigger and he was a step from giggling. But he controlled himself. Until he remembered he had more urgent matters than dwelling on his moms crazy behavior (and undeniable feelings for each other). "So, will you tell me what's happening and who is the Dianna that girl was calling? And who's she too?" He rushed out of his breath and both his moms took deep breaths.

That made Emma stop glaring at a guy riding a horse – she glared fiercely enough to make the man stumble and almost fall on his back – and she looked back at his mom.

And that creepy stare conversation started again.

After his mom's nod, his Ma decided to include him in the new events. "Well, Dianna is your other mother." She said and he gaped at her like a fish. What the hell? "I mean, not your _other _mother because that's Regina and I don't even know a Dianna apart from that British princess who destroyed an amazing Mercedes and paid for that with her life." His mom was rolling her eyes and he was just staring wordlessly imagining what fuck Emma was trying to say. She rolled her eyes like his mom. "We don't know when in time we are now, kid, so we can go around introducing Regina as- well, Regina because we can screw something big with the timeline or whatever." She stopped and took a deep breath to center her thoughts while he was still looking lost. "So Regina's Dianna. Or Dianna's Regina, I'm not sure how to put it." Mom stared hatefully at Ma and the blonde just shrugged.

Oh well, that made sense. His mom was a second away to reprehend his Ma's way to explain that but he was faster.

"But why Dianna?" He asked Regina but the brunette was only glaring at Emma with a raised eyebrow. The shade of red engulfing his birth mom's face was very amusing. His mom agreed, of course, because she almost smiled at him.

Yeah, poor Ma.

"Er, what difference does it make anyway?" She asked exasperated but he only arched his eyebrow like mom while she crossed her arms making Emma go all gross again and stare at _his mom's chest_ like a fucking perv. He had half a mind to kick her shins but Regina cleared her throat (yeah, that was their secret signal or something) making Emma go redder than the devil after a sunburn. His mom smiled secretly enjoying it and he rolled his eyes. These two were seriously twisted. "I was thinking about the Wonder Woman, okay? Because I know the kid will come up with some hero's name or stuff like that and the fact that Dianna was also a real princess helped so whatever." Emma told his mom like he wasn't the one asking and he sighed.

She finished her babbler looking outraged and betrayed all the same and he had to give a smile at his mom who smiled just back at him while his Ma muttered something like 'damn Mills family!'. Now he understood his mom, his Ma was very amusing indeed.

"Okay, I get it now!" Henry said happily earning an eye roll from Emma and a pleased chuckle from Regina.

"Yeah, so if you two are finished being evil and ganging up on me, I believe we have a little girl to follow." His Ma said angrily and started to march in the little girl's general direction like a child throwing a tantrum that made both brunettes roll their eyes. And Henry still wanted to know who the hell the blonde kid was.

He looked at his mom ready to ask but she didn't look happy anymore or willing to share information with him so he let go. There was always his Ma to sneak information out and he'd deal with it later.

They followed in silence until Emma stopped and waited for them with a heated stare that could melt steal. What was wrong now? He looked at Regina for an explanation but her tired sigh was enough to tell him that she was lost in her thoughts.

And Emma was still baring her teeth like a dog at everyone they passed.

"Where now?" His brunette mom asked but his Ma was locked in a vicious glare with a drunk man who was a leering at mom. Ugh! Very gross! His mom just narrowed her eyes with her Evil Queen's deadly snarl and the idiot gulped in fear.

From the corner of his eyes, Henry saw his birth mom looking smug and smiling victorious but he didn't have the heart to tell her that it was his mom's diminutive glare that almost killed the guy right on spot, not her jealous stare.

His mom didn't point it out either.

"I saw the blonde girl going inside that tavern when I came to see you." He told them pointing at the place Hook decided to kill himself with rum and his Ma nodded at his mom who just sighed again.

Maybe it was her magic that was getting her tired.

Anyway, they resumed their walk and in less than three minutes they were standing at the door with Emma and Regina lost in another one of their bizarre wordless conversations again where his Ma looked worried and his mom took deep breath to steal herself. When she was satisfied, Regina nodded at his blonde mother and it was her time to grimace and straight her pose to look as mean she could.

Nothing that would come close to his mom's homicidal stares but yeah, she was getting there. Eventually.

They walked in after Emma politely held the door open and sooner than later they were being stared at like animals at the zoo. Mainly his mom – to his revulsion and Emma's unmatched fury.

Yeah, those stares she gave were as scary as his mom's famous glares.

"Emma, Dianna, you came!" The little girl said excited and that calmed his Ma's wrath, if only a bit. His mom actually smiled looking somewhat pleased to see the girl and he arched his eyebrow. Okay, what was that? "Oh and who is this?" The kid asked them pointing at him like he was the wrong one there! The hell?

"Oh, this is our son, kid. His name's Hen-" Emma started to talk but her sentence was cut short by a pained yelp caused by a heeled foot trampling on her. "What the-" That time his mom's pointy elbow found his Ma's ribs while she managed to smile innocently at the little girl and glare at Emma from the corner of her eye.

"His name is Peter." She said smiling at him and he probably had the same stupid face Emma was wearing because that made no sense." Peter, my prince, this is Elsa." His mom prompted him to look at the girl and he looked between the two of them before sighing and obeying his mom.

"I'm Peter Parker, it's a pleasure to meet you, milady." He needed a last name, right? So what if he chose to have the same as the Spiderman? It only made the lie a little funnier.

Well, with his new identity he bowed at the blonde as much as he remembered how.

His mom beamed at him delighted with his manners. And his Ma rolled her eyes with a smirk on her face probably because of his favorite hero's last name. Whatever. The girl bowed back innocently looking so happy that he couldn't help but grin to her.

"Nice to meet you, Peter Parker, I'm Elsa Frost, Princess of Arandelle." He gave her his best smile and bowed again. He didn't need to look to see the pride on his mom's features or the roll of his Ma's eyes. Thank god they didn't have comics here or he would be pretty screwed. "So where are you from, Peter? Are you a real prince? What are you doing here?" She asked in a beaming rush and he took a look at his moms.

They were being weirdos again with that wordless crappy talk while Emma bit her lip and Regina stared at her mouth way too long before slightly shaking her head and he sighed.

Whatever, if they didn't want to share stuff with him they would have to roll with whatever lie he chose to tell.

"Well, my mom, Dianna is a princess so I guess that makes me a prince, right?" He started and as soon as the words flew from his mouth, the three women were staring at him – each one with a different expression: Elsa was hanging on every word he said; Regina was looking afraid almost begging him to shut his mouth and Emma was glaring angrily at him. They could take that one for leaving him in the dark. So after the little blonde's nod, he kept going. "My other mom, Emma, she is a knight so she taught me how to use a sword and all that." Which was a complete lie and his mom's scoff at that wasn't lost on him. If he were to rely on his Ma's teaching ability to hold a sword he would be as handless as Hook by the end of the day. "And we are here to get to know Arandelle. It looks quite dashing."

With that, he gave the three women his best charming smile.

* * *

Her fucking traitor kid was spiting so many lies that she had to grit her teeth in a failed attempt to resist the urge to slap the back of his head.

How in hell would they support that lie of being noble when they knew close to nothing about this time line?

Regina too looked close to having a seizure and Emma had to take deep breath to calm herself.

Henry will be grounded until the day David stopped saying that they would always find each other, not a second before!

"That's so cool! Which kingdom are you from?" Of course the girl would hang on his every word. Jesus help the girls when their kid turned sixteen! There was no stopping that hellraiser boy!

And of fucking course he kept lying!

"We are from the United Kingdom. A little far away from here I'm afraid." She couldn't help but laugh maniacally at the lie and that, unfortunately, called some attention.

Like the kid who threw a nasty stare at her and his mom who looked disgusted at her behavior.

She couldn't help but picture Regina taking England by storm to assume her true nature as a Queen and ruling the United Kingdom like a motherfucker with a pretty pompous Prince Henry by her side and a very odd Emma in the background.

Although that crossed England out of their vacation trips. For Queen Elizabeth's safety, better not to entice Regina with that one.

"But why did you come all the way to Arandelle?" Well, she should ask her wicked friend that one, Emma thought darkly. Anyway, that question their sneaky kid couldn't answer and she almost smiled to herself seeing his desperate face. But she didn't because being caught up lying now wasn't on her plan. "Oh! Lemme guess! You're here for my Uncle Henry's ball?"

Now she understood why Regina almost pierced her foot to keep her from saying their little devil's real name, they were about to meet her father and their kid was named after him, so it only made sense.

The kid's answer was a quiet and confused 'yes' that got the blonde girl looking at the three of them in deep thought. She turned her eyes to Regina for some backup force but the brunette was pale and trembling like a leaf.

Well fuck, she was about to see her long dead dad again, it had to be shocking somehow. So without thinking, she put her arms around her waist and gently pushed her body in an awkward embrace.

Surprisingly, the infuriating brunette accepted the hug and laid her chin back on the same spot where her shoulder met her neck. She would have smiled at having the woman in her arms again without having to fight to hug her but she wasn't _that_ emotionally impaired.

Emma nodded at their kid in a message that it was everything okay or whatever. Just so he could keep lying to the girl while his mom calmed herself.

She tried at least.

"Looking cozy there, ladies!" Fucking Hook's booming voice almost made Regina jump far away from her and she snarled at the stupid man. Who the fuck he thought he was? "Sorry to interrupt, lassies, I just came to see if you want a drink or something." Son of a bitch!

Trust him to appear holding a bottle on his only hand and a smirk that she couldn't help but want to slap off his face. Regina looked repulsed as if his very existence was a personal attack to her happiness.

Emma shared the sentiment.

The useless pirate looked between the four of them with his arched eyebrow, probably thinking he was charming. She scowled at him. Regina crossed her fucking arms and stared at Henry.

Emma caught her eyes in time before they fell on Regina's very evil cleavage. She _so _didn't need to ogle the woman now.

"So you are here to marry Uncle Henry, Princess Dianna?" Elsa, oblivious to the hell she was raising, asked and Regina surely looked like she was about to faint or throw up. Jesus Christ! That was all kinds of fucked up!

But then the kid decided to come to his mom's rescue.

Or so she thought.

"No! She is already married to my other mom! We are not here for _that._" He spat with so much disgust that she almost patted him on the back for the save. But that was before looking at the brunette who went from pale to burning red and snatched the bottle from Hook's single hand and gulped from it like an alcoholic giving in her addiction.

The pirate made a face, Henry completely ignored his mom's behavior and Emma sighed deeply feeling a headache already forming behind her eyes.

It was about to get worse, her gut told her that.

"Elsa! You are late! I was trying to find you everywhere!" A strawberry blonde girl came rushing towards them and that only urged the feeling of dread she couldn't seem to shake off. "Who are you talking to? It's mom's break now so we can play!" The talkative girl stared at them and back at her friend with a question on her eyes. "So are they _yous_ new friends? Don't you wanna be my friend anymore?" The girl pouted to her friend.

Emma had to give it to the little girl; she was kinda cute with her wrong pronunciation and all that. But if her gut was right about her (and it probably was) she couldn't help but put a hand on their kid and his mom's shoulders for moral support.

Henry looked ecstatic at her and Regina resumed her mission to finish Hook's rum like it was the last day to live. And the pirate, thankfully, was alarmed but kept his mouth shut.

"Zelena, don't be silly! I'll never leave you for anyone! You are my best friend in the whole world, you fool!" She would have smiled at the confession if her stomach wasn't tightening in knots.

Oh yes, that cute ginger was their reason to be stuck in the fucking past without a single way to go back just because she had abandonment issues. The little whore!

"Bloody hell!" Hook muttered looking pale; Regina inhaled more alcohol than her old and beaten Bug; Henry clapped his hands to his face with wide fearful eyes looking like a perfect recreation of 'The Scream' by Munch. Emma massaged her temples waiting for the kid to introduce himself to his auntie Zelena. At least he was too shocked to run his mouth now. "I'll take another one of this for us." The pirate said motioning to the bottle and glancing at Regina with an exhausted expression before turning on his heels to drink his way to his grave.

"Bring two." Regina said simply after she took the last swing of that crap and closed her eyes to fight a headache or to will her magic to transport them back home.

If only.

"So these are my new friends Peter, his mom Emma and his other mom Dianna. That's Zelena, the friend I told you guys about." The blonde girl said as happy as ever and Emma took upon herself to make up for both brunettes strange behavior – the kid was looking sick and still horrified and Regina was set as straight as an arrow with narrowed eyes. "They are married and they have magic!" She whispered to the wicked little devil and Emma had to roll her eyes to the unbelieving look they received from Zelena.

Such a bitch!

Why was it so impossible to be married to Regina? She had her qualities; she was _the _Savior, not a foul thief living in the woods with a bunch of creepers who called themselves Merry Men! There was no way in hell stupid Robin was better than her!

He wasn't even there trying to comfort the brunette! He didn't go after her when she didn't come back to the diner! He didn't save her time and time again! He didn't have a son with her either!

So yeah, Emma considered herself a better match to the short tempered Mayor even if it was fake!

Whatever, she turned her glare the hellish ginger girl. The little shit!

"Well, as your friend said, I'm Emma and this is _my wife _Diannaand _our _son Peter." She felt pretty idiot for arguing with a child, as possessed and wicked as said child could be, but she still stretched her sentence like a maniac.

That probably explained their son's cunning stare and his mom's arched brow. By the looks of it, they forgot about the little fucker as soon as Emma said that, those traitors!

Fuck that! No kid would make her feel bad about herself or judge her and not an immoral one at that! So she crossed her arms and threw a nasty glare to the little hellion. Oh how she would love to have her badge to show her authority to tiny Zelena.

Suck that!

"Zelena and Elsa! What have I told you about talking to strangers?" Her victorious mood died as soon as a woman with auburn hair almost materialized herself behind the girls making both of them look scared and Regina go even paler. "And why are you here and not outside playing?" Unaware to the wreck she was causing by merely existing, the woman kept her stance so straight they could have served dinner on her back. She chastised them with a parental voice and the girls looked reprimanded and truly guilty.

Then she looked to the three of them and Emma just realized who in hell was that angry bitch. Yeah, she was pretty younger – around Regina's age in fact, not that she knew how old the brunette was or whatever – but her auburn hair was a giveaway and that cutting stare was still mastered to perfection.

That was Cora Mills, resident heart robber, manipulative mother extraordinaire and everlasting pain in her ass staring angrily at her.

Well fuck.

"Oh God!" Regina whined by her side and that was when she wrapped her mind around the fact that: a) she was seeing her impious, bitchy and controlling mother back from the dead in front of her very eyes looking as dangerous as ever and b) she was probably used to be on the receiving end of that tone of voice and crossed glare.

And that was before Cora decided to look at her daughter with hard eyes.

She held Regina's hand tightly and sneered at her motherfucking mommy dearest with fury. That whore traumatized the brunette enough for a lifetime; Emma wouldn't let her do it again because her older fucking spawn decided to play God.

Of fucking course the woman eyed their hands together and arched her eyebrow with a displeased frown on her face.

No matter the time line, the bitch would never like her.

"Here, Queen, one for you and one for- Jesus fucking Christ!" That was Hook coming back, two bottles in one hand exclaiming in shock after he tried to give a bottle of that nasty rum to a motionless Regina only to follow her eyes and come to face a very alive, young and kinda murderous looking Cora.

Nothing new with the last part.

Both of them said nothing after that, the pirate only opened both bottles with his hook and trembling hand still looking at his long gone killer buddy and gave the former Evil Queen one bottle before they gulped the alcohol almost at the same time.

"Watch you crude language, _mister_, there are children around." Cora, the minister of first-class manners and role model of good behavior, snapped at him looking outraged with such vocabulary. Hook chocked and eyed a shaky Regina with wild eyes. "And Jesus would never drink such distasteful beverage!" She continued with a grimace at them both and crossed arms.

Well, that was new. Cora knowing the Bible was as fucked up as Rumple hugging children – both hallucinations only scared the living lights out of her.

Next step, the Queen of Hearts will be killing in God's name like The Crusades and there will be no stopping that madness.

"I apologize, milady." The pirate bowed and the addressed woman almost sneered in anger.

The two girls hid behind the unleashed psychotic murderer on a one woman mission to spread God's message and eternal love around the earth no matter the costs and their kid did the same stepping behind her and Regina.

That ought to be the most terrifying family reunion known to man.

Hook straightened his jaw with narrowed eyes at his old evil buddy. Said buddy just glared fiercely back at him and Emma was almost expecting a fireball to be thrown, a right hook on his face or a chair to fly his way.

But it didn't happen and she was almost relieved.

"Who are you and what do you want with my girls?" The Queen of Hearts asked menacingly and Emma hoped for the other three brunettes to say something before she attacked the woman and screwed their time line forever.

She looked back at the former Mayor who was much invested in her drink and Killian who was staring fiercely at his best friend almost afraid to blink and never see the woman again. Yeah, that was weird.

"Hello, milady, I'm Peter Parker and those are my moms, Dianna and Emma and my Uncle Killian. It's very nice to meet you." Her kid saved their asses with that smooth lie accompanied by a respectful bow. God bless him!

Emma's smile was almost pained and the witch must have thought she had some sort of disability. Cora narrowed her eyes at her and she pretended not to see the lies turnings inside the woman's head.

"The pleasure is mine, but you haven't answered what you want with my kids." She demanded again. Emma took a deep breath again. Regina and Hook gulped at their bottles again. And her kid was the one to answer her. Again.

"I was talking to Elsa and we just met Zelena. We were actually talking about-"

"About how Emma and Dianna could teach us to how to deal with our magic, Cora. They can make magic too." Elsa ruined their lives after that sentence.

Regina looked fully scandalized and mortified at the mere prospect of teaching magic to her deranged mother and wicked sister; Hook chocked on his rum again and had a pitiable coughing fit and Henry was suddenly very mute and Emma just wanted to just crawl in a fucking coffin and die.

The woman wasn't amused and pushed the girls back behind her to act like a human shield – something about that made Regina whimper in pain at her side. "Of course they can." She said in a sinister way with dripping sarcasm, the bitch.

The pirate grimaced at the brunette and her mother so Emma let go of her hand to take two steps to stand between Regina and fucking Cora. Like hell she would let that bitch destroy Regina again after everything she did.

"Here's the thing, lady, I don't know you and I don't care whether you like us or not. But if you are planning to threaten my family, you have another thing coming!" She sneered at the woman who only stared at her with narrowed eyes.

You can change the time and the family function but Cora was born to screw her life over.

"Oh now I will?" That woman! Jesus Christ! "Because you, peasant, can take your threat and your magic and vanish with your dysfunctional family out of my sight!" Cora hissed and Emma didn't know what enraged her more: if it was being called a peasant by a bartender or when said bartender made such homophobic comment about _her _family; as fake as it might have been. What a bitch! The Savior scowled at her and the only thing that prevented her from punching the grimace out of her face was Regina's hand pulling her forearm. Yes, the former Evil Queen was shying away from violence, the world could end already. "And you can tell the man who sent you here that I may not have magic like him, but I'll die protecting my child!" The witch snapped back but she reminded herself that this crazy whore was still Regina's mother so the brunette didn't want the woman to have her ass kicked.

And wait a minute, what the hell did she say?

Regina took deep breaths and thankfully got out of her Hook funky to drink her life away. Emma took a step back in favor to stand by Regina's side and put the same arm the brunette was pulling a second ago around her waist for moral support. Not because her wandering hands were dying to touch and comfort the sad woman. Never because of that.

But her glare at Cora never wavered.

The former Mayor was so torn that she not only accepted her –well, helping hand, but she relied on it and put her head on the blonde's neck again.

(And Emma prayed for every fuck that could hear her to not let the woman feel her crazy pulse.)

This had to be the worst emotional rollercoaster of Regina's whole life after she broke her curse and all that. And Emma knew how crappy it was to see her parents loving and caring for another child when they didn't care enough about you.

"What in hell are you talking about, lady?" The time had come when she was saved by fucking Hook. Who would have guessed? "Why do you believe someone sent us here and who would have done that?" But it got better when he decided to play Prince fucking Charming.

Cora turned her glare at him. He gulped.

"I believe I made myself quite clear, _mister_." She said with disgust and Emma stared blankly from one to another. Cora looked furious and the pirate had a wondering expression. Well, stranger things have happened.

"We were not sent here by a _man_, lady. We came to because we were invited to Prince Henry's ball." The pirate got his act together and stepped in front of them to talk directly to his evil pal.

The other woman was not convinced.

But then again, neither would be Emma if she were in her position and some crass, drunk, crazy and handless guy claimed to be invited by a Prince to a ball.

"Yeah? And what, pray I ask, are you doing here instead of staying in the castle to be treated by the King and his Queen?" The bitch was hard to break.

Hook smirked at her. That one was a stubborn idiot all right.

"Because, lady, as I said, we are here to see Prince Henry and if I ever had to spend more than a few hours in the company of the King and the Queen they won't make it to the next day." So he knew Elsa's parents then? That was strange. The pirate smirked because he probably knew how to deal with the conniver mad lady. Well, back to the matter at hand, Cora looked a little off and stared at her long forgotten sidekick with something like respect. Of course the way to the bitch's heart would be mentioning somebody else's demise. "So I consider this a gift to stay out of their damned castle."

The tiny blonde looked afraid to both of them and her little devilish friend held her hand in support. Whatever Hook planned to do to the girl's parents was truly supported and deeply encouraged by Cora. These twisted fuckers!

They stared at each other for a real long time and after that love spar Emma contemplated the nature of their relationship. Maybe they were a little more than killing mates back then because the way they were looking at each other was kinda weird. Cora was looking almost content.

Or maybe Elsa's parents deserve to die after all. Who knew?

But her analyzing capacity went straight to hell when Regina whispered a very sexy 'of course' near her ear and made her whole body tremble.

(That time she did put her hand in front of her heart because Cora might not be the Queen of Hearts yet, but she wouldn't risk having the woman's hand inside her chest again to prove that theory. It wasn't very pleasing.)

"What?" She whispered in a husky and low tone because she was only human. And Regina was making her life too damn difficult already.

The two revengeful mates were talking again – with the woman probably barking orders like a Queen and her sidekick sharing his torture methods. What a couple!

It would have been a conversation to focus on but the woman on her arms had her brain short-circuiting with only a deep breath.

Yeah, she was screwed.

Said woman raised her head and looked inside her eyes with a force that almost knocked her dead on the spot and Emma gulped and blinked like a moron.

"She is afraid of a man trying to take _my sister _from her." The way Regina spat the sentence left little to no room for misunderstanding. Yup, Zelena could be a talkative little demon now, but her sister still hated her guts. "The question is who could be this man?" She continued in wonder, probably scheming an alliance with the creeper or planning revenge against him.

Whichever lane she decided to take, plotting was her finest trait after all.

"Can you think of someone?" Emma asked as soon as her counterpart favored a look around and let her poor heart slow its rhythm.

It didn't last long and as soon as those deep chocolate eyes turned to her face her heart ricocheted inside its ribcage.

Some things never changed.

"I believe she could be talking about my sister's father, he must be the one to give her magic, seeing that mother doesn't know how to touch it yet."All Emma could manage was a deep breath and a faint nod. But Regina was already back to her sexy teacher mood. "With the difference in the timeline he is probably trying to find them to send her to Oz to fulfill her destiny." She whispered way too close too her face and Emma's breathing got erratic and her brain didn't comprehend anything that was being said.

"Yeah…" She agreed with something. It could have been murder for all she knew.

Lucky her, Regina kept talking.

"But then again she could be afraid of Rumpel. Maybe she made a deal with him. Again." Emma didn't dare to ask about it, she was far from interested in the bitch's parenting skills and didn't need another reason to want to cut her throat very painfully and slowly. Regina invaded her personal space one more time and there was her heart doing somersaults. Emma swallowed hard. "Do you know what that means?" Regina moved to whisper in her ear.

Yeah, Emma was pretty sure that meant she was having a heart attack.

Anyway, the brunette was waiting for an answer so she muttered a strangled 'no' and shook her head in case her voice sounded as creepy to the woman as it did to her ears.

If the brunette took notice, she didn't say.

"It means that we have to find out who this person is and make a choice between protecting both of them from this mysterious man she is so scared of or help him get rid of my sister." She took a deep breath and Emma shivered from head to toes. "But there's no telling what may happen if we choose one or the other. Our timeline is already changed." That called her attention.

Well, not exactly _that_. But it would have to do.

"So what do you suggest?" She asked quietly and Regina took a moment to examine her face and her expression. 'Please don't let her see' was rolling like a mantra inside her head and after sometime her prayer was answered and Regina turned to look at her mother and her sister in deep concentration.

Fuck! People were right when they told her to be careful what she wished for.

"I suppose you all could stay here a little longer as I finish my schedule and we can talk somewhere more private." Emma heard Cora's voice on the background and the cruel woman stared seriously at her handless mate before chancing a wondering look to her younger daughter.

But now she was kinda older than the wicked bitch, so that was a little hard to understand.

The brunette nodded to her devilish mother and the Queen of Hearts did the same before turning to their kid and smiling at him contently. Henry, obviously, beamed back because that kid would befriend a demon if he knew it was somehow connected to his family.

He was doing it anyway with his sick grandmother.

His brunette mom blinked desperately – to get rid of tears, Emma thought – and bit her lip admiring that train wreck of an afternoon.

Hook was looking fondly at Cora, rum long forgotten – and that would have been laughable if it wasn't so twisted –, the impious woman was staring intently at him with amusement. Their kid was babbling his mouth like David Letterman, probably lying through his teeth while little Elsa had proud eyes to her wicked friend and an arm around the little demoniac ginger's shoulder and said little whore was chattering away with Henry like the world was about to end in silence.

Then Mommy of the Year excused herself back to serving those drunk fuckers asking the girls to be good and not curse anyone without her supervision or just to wait for her to witness anyone's humiliation or death. Hook decided to go talk to the group with his mental age and the four of them went to a table.

The kid gave them a look before following those creepers that only needed Regina's curt nod to make him grin and chase after his new and evil BFFs.

Seriously, they had to keep tabs on the kid or lord help them when his sinister friends snatched him away on their dark plots! The only one who, as far as they knew, wasn't an arrogant murderer was Elsa but that was still up for debate.

Before she could shout Henry to beware of those wicked villains, his mom looked back at her and there went that thought.

"We are going to protect them." Regina said with determination and Emma felt a warm happy feeling take hold of her. She never felt as proud of another person as she did then. The kid didn't count. "But we have to make sure to take her to meet my father or I don't know what may happen." Of course! Even if meant drugging Cora and tying the woman to a bed, the blonde had no qualms about the approach if she just had to ensure Regina was born. She only hoped that it wouldn't come to that.

She kinda didn't want to be part of rape and everything.

(Even if the lady was an impious bitch, violence against woman was still one of her buttons.

But if that meant having her younger and infuriating daughter to annoy the hell out of her… Well, her morals would have to be overlooked.)

As if she sensed Emma's goofy smile and proud eyes, the brunette turned at her to give her a smile so bright that it could cure cancer and her heart simply soared, as sappy as it sounded. And she beamed back like a creeper with a crush.

A vengeful, bitchy, uptight, sassy, moody and oh so very gorgeous crush at that.

Well crap! She got it bad!


	3. Chapter 3

**Disclaimer: **I own nothing. Sad but true.

Though a word or a review would make it somewhat better.

* * *

"This is fucking insane! You can't do this to us, asshole!"

She found herself scowling at a cursing blonde pacing by her side and had to resist the urge to choke her to death with that futile show of impatience.

Regina was fighting her less than healthy instincts to kill any of the morons she found herself with since coming back in time and she was nowhere near winning said battle.

"And shut the hell up!" A booming voice startled her from her murdering plans and she almost thanked the spiteful guard for shutting the crass woman's mouth. Small victories, they say.

The reprimanded savior glared at the silver bars and went back to shaking them like a manic and missed the memo or was too simple minded to figure that she wasn't any close to bending the cell than she was the last ungodly hours she spent trying this over and over again.

At last, they heard a final blow that surely meant the disgusting man closed the heavy door and left them alone to their own fate.

On one hand, the immature blonde stopped her mindless actions after that.

On the other, it gave her more time to annoy the lovely life out of Regina.

As if sensing the brunette's distress, she turned around and smiled at her as madly as The Joker.

"Well, that was fun." No, it wasn't.

The blonde had the audacity to give her one of her idiotic charming smiles. No, not _charming,_ just overall stupid.

The distasteful pirate sneered behind her, which explained just how uncalled for was Miss Swan's sarcasm. Their situation was so far from being amusing that even her love-sick handless puppy was forced to disagree.

Though Regina was too physically and emotionally drained to berate the foolish comedian properly.

"I'm not sure exactly what definition of fun you're using, Miss Swan, but it's one I've never become acquainted with and would rather not bump into again." She sighed.

Of course her decision to help Mother and that spiteful older spawn of hers would come to bite her back. How could she be so very naïve?

But to be spoken to with such disrespect by guards and be thrown out in a sordid jail?! That was the last nail in her coffin.

And no matter being innocent (for once) and having committed the dire crime of talking to a wandering little girl who had made less than wise choices in her friendship department if Regina was to have a say.

From all children the princess could have sought out to play, of course she would go out and befriend the twisted ginger.

Fate was never by her side and Regina should have known better.

(And tried as she might, it still baffled her how badly the King's guards treated her mother just for being poor. From Cora's everlasting list of offenses, that ought to be the lesser of her evil deeds.)

Though maybe she could understand the King's order. Better lock her mother now that she didn't have magic and save the world from that psycho woman while they could.

If only it didn't throw their mission to have Cora give birth to her on a loop, Regina was almost wishing to keep the woman behind bars. But with a glance around their unpleasant accommodations, she quickly dismissed that line of thought. Not even her mother deserved to be here and that said something about the hellish place.

She thought back to the minutes prior to losing her freedom and sighed. That's what you get for trying to help people.

(And for having someone as crude and violent as Miss Swan by her side.)

With a sigh and a roll of eyes, she determined that being evil was way easier and never got her in such unflattering predicament (besides that only time she sauntered over Snow's dungeons, that is). It explained pretty well how being good never worked out for her. Might as well give up trying.

"I swear to God I'll talk the kid's ears off for this shit." The blonde nightmare spat somewhere behind and Regina scowled quietly.

As incredibly distressed as she found herself in that shameless position, there was no denying Henry played a huge part after selling her as a magic teacher to her demented sister and as his disastrous birth mother's fake wife.

Whatever offended her more, you could just take a pick.

And of course after making such regrettable associations, it could never end well.

"_And that's how I'm here now." Little Elsa just shared with them how she managed to escape her tutor. Or, how Regina would have put it, her guard dog. The man's only responsibility, as the girl said, was to follow and keep tabs on her through magic. Hadn't she already met her mother in this time line, she would probably think that was her task._

"_That's so cool!" Henry said and the two girls beamed at each other while Miss Swan and the pirate looked alarmed. "I mean, my mom here could teach you how to poof from place to place, she does that very well." Her son said with a victorious grin pointing her as if he was proud of her evil and dark magic._

_That was a first and she took her time to look truly stunned._

"_He-kid! What the hell are you talking about?" Yes, the blasted savior was still unable to express herself without throwing random curses all around. Very inappropriate choice of words._

_Though her magic really wasn't a subject she was willing to talk about. Not when her deranged sister was in the same vicinity._

"_Can you really, Dianna? I bet you can do many, many things! You look so powerful and pretty I have no doubt." Elsa told her grinning openly and she held the girl's eyes with surprise coloring her features._

_Finally someone could see her for what she was._

"_Hey, kid! She's already taken okay?" A fierce glare accompanied that nonsense and Regina had to roll her eyes to that silly power show. Not that she could be shocked for seeing Miss Swan bantering with a child on her behalf. The woman was as immature as the little girl. "Let's keep the fangirling to a minimum." The cursed blonde took her hand in her paw and squeezed in jealousy._

_Probably because Elsa liked Regina way more than she liked the uncouth blonde._

"_Just ignore my Ma." Henry said and rolled his eyes. Her son knew better. "It would be very nice to try and learn magic with you two. Maybe we can even practice with swords, right?" Her prince was beaming, his idiotic birth mother was fuming and the pirate was drinking – as always. The two girls were impossibly happy._

_But she should have predicted what that would bring. Or maybe, after Elsa's input, Regina must have seen all was about to crumble down._

_She just… She was somewhat amused by her companions – even when Emma showed no sign of letting go of her hand – so she didn't even notice when guards started wrecking the tavern, barking orders, shooting offenses at everyone and accusing them of kidnapping Princess Elsa and trying to corrupt her in the arts of magic._

_And there was the idiotic savior trying to protect the girl with Hook's bottle of rum as if the distasteful alcohol would somehow kill the men._

_It, unfortunately, failed to murder the insipid pirate, so she didn't have high expectations about the poison's mysterious power._

_She also wasn't prepared for being attacked by some guards while the disaster-prone blonde shouted obscenities at the top of her lungs. And being shoved outside the tavern like a criminal after her mother attacked two guards with a broom, the savior broke the bottle on someone's back and Hook pierced another man with his, well, hook while all three kids were being dragged with Elsa's pleas of forgiveness and promises of being a better girl wasn't exactly how she planned to enjoy her afternoon._

_Everything was a blur and soon she was flying a man away from the little blonde princess and all of them – her mother and sister included – were trying to outrun the guard's horses with fireballs aimlessly being thrown behind them if only to scare their horses._

_And well, just when they were a step from missing the disrespectful men and fulfilling the kidnap they were being unjustly accused of, Elsa ran towards another direction and the mother inside her _had _to go after the girl, making her cohort of misfits follow their new path._

_Which, obviously, led them to the gardens of a castle where they faced even more guards, a very crossed King and a crying Queen both ordering their heads and a yelling match ran its course when Miss Swan decided to shout her never ending list of insults because their situation wasn't bad enough already._

_The runaway princess tried to plead with her parents on their behalf but as soon as the despicable King laid his eyes on Regina long enough to give her a once over, there was no escaping their unfair fate after Miss Swan stole a man's sword and all but dived at the ruler with promises of a slow and painful death for daring to ogle the brunette in front of her._

_Regina, for once, couldn't pinpoint where and when exactly her life became such a sad mess and was stunned into silence._

_(Miss Swan's threats of cutting the King's appendage were still clear in her head.)_

_Not only that, the mad woman attacked all guards with the help of Hook and Cora – who, Regina was sure, were only using the excuse for killing people – and by some miracle, the children were out of danger (it was more than the brunette could ask for) so she decided to state her mind with fireballs and protective spells._

_Of course, her predicament was decreed after what they'd done as soon as they were caught when a battered guard held a sword against Henry's neck and even the inebriated pirate and her twisted mother dropped their attacks in favor of her son's life._

_So after orders from the King, pleads from the children, expletives from the shameful savior, grunts from the leather clad handless imbecile and threats from Cora, they were to face imprisonment until following order._

_She still didn't regret her fireballs though the dungeon was nowhere the proper place to treat her – perhaps it was fair to the hooligans she was, sadly, associated with – but not to a queen._

_And never to the Evil Queen._

The fact that her ever nosy and talkative son had everything to do with her imprisonment was not lost on her. Nor was little Elsa's childish faith in her father's decency right after he sent his men to manhandle and lock them like criminals.

It was a _crime _how much she wanted to behead the man back then.

Though she didn't want to harm him nearly enough as Emma Swan who had a very colorful –yet disturbing – way of threatening people.

So no, Regina didn't hold her son responsible for this.

(And yes, she absolutely knew Henry's predisposition to meddle in other's business and to forge situations according to his plans. But surely it was his sickening birth parents blame - it was extremely unfair to expect Regina to fight the insufferable Charmings' obtrusive personality and the terrifying Dark One's will combined. She already spent her whole life trying and the only solution she found was to curse them all to another realm.)

Suddenly she was brought back to the present by the handless imbecile making a very poor use of his brain. If he had one. That was still up for debate.

"Hey, we should wait for He-" The pirate's sentence was cut by her glare and he cleared his throat. "the little lad to come to our rescue! I'm sure he won't let us root and die here!" Hook moped and paced by her side and she rolled her eyes at him. "And the tiny blonde said she would help us out too." Regina was dumbfounded by this miserable man's simple mind. How in God's good Earth could this moron bet all his tickets in two powerless children was a glaring fact of his irresponsible persona.

(That was probably why Miss Swan was attracted to him. She had a thing for immature and reckless fools after all.)

But it still was not Regina's problem.

No, better than be disgusted by the obnoxious savior's taste in men, she was thinking of Henry, her not so little prince and what may be happening to him.

And God help her if something did happen to her son! She would raise hells if anyone all but touched him!

After saving her dearest boy from impostor children in Neverland and how fine it did all end, the duty of rescuing them wasn't something she would ever wish upon her son.

Nor did she want to think about how he may be and where.

Because yes, Peter Pan was a perverse man inside a child's body – and she should have known that twisted mind could only be related to Rumplestiltskin – but thinking about all the possible things that disrespectful King and his army could be doing to her son…

It was far beyond nauseating.

"Oh right! So now we will just wait to be rescued by my kid and a, I don't know, ten years old spoiled princess because she said so?" The rude blonde savior was being sarcastic again and Regina sighed one more time. "Yeah! New flash, Hook! It's not going to happen!" The woman said exasperated and her nasty man toy glared at her.

"So what do you suggest, Swan?" He asked irritated and Regina stared daggers at him. "Because from where I'm standing, I don't see that many options popping out of nowhere." Handless moron!

She scowled. Not because she was coming to the idiotic blonde's help, god forbid!, but his mockery didn't sit well with her.

And yes, she knew the little blonde wouldn't come down to the dungeons to save them even if she could and Regina herself had an endless list of mishaps with spoiled little brats who believed they were entitled to waltz around the world and wreck everyone's life when they needed help because they were _good_.

So she did agree with Miss Swan against her better judgment.

The savior ignored the dirty man and looked at her haunted and angry at the same time. She knew the feeling.

"I don't know, can you, I mean- Do you think you can poof us out of here, Re-" Miss Swan stopped mid-sentence after Regina cleared her throat. But the smirk she received from the impractical blonde didn't mean anything good. "wife?" The glare she gave the woman was unmatched. The idiot!

"Of course I can, dear, I'm just enjoying myself so much here that I forgot this very possibility." She found herself locked in a stare contest with the graceless savior yet again.

The senseless former sheriff kept her insufferable smirk in place and she responded with an ice cold glare.

"If I recall right, we are only here because you assaulted the King when he stared at _your wife's_ cleavage, _Miss Swan."_ Oh yes! How could she forget the fact that her beloved mother was only a few feet away from her in the very same jail cell?

Oh the crimes she must have committed to deserve such punishment!

But there was something off with how her mother phrased her attack, she just couldn't figure out what exactly.

"Damn straight!" The handless fool said with a sickening crooked smile to the blonde and Regina clenched her fists to not fireball him right away. Only because her magic was blurry and unpredictable for now and, as much as it pained her to admit, she had no idea why. "Well, not exactly straight in this case…" The crass bastard's uncanny smile only grew and she thought of her son, her dearest son, and crossed her arms before something – like his unworthy carcass – was set on fire.

And the blonde in question was fidgety and flushed like a kid caught with their hand in the cookie jar.

"It wasn't my fault!" The former sheriff said.

Though everything was always her fault.

Well, not _always _seeing that sometimes it was her annoying father's fault. Most often it was her intrusive mother's blame, but they were related to her so it was only fit.

"Oh no?" Her wicked mother may be different in this time line, save for the cynicism that was still her forte. "Hm, interesting because I swear _you_ punched _his_ face and attempted to impale him with a stolen sword making promises to slay him if he all but dared to come near your 'wife'." Cora quoted wife and Regina sighed. Yes, that was all Emma. "I must be mistaken then."

The blonde in question glared at her mother with fury, as if she had any right to not feel berated after that little show she put.

Hook was smirking at the two of them and Cora had a look that dared the savior to do anything about her hurt feelings.

"Nope, it's just as I remember, lass." The dunk idiot said with a sinful smile to her mother who gave him a cunning grin that was enough to make Regina's blood boil with the need to set this disgusting place on fire. Unfortunately, her magic was still unresponsive. "Though I still remember the Queen being very smitten with Swan's chivalrous act." He winked and she scowled.

How dare that inebriate idiot mistake her everlasting humiliation for something as offensive as that?!

She wasn't _smitten _with Emma Swan's inability to express herself like a normal human being, she was simply mortified! And to see that blonde idiot acting like a senseless caveman was very unbecoming and truly suicidal. To attack a King in front of his army?! The mentally incapable savior couldn't have done worse than that.

(Though the feeling of being protected for once in her life took hold of her and her heart jumped madly at the memory. But she already established that her heart was an asinine traitor eager to be ignored.)

Still, the blonde's lack of proper etiquette and poor education was nothing new. No, what was enraging her like only the savior's parents could was seeing the indecent bond between her twisted mother and her inept sidekick.

The two of them were even more maddening here than when they went to Storybrooke blazing like a rocket to order their revenge. She had been a sitting duck back then but not now. She wouldn't be one of their paws again. Not ever!

With that in mind, Regina – finally! – felt her magic answering her call and engulfing her hand in a thick purple mist, she could feel it in her bones and all over her body like a hot furious tide embracing her and shielding her from everything. She felt powerful, unstoppable, unreachable and simply _alive. _Like every single time she resorted to her magic in all her life.

It was-

"Whatever, he can't go around touching someone else's wife and expect me to be freaking okay with it because that's just wrong! And he was goddamn lucky to have an army or he wouldn't have survived this shit."

-stopped by Emma Swan's incessant babbler, rich vocabulary and embarrassing sense of chivalry.

(This woman brought nothing but trouble!)

With that her hateful thoughts and harming magic went away as if they were never there. And she blinked.

And blinked.

And blinked.

She tried to drown the voices and the world out of her mind to control her power again but it didn't happen and she panicked.

Because surely someone did something with her magic and she wasn't capable of reaching for it anymore.

Just like the day she was tortured thanks to the wandering coward smirking at her who cut off her magic with an ungodly bracelet and left her alone and vulnerable with those-

"Hey! We're going to find a way, okay?" Her internal thoughts were once again interrupted by the brash savior – did this woman not know when to shut up? – who was a breath away from her and looking like she was battling herself not to let her disrespectful hands hold the brunette like a child.

She rolled her eyes. Obviously that woman definitely knew no bounds.

"Yes, I know, Mi-" She started and cleared her throat. "Emma. I know we will." Not for the blonde's kicked puppy eyes but in favor of their plan (and _never _for that crooked and satisfied smile that made her feel like she had everything), Regina took the hard way out.

"Yeah, we will." The train wreck whispered back.

Or the hard way in.

Because before she could search in herself to be surprised or pretend to be annoyed, she was being hugged by thin but strong arms with blond messy hair covering her vision and smelling Emma Swan's cinnamon magic. Well, she should have known.

Nothing like forests and soul mates and awkward conversations about second chances or tentative steps into a destined relationship.

And she hugged back because it was only polite.

(And thinking about Robin while she was in the infuriating woman's demanding embrace felt a lot like cheating. Her. And that was simple preposterous!)

It was only a hug out of comfort, nothing more. Nothing less.

Still Emma's hands held her with a reassuring confidence of someone who would never let you go.

But she did. Twice.

(When she accused her of being a murderer because the very woman in the same cell with her, who was supposed to be her mother, decided that framing her was the best way to a daughter's heart.

And when she decided to take her son and simply flee out of her life. Just like that. Like she meant nothing, like she didn't have ten years of memories, of fevers, tantrums, pain and happiness that could only be brought by motherhood that she kindly gave the blonde in one of the few acts of selflessness she ever did.

The first was a wake up call, she could say. But the second… It really broke her heart to think that after all she did for the good ones, all the fight she put to redeem herself she would never be enough to be one of them and would never be a good enough mother in _her _eyes. And it stung.)

So she detangled herself from that untrustworthy embrace and looked around with arms crossed.

Miss Swan had her idiotic face in place and looked like a lost child with sad eyes. She feebly ignored her.

"You don't look like a married couple." Her mother pointed with an accusing glare. Oh here we go again!

Regina sighed – she was _that _tired – but the blonde saw that as an almost physical hit and gone was her sad eyes and defeated stance. The savior straightened her posture and glared at Cora with a vengeance that could only mean she was about to endure another bickering between these two bullheaded women. Again.

Jesus! How she _hated _her sister for putting her in such inconvenient position!

"Yeah? And what did you expect? For us to be having sex right here?" Miss Swan spat and Regina did _not _blush. She seriously didn't. It was only a matter of being embarrassed once again by the same idiot. And of course, to her misfortune, the ridiculous speech wouldn't end there. It never did with that family. "Because I see no problem with it if my wife agrees."

That cursed lopsided grin!

And her breath did no hitch, her heart didn't hammer inside her chest and no, she did not imagine _that!_

This woman had no shame!

"Well, your wife looks like she might just pass out imagining this scenario so I gather you are not that good in bed." When in hell was her mother so nosy and, and-

She didn't even have a word to describe that idiocy!

But then Emma looked at her like Regina had re-cursed her whole family and destroyed her happiness over again: all miserable and beaten.

This was a circle that must be broken.

"It's none of your business, lady!" The defeated savior said low and looking at the floor. So much for standing her ground.

So much that Hook was the one rescuing them.

(And why were they still lying?)

"But they are just like that, lass. Always have been. Sometime they are bickering like children and a little after that they are attacking each other. If you know what I mean." The spiteful man dared to wink at her mother!

She had a lot of things to say and points to elucidate like no, they didn't bicker like children! Miss Swan argued like a child and she only defended herself from such childish accusations. And no! They never attacked each other like _that_!

This vulgar pirate was only voicing his pervert fantasies.

"But are you sure they are married? I just don't know how Lady Dianna could be with someone as lewd as her. It doesn't make sense." Cora said still looking suspicious.

And that simple sentence filled her with two different feelings. On one hand, she was almost proud for hearing her mother praise her for something as minimal as that. Which was disturbed – she knew – to seek acceptance from a woman who was never a mother and now didn't know she was her daughter.

Year after year she waited to hear something, anything, that would show her mother's appreciation of her and she tried it all – nothing was enough.

But here she did (well, not exactly) and Regina felt as happy as she felt enraged.

And that was what took her by surprise.

Somewhere inside her mind, after years of enduring the bug's inspirational lectures, she could rectify the warm feeling spreading inside her as a missing appreciation in her growing years. She never had and always wanted to, more than anything, be loved and cared by her 'mom', not a woman who held the mother title as she did her noble one, with iron fist. But Mother never treated her with care and for every time she was emotionally tortured by the woman; she only came back with more love.

(Though this ship sank just after her mother's ghost decided to almost kill Snow White rather than talk to her. It was the last blow she would endure.)

However, her rage or her almost inhuman need to defend the crass and crude blonde was way beyond her analyzing capacity. So her body acted on impulse – and completely against her better judgment.

(She was never one to spend her time overanalyzing her feelings anyway.)

Before the pirate could answer that – and Miss Swan could drown in more self-pity –, she took two steps and stopped by the blonde's side with an arm that snaked itself on the woman's waist and pulled her in her direction.

(She was only doing it for the show, but the savior's little yelp broke a wicked grin on her face.)

"Yes, we are married and we feel deep for each other, thank you very much." She couldn't say who was more surprised; Miss Swan was about to eat a fly with her big mouth open like a tunnel; her mother had her eyebrows raised and a mocking smile adorning her face; the pirate, the pervert pirate, was leering with a smirk that couldn't upset her more.

(And she was astonished with how much she could believe her own lie. That was a very horrifying insight.)

Aside from the surprised yelp coming from her son's idiotic birth mother, the dungeon was as silent as her vault.

And Emma's eyes on her that spoke volumes.

They were not scared, but surprised and that was understandable. And they looked soft, nothing like the stormy green that seemed to haunt her dreams (and nightmares) and had a way of testing her very thin patience with bad puns and stubbornness. They looked peaceful (and Regina never thought this annoying woman could look anything but chaotic), like they were waiting for something – for her.

This scared Regina like little things ever did.

But she was nothing if persistent. Yes, she was frightened, but that didn't mean she wouldn't hold her ground.

And they had a fake marriage to sell, a heartless woman to convince, an inopportune pirate to make jealous (and she would enjoy that very much) and a son to save, so better be over with that nonsense soon.

(She wouldn't dare say to a soul, alive or not, that what spurred her on was the crooked and lustful smile she was receiving from the blonde who, now, had her disrespectful hands back on her waist in an embrace. And seeing that she wouldn't let that ridiculous woman have the upper hand, her only option was to kiss that stupid grin off her face.)

And that she did.

Nothing exactly much, she would say, it was almost sloppy as every first kiss may be. But she didn't have time to dwell on that because, by some miracle, Miss Swan's tongue was inside her mouth in no time and she was biting the woman's lips after a heartbeat or two.

Soon after that, a moan was heard and her back collided with the wall and suddenly Emma was all over her with her insolent hands dangerously near her butt, knee between her legs with her tongue still trying to choke her deep inside her mouth.

(She should have known the woman would try to kill her with a kiss. A hell of a kiss.)

Her last thought was: Yes! Her mother and the pirate could eat that one up.

And after that everything was very hard to keep up with. Quite literally.

Emma held her up against the wall (when her legs decided to desert her) and same traitorous legs got tangled around the savior's waist. Her hands were pulling blonde locks and urging a seriously wicked mouth to keep on kissing her. Her throat was making noises it most definitely shouldn't. And she felt on fire, like a Katniss something from a book Henry was now obsessed with and shots of electricity were running through her like someone was defibrillating her heart.

But that still didn't come near the show the blonde was putting (who knew she could act that well?). The vulgar woman was squeezing her ass like someone did to fruits on a market, her heart was beating so damn loud that Regina was afraid the savior could fall dead on her (only because Henry would blame her. And he would be right this time around). Emma was panting like a dying smoker, but still didn't stop kissing in favor of breathing and she was grunting loud noises that were far from being human. And that was all too much for her libido.

(Yes, she kissed Robin, but she didn't have sex in _ages _and couldn't be held responsible if she, perhaps, violated the savior.)

With that she took a deep breath, opened her eyes and broke the kiss – her traitor hands still inside a mess of blonde.

"Trust me, I know your little Zelena is alright, Cora." She heard that being said somewhere and stared at Miss Swan in shock.

How dare they ignore this show she put so much thought into doing to talk about her wicked sister? Of course the little demon was fine! She was probably poisoning someone or practicing a death spell! Her only worry was-

"Hi!" A smiling and angry red mouth said to her. Her gaze roomed through a mischievous face (with dark green eyes and dilated pupils) and she held back the want to roll her eyes.

"Hi…" She whispered back instead.

"I-uhm that was… It was… Good?" That time she rolled her eyes. Why the damn woman couldn't use words like a normal person? "I'm not sure if I should-" She would have found all the bashfulness and nerves becoming on another person, but not on this hooligan (That was another glaring lie). What a time to be a tongue-tied Charming!

(Somewhere in Storybrooke, the two idiots were laughing at her, she was sure.)

So she kissed Miss Swan again. It had nothing to do with how her body simply hummed in harmony with hers or how she liked that crude mouth doing things different than talking nonsense. But it was obviously because she didn't need to hear the rest of that question to know what it would be. And didn't feel like answering it.

Well not with words, anyway. They were very bad with them.

Emma, of course, couldn't respond any quicker than she had. And sooner than later she was sneaking her hand (that wasn't tied in blonde mane) inside her tunic to scratch a taut stomach wildly and the woman holding her was moaning and whimpering and rocking on her and Jesus Christ! She will die!

"Don't they have any decency?"

Regina bit a pale neck with vigor and a litany of furious swears went through the blonde's teeth.

If it was any other time, she would have berated the woman for using such a coarse language, but not now. Hearing that crude woman hissing cusses like a sailor was such a turn on Regina was afraid of dropping dead right on spot.

"I'm afraid not. They never did, never will. Though they were never quite this libidinous before."

Without missing a beat, she licked the woman's neck and felt Emma trembling against her - if her mind was able of anything else than deflowering the former sheriff with gusto, she would have scolded the woman who was probably a step from falling. With her!

"Jesus fuck!" Miss Swan said before holding her hair and kissing her back like a woman possessed. And Regina kissed back just as hard when the blonde's hand held and squeezed her left breast.

"Em…ma." It was her time to moan and lick the blonde's chin in a jest that made the other woman wild.

(This was her point, after all.)

They were way past the point of no return, doing things they shouldn't and kissing people they couldn't. But when the savior started to babbler her mouth again (if Regina was awkwardly wet before, after that she was embarrassingly dripping) they broke a barrier they shouldn't.

(Seeing that those things would come to haunt them both way after that. Making out with each other like mad people could be rebutted with the need to sell their fake relationship. Yes, it could have gotten a little out of hand, but they could always blame their acting skills.

Now talking about how long they wanted to do it? Well, it was hard to lie after that one. Thought they were nothing if persistent enough to try.)

"I've always wanted to fuck you against a jail cell. Ever since the fucking day I became sheriff." The blonde said biting her earlobe and taking a very pained moan out of her.

"As I wanted you between my legs under my desk, Miss Swan." Of course she wouldn't let the blonde win their little spar! She mimicked Emma's actions and whispered at her ear, hand still full of blonde hair and a lustful smile taking over her face.

"Oh God!" The blonde kissed her yet again. "I'm just picturing that! And I can't tell you how much I fucking want it!" Was purred against her lips and they were back to where they stopped. With messy tongues battling for dominance and hands shamelessly roaming each other's body and moans that were eaten by hungry mouths.

Miss Swan's pants and grunts were all her ears could listen and hearing such response made Regina delirious.

She couldn't bring herself to care that she was sucking the hateful woman's neck like a vampire or that the blonde's hands were trying to untie her corset with fervor. Nor did she care that her nemesis was whispering a handful of expletives on her ear and prompting her on with something like 'yes; please; fuck me; Jesus fucking Christ' and whatnots that would have made the brunette blush any other day.

Though she was fairly certain she was deep red. Her motives however were still not anyone's damn business.

As though she was being piloted against her will, Regina quickly detangled herself from the blonde's octopus like embrace – and heard an indignant whimper in response that she absolutely _did not_ find adorable – to throw the woman on a makeshift bed that was a crime against humanity only to mount her a second later, gaining that ridiculously (delightful) immature crooked smile in return.

Their two companions were oddly quiet but Emma was taking off her tunic and there went that thought. The former sheriff still had a top yes, though her rigid stomach was now on display and Regina ogled her openly, licking her lips.

(It was a very _pleasant _sight.)

Her caveman of a partner growled something inhuman and pulled her back into another bruising kiss.

(If only she knew how easy it would be to get the woman under her spell… Not mentioning the fact that she would _blissfully _share the news with Emma's incompetent parents only to add more despair to their long list of regrets.

It felt a lot like her main plan when she enacted the curse: the two idiots would be miserable and she would have her happy ending.

Because of Henry, of course.

It had nothing to do with the clueless savior under her who still didn't manage to take off her corset and, with a grunt, gave up on her mission in favor to squeeze her butt and ground her hips fiercely against hers, making her moan without shame.

Only it had almost everything to do with her.)

"Fuck, baby! Can you…?" The blonde panted on her mouth and tugged the laces of her garment in a silent question with a pained expression and wide dark eyes. Regina smirked; one would think savior was being tortured by the look she was giving the brunette. "Please?"

And the brunette ignored the term of endearment; it would do her no good to dwell on that.

Though her galloping heart was another story.

"Oh no, God no!"

She deliberately licked Miss Swan's lips and the shudder that went through the blonde was enough to make her smile widen.

"Let's… just turn around, lass."

"I guess I can try, dear." She winked and the other woman nodded dumbly before attacking her mouth with hands pulling her hair and griping her ass simultaneously.

Regina was hell bent on giving her companion a show she would never forget. So slowly, ever so slowly , she reclined back still giving the blonde a twisted smirk (that had the other woman almost drooling and assaulting her) and started to untie the laces of her corset being serenaded by grunts, pants and some crude language that almost had her using magic to get off her whole attire – if it wasn't for how bleary her magic felt.

However, as Snow White's spawn, Emma had no patience and dived for her mouth with renewed strength almost knocking them both on the floor.

Well, as long as she was being so thoroughly kissed, Regina couldn't find a fuck to give.

Until something – or rather someone interrupted them with a yell of panic.

"Moms!" Her eyes winded and she retracted her tongue from Miss Swan's mouth after hearing that voice. Her son's voice.

She jumped off Emma's lap as if the woman was on fire (and she was, in a sense) and looked around to see her son's white as a sheet face.

Jesus Christ! What had she done?

"Oh thank God!"

Regina's shock was mirrored in Emma's face and both of them turned to look at each other after seeing her scarred prince with fearful eyes.

"Kid! That's- we- how?" Regina rolled her eyes to the woman she was kissing fiercely a second ago (only to partake in her son's lie, nothing more than that) inability to act like a normal human being.

Yes, Emma Swan could do better things with her mouth that did not involve talking.

(Maybe talking dirty, but that was not the time or place to amuse herself with those thoughts.)

"Hello, my little prince! I missed you so much!" She gave him her best smile but he was still staring from one to another with wide eyes.

Well, it looked like they broke their son.

While she looked at Henry with pleading eyes and a painful smile on her lips, the idiot was wrestling with her tunic like a lunatic.

After endless tries, the hopeless blonde managed to cover herself somewhat decently to Henry's endless amusement and Regina's unmatched mortification.

What in hell was she thinking when she decided to kiss _that _shameless woman?

"I'm okay, moms! I just-" He started and gave them both a very twisted smile for a thirteen years old boy. She locked eyes with the incapable blonde and glared fiercely at her; this was entirely the savior's and her doomed genes fault after all.

"I see you are all enjoying your accommodations quite well." The King personal guard's voice boomed behind Henry and his birth mother literally growled at him. "You see, Peter, your family is just alright. What do you say to leave them back to what they were doing?"

Oh but this man will meet pain like no one ever did!

"And Zelena? How's my daughter?" Her mother said from behind them and she shared a surprised look with the blonde.

These two conspirator creepers were way too silent while they were… They were doing what they were doing. Something was definitely wrong with that picture.

"She is alright, Miss Cora! Right now she is playing with Elsa and Anna so that's why she didn't come to visit." The three women arched their eyebrows at him. "Gee, I don't play with dolls, so I came here to see you guys instead." Like that little ginger devil would ever be innocently playing with dolls.

Perhaps voodoo dolls. That was more her style.

Her mother seemed to be okay with that and smiled thankfully at her son (and that sight warmed her silly heart so much). Miss Swan and her restless hand took her hand and squeezed a little and that was where Henry's gaze was fixed.

Of course it would be.

"So now we are all going out, right?" The blonde asked (and her hand was still very warm) and oh so very soft that everything that went some minutes ago came back-

"No, of course you are not!" The bastard said with a scowl and all her previous thoughts were gone in favor of a:

"Excuse me?!"

"Why the fuck not?" That could only be the crude blonde. Honestly, that woman was a lost cause.

"This is unacceptable to be held here without a reason!" Her mother, and if she was born in the Land Without Magic, Cora would definitely be a lawyer, said exasperated.

"First, for trying to harm Your Majesty, King Agdar, for kidnapping Princess Elsa, for verbally assaulting Your Majesty, Queen Idun, for attacking Captain Laurent Phillips and his men. Guards: Fitzgerald, Russell, Summers, Smith, Jensen, Campbell, Maguire, Stevenson, Matthews, Lawrence, Tr-"

"Okay, we get that, thank you." The pirate interrupted the man and the guard glared at her group.

Well, what could she say? They didn't seem to have a strong army, it was hardly her fault.

"Very well, so for these crimes you are going to spend another night here and thank your guardian angels because if it was me, I would have your heads before morning." Regina glared at the stupid man. As if.

"You are only standing over there because they caught my wife before she set you on fire, asshole, but I wouldn't push my luck if I were you." Yes, the blonde came to her rescue and she gave her a knowing smirk.

"Moms!" Henry whined again and they quickly let go of each others hands. No need to expend another dime on his therapy with all the money she will most definitely have to invest after the scene he just saw. After a minute or two (that her son spent smirking in conspiracy at both his mothers), Regina caught the unpleasant pirate grinning at her and made a disgusted face. Peasants. The awkward blonde by her side was a step from spraining her wrists with how much she clumsily twisted her hands. And her mother looked outraged as always. "Please let's just put this behind us! You will be getting out in some few hours, no need to extend that." Her mischievous son went on.

Well, Regina supposed he was right. Dungeons were not a place for a Queen like her after all.

"Whatever, kid! Nothing in this stupid list would have happened if they haven't accused us of kidnapping Elsa and tried to force us to confess a crime we didn't commit!" Regina nodded her head. Despite not being the brightest crayon in the box, the savior was ultimately right.

What if she burned some guards here and there? They tried to manhandle her first! And maybe trying to take the Captain's heart was a step too far, but he asked for it, the repulsive idiot!

And anyway, the rest was all by Miss Swan's account.

How could that woman still be breathing after almost beheading the King (it would have been very well deserved), hissed colorful obscenities at the Queen, broke a man's arm and knocked two unconscious was still a mystery. One she didn't want to overanalyze.

There was still her mother hitting men with the kingdom's flag and Hook stealing one of the noble's carriages and trying to will the horses to march right into the palace striking as many men as the three of them failed to attack.

But again, she did worse before and never had the misfortune of being locked like a criminal, so this was no excuse.

"How dare you, you stupid-"

Before that unfortunate man had the audacity to finish his sentence, Regina sent him flying to the other end of the dungeon. What a brainless fool!

"I will end you before you finish this sentence, _you _useless lumbering oaf." She snickered with barely contained rage, How dare him!

Of course, seeing as she was busy glaring deadly at the fallen imbecile, she failed to see Miss Swan's proud and juvenile smile. Which was good for the blonde.

They said nothing while the man was helping himself up with not enough pain as she would have liked but it was still something.

That was until the drunk pirate decided to shout.

"Hey! May I go another cell?" The man in distress growled a 'no' and her two female counterparts stared the handless bandit down. Regina couldn't bring herself to care so she focused on her son instead.

"Dear, are you alright? Are they treating you well? Because if they're not then-"

"Hey! It's everything okay, mom." He said smiling so much she didn't mind the interruption. They better. Until he leaned in his scheming way to tell something she probably wouldn't want to know. "I convinced them of our story so it's all good." She nodded because it was impossible to scold him right then. "And I know your magic may be a little off-" A little off didn't come close to it at all. "-but they are afraid of magic so that's why you guys are inside this cell, it's the only one that suppresses magic." She arched her eyebrow at him. "Well, it _should _suppress magic anyway." She sighed.

"I understand." And she truly did. Though she disliked the idea with a passion.

"And please, don't poof you guys out of here. They will break you free, I promise you. And if they don't, then I'll come and warn you and we'll run together, okay? I mean, we have the ball and grandmamma must meet grandpapa so we can't go yet." Yes, he was right and she was not surprised. He told her with a very mature face as if he knew she was a step from teleporting away. And she was.

"Okay." There was nothing else for her to say.

Both brunettes looked at the three people behind her discussing something that apparently Hook did wrong in his life. Nothing new with that. Mother and son rolled their eyes.

"And please, just keep Ma calm before she kills someone or get herself killed." Regina nodded her head faintly because that was a very high possibility. The blonde had this inane power to grant on everyone's nerves and she knew Henry would be devastated by the idea of losing his moronic birth mother and she would be sad for him. Only for him. Her son smiled at her. "So you must keep calm too, mom." His puppy eyes were her undoing.

"Very well." But that didn't mean she couldn't glare at the stupid guard, did it?

Henry beamed at her and she had to grin back. Not for the unfortunate situation she found herself in – the filthy dungeon was way worse than all the transgressions she committed and she had a very rich list – though, by reasons that escaped her mind, she was slightly amused by the outcome.

"Hey, I don't have to witness you and the Queen doing _that_, okay?" Immoral Hook sneered and she smiled wickedly at his jealous tone. What a shame for him!

"Are you sure you're not gay, Hook? Because lemme tell you that all of this is very worrying." Her smirk turned devilish after hearing that disturbed woman mocking the man. "First is the eyeliner and then all this tight leather, now you're telling me you are afraid of two women kissing?"

The addressed man just scowled at her.

"He can't be blamed for having decency unlike you." Her mother came to the man's rescue and she gave up on that debate after Miss Swan started her cussing show about having 'rights to touch her wife whenever she fucking wanted to'.

She should be afraid of hearing the blonde defend their façade with so much vigor; it was, after all, a lie. The truth was she just couldn't force herself to admonish her for that.

For reasons she wasn't ready to face. Regina was not going to let her mind go down that rabbit hole.

She also should reprimand the absurd blonde for acting like a mindless Neanderthal and objectifying her since they came to this regrettable trip.

She just chose not to.

Because honestly the brunette was just livid with such disrespectful language being barked in front of her son. It was unacceptable to imagine the depths of corruption this ludicrous woman must have caused on her growing prince in only a goddamn year!

However, when her mother snorted back with the same unwise strength, Regina just sighed and turned back to a happy Henry who found her misery very much enjoyable.

Then the pirate was back to the discussion and the three of them were all arguing about something as absurd as their existence.

"Mom, are you okay?"

"These are hardly the accommodations I would plan on having, but I suppose we will be." Her boy arched his eyebrow and she sighed. "Fine, I mean."

After that, her prince beamed with barely contained happiness and she felt an awkward presence lumbering behind her. So that explained his happy behavior.

And she would need to have a talk with Henry to set it all straight as soon as she got released from this hellhole. She couldn't have her boy trying to play match maker and misreading her feelings for his insufferable birth mother. It simply wouldn't do.

The only thing she felt for that cursed woman was hatred. Pure and plain.

And yes, she may have kissed that crude mouth of hers. And maybe she said her fair share of nonsense with her companion. Perhaps she pushed too far and even enjoyed almost tonguing the hellish savior to death. But well, nobody needed to know that and she could always tell herself that she was only horny.

It could be only about sex. Of course, it _was_ only about sex! Having feelings for that train wreck of a woman was out of the books and simply absurd!

Never in a million years!

And that was it, Regina just needed to have sex.

(Problem was: with who?)

It would be simple enough to scratch that itch if she wasn't stuck in a fake relationship with that moron.

Because well, she had no qualms about sleeping with someone anytime she wanted. But she wasn't looking for being called a cheater by her son (everybody else could shove their opinions about her wherever they pleased, but not Henry).

Now, after the act they pulled, well, she was in a very unfortunate position already.

For one, she couldn't seem to shake herself free from these idiots screwing her plans. And two, Henry was the one who started this madness and now she was _sure _he believed he could be right.

(And analyzing how Miss Swan was invested in giving everyone a show of their inexistent attraction for each other, Regina was pretty much frightened of entertaining this nightmarish possibility.)

So, it left her backed in a corner: she couldn't simple go around acting on her urges to have sex and she would have to pretend to feel something (other than disgust) for the mentally challenged savior.

And for all the fucks she done in her years, that ought to be the worst punishment one could think of.

"Hey!" Her son's voice shook her out of her dreadful pity party and she focused on his sweet face. "I just wanna tell you that I love you, okay?" His smile was enough to lighten her life and as if she just didn't come to a sickening conclusion, Regina couldn't help but grin back and feel like it was all worth it.

Because it truly was. His appreciation and love were her ultimate goal and everything else was simply background.

"I love you, too, baby. So very much." She whispered in reply and, for a moment, his face looked younger and so vey naïve. Like every other day they spent playing in her yard that came with his silly confessions of love right after he broke something.

(Goddamn Miss Swan's clumsy genes!)

Their sweet moment was ended by the idiotic guard who grunted something and pulled her son away from her (with shouts of 'get your fucking paws away from him' that could only be said by one crude person, really.)

"Hey, everything will be okay and I'll come back tomorrow and we'll get out here, moms! No matter what, we'll always have each other!" Henry yelled back with a fearful smile after being ushered away by the monster. "I'll find you!" He said in between laughs just before the door closed and Regina sighed with dread.

At least he would be okay.

"Gee! That was cheesy as fuck! We have to watch the time the kid spend with David 'cause, between mom and dad, I have enough on my plate with this 'I'll always find you' nonsense." In a blink of an eye, there was Miss Swan stating the obvious because that was her real superpower.

"Mmn." The brunette simple hummed in response. After all, it was as clear as day nothing good would ever come out of her son's association with those idiots.

"Hey! You okay?" Never knowing when to shut up, Miss Swan had to keep her mouth running.

But now, after the day they all had, Regina felt drained in every possible way, so her only answer was a tired sigh that rewarded her with a blond eyebrow raised in question.

No, no matter what, the hooligan could never let her be.

"Yes, I suppose." Was all but a whisper that had the obnoxious savior stepping in front of her to stare at her face like the creeper she was.

Regina crossed her arms and huffed in response because, honestly, she didn't need another quasi-inspirational speech from a wannabe shrink when she spent years looking at the bug's concerned face. And most of all, not from _her._

Besides, Miss Swan couldn't give a speech if her life depended on it, so no use trying to relate, or understand or whatever her forsaken family called their nosiness.

Thank God she stopped there and didn't channel her inner Snow White or lord help them all if Regina wouldn't bring this disgusting place down in flames.

The garish blonde nodded her head and opened her arms making the brunette roll her eyes at that truly idiotic invitation. As idiot as the improper woman.

(Though she walked into the embrace for whatever curse someone placed upon her that was messing with her mind.)

And it felt…

Good.

Even when the person hugging her was rough around the edges and had a very unbecoming personality, her embrace was somewhat sweet.

Maybe because she was a woman with curves and breasts and her mop of a hair also smelled nice and didn't have a scruffy beard or broad chest or callous hands and bizarre tattoos and meddling fairies or fairy dust and-

Her train of thought was interrupted by a kiss on her temple that left her squeezing her eyes shut and blocking thoughts or how _good _it felt to be in that position.

The background noise was still the pirate's snort and her mother's scheming voice badmouthing the very same distressed savior she was holding, but when she put her chin on _her _spot on Emma's shoulder, there was no denying the comfortable and content sigh coming from her.

"You think so?" Her _fake _wife asked with a fear note on her voice and Regina found herself staring at her stormy green eyes full of emotions she couldn't name. And wasn't ready to consider.

Of course, never in a million years she would have thought of sharing a jail cell with such enthralling company; from a pirate she despised to a mother she feared and the unreasonable daughter of her arch-nemesis, Regina could say that her predicament wasn't ideal.

Though when she found herself in Miss Swan's arms she could not find in herself to regret anything.

"I know so." She said before snuggling into the hug (only because Miss Swan seemed to need it) and whispered back.

She couldn't see the other woman's face but she could bet her magic she was smiling.

And for all that's holy, she felt younger and _alive_ imagining that she was the cause of that smile.

Jesus! This fake marriage was about to give her a stroke, she was sure of it.

"I trust you." Was whispered on her ear right before paws squeezed her a little and a breath was sucked with enough force to give tingles on her skin.

(And for about a second, she decided that she wouldn't mind faking a relationship with this insufferable idiot who could make her go from zero to hero in the spare of a minute.)

Goddamn this woman and her boyish grins and loathsome hugs with the uncanny ability to make her feel everything at once.

She should have killed Snow fucking White before she gave birth to such stupid progeny. That woman had no qualms to destroy Regina's life over and over again.

And that will be the first thing she'll do as soon as they got back from this ungodly trip. Oh but you can bet!

And she'll kill this absurd pirate and her mother because it's better be safe than sorry. Maybe she can cast a new curse and be done with-

"Hey! What happened earlier, you know…" The troublesome woman was talking. _Again_. Regina sighed. Trust this chatterbox the inability to form proper sentences without sounding like a mental patient out of medication. "I liked it." Blonde idiot finished and before the ex-Evil Queen could fly her to the moon, the bars, hell, or whatever place that was distant enough from her body, the hug turned needy and desperate. She glared at the moron, so much for peace. "Just so you know."

"Mmn." Of course she wouldn't say she liked that, too, not now and not ever.

Besides, she didn't like it.

Really didn't.

And there was no use in lying to her because Henry wasn't there and her mother and the pirate were cooking revenge against Elsa's parents for whatever reason they deemed worth.

Probably no reason at all. Just their mutual need to kill people to pass time.

"Er, do you think-" As soon as she heard that blabbering mouth, Regina untangled herself from the embrace to glare at the woman who was never introduced to silence. And boy, that glare would make hell look like a cold place. The bane of her existence cleared her throat, probably ashamed of her lack of talking skills. "I mean, we should do it again."

Her eyebrow was cocked skyward. The fool gulped.

"And you think that because…"

(She will deny until her demise, but the blonde's flustered face was a sight to be seen.)

Because Regina _loved to _make her suffer in every possible way.

"They are not convinced." Miss Swan motioned with her head and she turned to look at the psychopaths behind her to check the woman's answer. "They don't believe us." And they shouldn't because it was all a lie. But honestly, the two of them were still planning to kill the monarchs as soon as they were released if Hook's 'We'll just break in their chambers and stab them in the middle of the night before we run away' was anything to go by. She turned back to the fool with her eyebrow still raised because yes, the woman must have heard that (the assassin duo would have been heard by the whole castle if they weren't locked in a stone cell several feet down with torture equipments that could only mean the walls must be very thick to drown the prisoners wailing and yells of pain. Somehow neither the handicapped pirate nor her mother were gifted with subtlety). And her embarrassed face meant that yes, the blonde heard that alright.

"They don't look like they care about our relationship status, dear." She smirked at the woman because she knew the two of them from several inopportune years: and if there was no blood bath to be shed, no heart to be crushed and no gore to paint the walls; there simply would be no interest whatsoever.

The pirate and Cora were that simple.

And before she could analyze the depths of their psychotic behavior, she heard a loud huff and came face to face with a marching savior with a determined expression who stopped an inch from her with a grimace.

This woman was plain mad!

And Regina deserved the Nobel for letting them all live.

(Nothing would ever spell good deed more than not killing these three psycho fools on this trip from hell. Christ! Her attempt at redemption could only go so far.)

"I say we should try harder." Well, wasn't the blonde a female version of Casanova? "You know, they are probably thinking it was a fluke or whatever." Miss Swan finished with a roll of her eyes and Regina stared at her in confusion. Who cares about what they think anyway? "So we'll try harder until they believe we are sickeningly in love." Though they weren't.

(And still her foolish heart started a riot inside her chest. Christ almighty! She needed a cardiologist because there must something wrong with her!)

"Miss Swan-" Before she could reprimand the blonde's ridiculous plan or train of thought (because really, the dreadful pirate and sick mother couldn't care less about their little lie and Henry was nowhere to be found – and he should never witness _that _again! Only because it would never happen again!), the crazy woman embraced her waist – and she yelped in surprise.

"So may I kiss you now, babe?" It was a whisper that rang on her head like a shout.

That answer was simple: no.

No.

_No!_

"Yes…"

What?!

So that was how Regina found herself in another kissing contest with her arch-nemesis' spawn. Though this one was somehow sweet and slower with less wandering hands and just tentative licks to deepen the connection.

It wasn't rough.

It was…

Good.

"Oh my God! Not again!"

And when she finally let the savior's witty tongue inside her mouth every noise faded.

Even the ones inside her head whispering questions like 'how?', 'why?' and 'she was supposed to say no so why did her mouth say yes?'. And she would need to have a talk with the blonde because those pet names were preposterous. She, Regina Mills, the former Evil Queen, wasn't someone's babe. What was that? A bad porn pick up line?

But here she was Dianna Parker (and they'll need to remember that because she can't help herself from referring to the idiot as Miss Swan and Henry had to make a joke with Spiderman so it was all a crazy mess), a fair ruler married to a jealous knight who had the disease of keeping her foot inside her mouth.

And she was kissing her wife passionately like only two people in love could.

(She could do a lot of things and could name every skill she had, but acting ability was nowhere on the list.)

And God help her if the lines weren't getting blurred by every passing second!

But still, Miss Swan didn't give a damn (most probably because she lacked the brain cells to do so), then why would she?

She could always share said dalliance with the Charmings in colorful detail, every swipe of tongue on hers, every single moan and guttural groan and how she could make their chaotic offspring a wild hot mess with just a smirk. Oh the tears they would both shed!

(And she wouldn't need to lie to do that.)

She smiled into the kiss and Miss Swan opened her dark green eyes with dilated and lust induced pupils to spare a concerned and confused glance.

"A-are you okay?" It was husky and raw and Regina was fucking tired of hearing that question and yes, she was pretty much okay. More or less.

And horny.

(The shiver running down her spine was more than uncalled for.)

"Just kiss me harder. Make it count." She whispered back and the blonde did just that; she kissed Regina like she never wanted anything else in her cursed life; like nothing else mattered and they were alone in the world (which was odd because they were keeping this show for the psychotic duo, after all); like the brunette was about to disappear anytime soon; like she needed to map every corner of her mouth with her tongue; like she would never have a chance to do it again. Like Regina was everything she wanted and more.

And the brunette gave just as good as she got. She was hell bent on winning that one. Whatever that was.

(Though it broke her heart to be kissed like that, for one reason or another, it felt too sad and desperate and nothing like them.

Then again, in real world, they wouldn't be kissing.)

Still she turned the kiss around and slowed their tongue battle to the sweetest pace she could manage.

Because they were a married couple in love and should act like that, of course.

Until Miss Swan broke into a smile and kissed happily with one arm on her back and her palm on her cheek making a humming sound on her throat that almost made Regina slap some maturity into her head.

What a crazy savior they were given…

(Instead she smiled into the kiss mirroring her unbalanced companion and hugged the odd woman's neck like a teenager on a ball and trust her loony somewhat enemy, they started to sway to the blonde's tune.)

It ended a few seconds after that because her lungs were burning and Regina's heart was about to jump out of her throat. It was galloping so much she almost took it out for fear of having a cardiac arrest (dying from a heart attack after crushing so many hearts was a joke bad enough to actually happen to her).

She opened her eyes to see the idiot staring at her with a shy smile and playful eyes that made her frown. Surely she was the one who went crazy because someone as crass as Miss Swan couldn't be really looking at her like that.

Though she was and before Regina could ask if she was having a stroke, the bipolar blonde rested her forehead on hers and inhaled deep, with eyes closed, a hand on her cheek and the other on her waist.

This day was getting stranger and stranger.

To own her part of the deal, Regina kissed that ridiculous chin of hers and the blonde looked confused for a while before hugging her waist with both hands with a mischievous smile (and that was where Henry got his trick from, of course it would be) and turned her around like a teenager to Regina's utmost surprise.

(She couldn't help her yelp. Miss Swan definitely lost her last grasp of mind.)

"Emma, what-" She tried to scold the woman as soon as she was back on the floor because, seriously, what was that? Some Nicholas Sparks sappy novel?

But the mad woman kissed her quiet and she decided to let that one go. It was too out of character to analyze anyway.

However that part, she decided, wouldn't be shared with Snow White.

(There was no way in hell she would tell her nemesis how her mentally ill daughter could make her feel like a young girl with a crush.

The only tears that would fall from this confession would be hers. And she was not going there. Not again.)

But the sex, if that happened… Oh! It would be so explicitly explained they would inspire porn movies all around.

Maybe she should make a sex tape and send it to her despicable former step-daughter. Or use her magic mirror.

Not that she was planning to fuck Emma Swan, of course not!

But if that ever happens (which totally won't, she just like to plan things ahead, that's all), at least she would gain something out of this disgusting set up. That would be a way to crush the spoiled little princess' heart without doing it physically.

(And by the way she found herself backed up against the cell with one savior kissing her like a woman on a mission, she truly wished they could start working on the blonde's kinky fantasy that included jail cells and angry sex right away. It was just sex, after all.)

Not that she would share the view with the disgusting pirate. Not ever.

However putting on a show so he'll know that Emma was out of his repulsive league would hurt no one.

Only him. But fuck if she cared.

"Jesus!" The blonde exclaimed before Regina decided to put the show on the road and bit the blonde's neck hard enough to leave a mark while her nails scratched Miss Swan's back like a modern mosaic. Not that her fake wife could ever complain, by the looks of it – the woman was pushing her so hard against the cell bars that she could fell it all shaking more than when said idiot tried to bend them with sheer force.

(And the laws of physics kept her still inside of the cell even when Emma was desperately trying to push her out of the cage in need.)

There were two hands harassing her corset in vain and a leg between hers. And fucking Christ, she needed clothes off!

Two loud snorts were heard from behind them and she smirked to herself for a moment before letting go of Miss Swan's mouth with a teasing bite on her lower lip and moved her mouth to the other woman's ear.

"Do you believe they are still thinking we are faking it?" Her voice was deeper, she knew that because she had a nice pair of ears. Even if she didn't, a moan escaped Emma's mouth after hearing her and she couldn't help but like that sound.

When the blonde opened her eyes to look at her a wave of desire rocked her body and for a moment she just _knew _that that wasn't for show. Not with the way she was being stared at in a wild trance or how Emma was strangling the bars to keep her hand off of her.

Not with the way Regina hoped she had those hands squeezing her body instead.

(That was _not _a good sign.)

"Yes…" Was a low whisper and the brunette stared at her mouth for some good seconds not knowing if Miss Swan was answering her question or reading her mind. And that was simply impossible, really. There was no such thing as mind reading, she was sure of it.

But with the way that unruly woman was looking at her now… All bets were off.

"Jesus Christ! Can't the two of you keep your hands to yourselves? This is beyond ridiculous!" Her mother shouted and Miss Swan rolled her eyes in annoyance.

"You don't need to fucking flaunt _this _in front of us!" The pirate parroted in a disgusted way that had the blonde gritting her teeth in anger.

Regina smirked. Just that.

"You see, it's very hard for me to keep my hands to myself when they can have a better use all over my wife's body." She said with a mad smirk that made her fake wife look surprised and confused.

She would have been surprised too if she took another second to come to terms with the craziness she just said.

Instead she dived at Emma's mouth and the blonde's moan drowned the unhappy psycho pair snorts of anger.

She changed their positions and pushed the blonde against the bars without breaking their bruising kiss.

(The blonde was more than happy with that and had no problem to moan in agreement.)

Regina smirked in response; it would serve the pirate right. There was no way in hell Emma would ever go back to flirting with that despicable brute.

And to prove her point (or just because she was _dying _to touch the woman's skin), she let her hands travel from the blonde's stomach to her ribs and up until Emma was groaning, squeezing her ass and dry humping her leg.

Go big or go home, they say.

(Not that it made any sense anyway. She couldn't go bigger and going home was also not an option.)

She found herself pulling blonde mane in a way that should hurt and it probably did but her nemesis was so into her that Regina felt faint. To have someone so invested and so vocal about wanting her was truly getting her out of control.

And then there was their plan.

After all, her mother's fine sense of decency was exactly what she wanted to offend. As deeply as utterly possible.

They were achieving that alright (more than alright, actually) until she closed her fists around the bars for fear of going to rough on the blonde (and she would deny that, absolutely) and the air was knocked out of her lungs and she fell forward in a panic rush that only stopped once she felt Miss Swan's arms around her just before everything went black.


	4. Chapter 4

**Disclaimer:** I only own the mistakes.

(I'll try to correct the previous chapters as soon as I have time)

This is not as miserably long as the others, but it kinda didn't take too long, so let's look at the bright side here.

**[**About Regina's denial, Laura, unfortunately I'm trying to keep it as closer to her character as possible, you know? And if this relationship would actually happen, I hardly doubt Regina would simply embrace it before using every excuse form her arsenal. And then some more.

Milla, hahaha, Regina com certeza tá numa sinuca de bico, coitada.

And thanks, ello2, I tagged humor as well. ;] And of course, she just _had _to sell their story, an Oscar-worthy performance of her. And to make Hook miserable even when he already has his eyes on someone else, but well...**]**

Thanks for the reviews and following and all that, guys. And I'll see you soon, hopefully. xo

* * *

"Ooaf!" That was the first unladylike noise that came out of her mouth. And it was followed by a litany of furious cussing as soon as a head made contact with her chest and knocked the air out of her. "Fucking Christ!"

Her anger suddenly disappeared as soon as she reminded herself of the owner of said head and heard a displeased grunt coming out of the said owner's mouth.

Only Regina would manage to silently reprimand her choice of vocabulary after she was almost knocked out cold by her hard head.

Emma couldn't say she was surprised with the brunette's response, though she was physically incapable of not running her hands through the woman's back to check for injuries.

(And after she grouped the former Evil Queen like a horny teenager, she couldn't fucking believe why she was making excuses for her behavior either.)

"What the hell?!" Hook's booming voice was a wake-up call as good as any (no, not really) and she was forced to stop her mind (and hands) from wandering around curvy breasts, tan skin, wicked mouth, a very demanding tongue and an ass that most definitely-

"Are you okay, Emma?" It was a whisper. A sexy whisper coming from the object of her affections – and sex daydreams – that had her blinking like a moron.

_Fucking smooth, Swan!_

"Yeah, I guess." She said as soon as she opened her eyes and stared at those pools of melted chocolate that she could spend the rest of her mundane life swimming and never get tired- "And what about you?" Emma chose to ask before Regina's stare turned anymore analytical – and somehow worried, she'll save that for a rainy day – because it was pretty plain written in her dark eyes that she didn't believe the blonde's answer.

And maybe she was right not to.

After all, Emma could have suffered a concussion after that nasty fall.

Or maybe Regina just destroyed all her brain cells after that make out session that left her breathless, horny and a step from jumping her kid's birth mother.

Why in hell she didn't try that fucking sooner?

Jesus! That woman was sex on legs!

(On legs, breasts, smart mouth, a motherfucking ass, that cunning face that could leave the blonde penniless with a stare on a normal day-)

"I suppose I am okay." And oh lord! That fucking sexy voice! God! That woman was a sin! A delicious one that had the ability to make her sappy, mushy, needy, fucking dripping and- "Are you sure you are okay, _Emma_?"

_There had to be laws against that fucking breathless moan of her name because it was simply a _crime!

That's it, Regina was a criminal and should be behind bars! And only a sheriff as good as the savior could be trusted with such dangerous duty to teach that fucking woman a lesson-

Oh fuck that!

Regina was hovering above her, only a breath away with a wicked smirk on her just indescribably beautiful face and that thing with the raised eyebrow? _That _was the last straw.

So she kissed her. Roughly. Just like they were doing few minutes before when she was being backed against cell bars (a pretty fucking change of her fantasies, if she could say. When she dreamed about it, and boy she did!, it was always the other way around; at the very least, on her daydream she was the one in charge) before she found herself laying underneath her for whatever reason that meant shit.

"For the love of fucking God, not again!" She heard that noise very, very far away… It sounded like Hook. Or Louis Armstrong.

Who cares?! When she was being pinned down by one Regina Mills, nothing else mattered.

(But she should have thought about _that_ change of positions, surely. You know, from the standing to lying down one. And she would, any other time. Because that was what she did as a sheriff of a creepy town full of magical hateful fuckers making death threats, always ordering crazy revenges and with a knack for erasing their shit with spells.

Her job as sheriff included having to analyze stuff and read dog's thoughts, save people from supernatural bullshit and bicker with an evil delicious sorcerer about bat shit things as learning to cook a proper meal because _'Miss Swan, Henry needs to eat enough vegetables in order to have a normal and healthy teenage life and grown decently for his age, so you better make him do it because if something happens to him after you and your disastrous taste for trash that'll clog your arteries in no time came to wreck every effort I put to keep him happily fed with food that won't make him roll like a ball before he hits puberty, I'll be sure to make you pay for it. And I'll enjoy every second of your torture.' _Or something like that. The blonde couldn't be sure because she was always staring at the impossible brunette's lips or eyes the whole time so that was that. Though it was totally Regina to bicker about something as meaningless as the menu when they went to family outings at Granny's.

Whatever! The point was simple, she should have spared a thought or two about the fact that, due to the gravity laws, the bitchy woman was, as regally as only one Regina Mills could ever manage, sprawled on top of her right after they were _standing_!

Not that _standing _would be right choice of words either. More like she was pressed against hard bars with Regina's hot as motherfucking hell form molding her body like they were one. And now they were grouping on the floor for whatever reason. Which was pretty disturbing in every way.)

Yeah, but the woman was _deliciously _moaning on top of her and fuck if she cared about shitty details.

Not when she had one hand inside that luscious black hair, the other was squeezing the brunette's wicked ass (and now she knew she was an ass girl. Though Regina's boobs deserved an Oscar as well. Christ! It was simply impossible to choose between them!) and their legs were wrapped around each other.

"Lord in heavens! This is outrageous! How can you deal with them?"

How come could she really focus on anything else?

And the maddening woman had her tongue deep inside her mouth and manicured nails scratching her front with abandon.

(There was no denying she would be able to play tic-tac-toe with the amount of marks Regina will most definitely leave on her body. Not that she cared in the slightest.)

But the worst of all were the breathless husky moans that made her question the possibility of cumming on her pants without losing a piece of clothing.

"Honestly, I have no idea…"

It was an impossible feat in her history of sexual encounters so far, but Emma learned to never bet against Regina.

"Jesus, please!" And she was never a religious person – how could she when she had such a crappy life? Most of it thanks to brunette tonguing the sanity off her mind, but screw the details! – though it looked like the evil brunette was bringing the best outta her.

(What a fuck up!)

"Mmn…" There was that little humming noise Regina made every time she was too invested on something else to make a proper comment.

And it was beautiful.

(Emma was used to it and she was damn proud to say she could pinpoint what the brunette meant with every hum she made.

From being tired of dealing with idiots – that usually happens every time her parents are nearby; when Mary Margaret starts to talk; when some peasant dares to make some silly threats or when the town's shrink tries to talk her out of evil plans or give the woman a lesson on the benefits of being good.

Though it was still somehow more used with her Charming family after all. If Neverland was anything to go by.

There were the mad hums that went with a grimace and sounded a lot like a dismissive growl but weren't exactly. Different from Emma, Regina was way too proper to make such sounds. Well, only when the blonde screwed her over, that is. She growled alright those two times.

And last, but not least, those ones she was making just _now_. They were almost content with a note of need to let the former sheriff know she was _really _enjoying herself immersed deep inside her mouth.

Those were her favorites so far.)

"Do you have any idea how much I want you?" Emma rolled them around before pulling dark hair to groan on her ear in abandon and diving to kiss a delicious neck.

But suddenly, she desperately _needed _to see her.

And Regina looked at her with a face that knocked the air off her lungs again. There was nothing and no one as beautiful as that uptight woman in the world. In any world, or realm or land or whatever the fuck those freakazoids called it.

With her hair all messed up and her luscious red lipstick smeared all over her lips (the blonde was absolutely sure her own mouth was looking like a crazy mix between The Joker and Ronald McDonald after a gangue fight in a dark alley from Regina's kisses), her wandering dark eyes even darker with uncontained lust and shinning white teeth slightly biting her lower lip in an elegant show of desire.

It was a mystery how people could admire Mona Lisa. Probably because they never met this goddess of a woman. It was maddening how gorgeous her son's other mother was.

A walking work of art.

"No, but perhaps you could show me _exactly_ how much you want me, Miss Swan." The sinner said and bit her earlobe just because she fucking could.

The blonde growled like an animal in response. Oh how she would _love _to show her that. In fact, she even _planned _to so, in every little aspect to leave no room for misunderstanding. Staring with a lick on that delicious neck and then going down that beautiful collarbone to kiss every inch of skin she could find before she went down-

"Fuck!" Or so was the plan hadn't she felt something coming in contact with the back of her head.

Hard.

"About fucking time!" Was shouted.

"What the fuck?" She asked in barely contained rage as she opened her eyes and massaged her scalp. That fucking hurt!

Turning to inspect what in hell almost killed her, she saw a dirty combat boot that could only belong to the son of a bitch of a pirate and jumped to her feet, ready to beat the motherfucker into a coma.

(However, looking at Regina's confused and red face, she helped the woman up with a hand and a shy smile before glaring daggers at the fucker. She had manners and the brunette was much more important than the nasty pirate, anyway.)

So, with less than civil intentions in mind, she turned around and was greeted by a very odd sight.

Impossible would be the right word.

"Oh thank God! Now can you please help us out of this shit and have sex later?" Hook's stupid comment was hardly registered by her because she was staring in complete shock at a confused Regina.

(That time it had nothing to do with their earlier activities or the other woman's sexy aura. Unfortunately.)

"What are we doing outside the dungeon's cell?" She asked mostly to Regina, but, by the looks of it, the woman was stunned into silence.

How did that happen?!

"Glad to see you're back to your simple minded self, Miss Swan, but could please put your slow brain to work and get us out of here as well?" Jesus Christ! If she didn't need this fucking whore to give birth to Regina, that woman would six feet under already.

What a bitch!

She would love to punch some civility inside that witch's thick skull, but then Regina turned to her as whispered with confusion.

"What happened?"

She deflated and gave the brunette a worrying little smile. Fuck her if she knew.

"Well, after your unnecessary and quite obtuse grouping session, you two, somehow, fell free from the cell bars. I'm sure you would have noticed a lot sooner hadn't you decided to ram into each other like rhinoceros's in mating season again." Of course that was Cora being as subtle as a kick to the dick and Emma couldn't help but hatefully glare her way.

And when she suspected Regina would be blushing and apologizing, the brunette surprised her yet again by ignoring her deranged mother entirely and turning to look at her face again.

(Take that, old cow!)

Emma's insightful response was a simple eyebrow waggle that had the brunette smirking and narrowing her chocolate eyes.

(And goddamnit if that wasn't one of the sexiest things she ever saw.)

Before she could point the fact that yes, they were free to get out of that creepy place to find something more suitable to the things she had in mind, the useless pirate interjected.

How she hated that fucking idiot!

"Hey, can you two please set us free now?" He asked in despair. Good, he deserved every bit of it.

Maybe the two of them should just take the kid and run the hell away out of this mess. They could try to go back to their time without the asshole stopping every attempt to drink or talk shit. And even if they couldn't get back to Storybrooke… Maybe they could be happy here, just the three of them.

Right?

Henry would have his two moms and they would have each other. Of course, they would have to pay the price of never seeing anyone back from Storybrooke – though she highly doubt Regina would be sad by that. And her parents, Emma wouldn't see them again, too.

But well, she lived her whole life without them, it wouldn't be-

"I'm not going to break anyone free, Hook." Regina said with finality.

Wait a minute, what?

"What?!" Hook's yell could have raised the dead back if that was possible and she glared at him.

(Maybe it was possible to bring dead people back and it was better to be safe then sorry. From all supernatural crap that could happen to her, Emma was endlessly disgusted by zombies. No need to test the veracity of that shit.)

"Oh, of course you won't! You will just gallop out of here with your love-sick puppy, take your son and leave us to root in here. Why am I surprised?" Cora seethed some more and Emma was suddenly glad that crazy demon was behind the bars.

It was never too late to have a little justice.

By her side, Regina looked truly saddened by the fact that the whore would think so low of her – or so Emma assumed. And the blonde almost told Regina that it wasn't her fault, her manipulative and heartless mother simply couldn't think high of anyone.

"No, Cora, you are not getting out and we are not leaving." Regina stated with crossed arms and a diminutive glare in a stance that screamed no bullshit and for that Emma was proud. But she still failed to understand why in hell they wouldn't leave.

The creepy bitch looked surprised for a second before arching an eyebrow. And the pirate was still looking at Regina as if she just dropped from the sky.

Said brunette sighed.

"And why won't you?" The whore asked with doubt written all over her face.

No, Prison Break had nothing on them.

(Not that she could disagree with that question.)

"Our son asked me to wait to be released and that's what _we are_ going to do." She put so much strength on that sentence that everyone was quiet for a while.

(And hearing Regina calling the brat _their_ son filled Emma with a silly sense of belonging she really never felt before. She was probably grinning like a fool, but fuck if she cared!)

Cora stared at them in incredulity and something that would resemble respect if that bitch was capable of feeling anything for anyone but herself.

Hook looked stunned and betrayed as if Regina just said she was about to flee away from that fuckery and leave them behind.

(Which they should.)

And Emma felt her face splitting in a crazy smile at the brunette like a lunatic for no apparent reason other than being a creeper with a crush.

(Seriously, what in hell was her problem?)

But then the former Evil Queen gave her a tentative smile and everything else just faded away.

Her less than ideal company; being stuck back in the past because motherfucker Zelena had mommy issues; willingly to stay _outside _the bars of a dungeon when they could simply run away after being accused of a nasty crime she never committed because a pervert blondie kid had a fucking crush on _her_ wife and having to deal with disgusting Hook and Cora mocking her very existence…

Nothing else mattered because Regina still had her eyes locked on her face with a crescent smile on her lips.

Ugh! She needed to kiss her!

"What are you-" The infuriating woman started to ask but stopped her sentence as soon as Emma had her arms locked on her waist and her face a breath away from hers.

That would never get old!

"I'm going to kiss you now." She said because it was only polite. And there was no way in hell she would ever do something without Regina's agreement.

(Even cooking Henry's meals was Regina-proofed after the long-winded speech she didn't pay that much attention because she way lost daydreaming with that delicious red mouth on hers.

And take the moment to know that she absolutely _despised _healthy food!

So she wouldn't start to do it now.)

"Okay." Was the breathed response before she rested her palm on the woman's soft and stunning face and kissed her like hell was about to break loose.

"Fucking hell, not again!"

And it was, one way or another.

* * *

Henry was grinning to himself. Yes, he was happy, thank you very much!

Not that he particularly liked the sight of his mothers making out like it was the last day to live.

He made a face.

No, he didn't need to see _that._

Still, if he just erased that mentally damaging image from his innocent brain and focused on the bigger picture; like how dandy his masterpiece of a plan was going on, all in all, it was a good day.

(Apparently not for the guard who was limping and cussing under his breath, but well, nothing's perfect.)

And he didn't plan to have his moms, Hook and grandmamma locked in the dungeon, but it wasn't so bad. Like it brought his mothers together – that was very, very important to his plan.

In fact, that was his plan! To have mom and Ma dating and being a normal family (well, as normal as they could get with their history) with dinners and movie nights and vacations and saving the world for big bad guys and bringing back more happy endings-

Okay, he got sidetracked.

Still, the rough part was seeing that their True Love's kiss didn't bring them back to Storybrooke. Which led him to a very horrifying insight: was he wrong in assuming his moms were meant to be?

Maybe he was way too focused on having his family back that he failed to see the signs.

Maybe Robin Hood was it for mom.

(Nah, it couldn't be. His brunette mom deserved way better than that guy. Not that he was bad or creepy or something like that. The thief was just… Spineless. He couldn't protect his mom's heart and Henry was sure as hell the man couldn't even put up a good fight against anyone. And that was a very important trait because there was no time to breathe in Storybrooke with the amount of crazies coming to wreck havoc and swear revenge.)

Not that Emma was any better than him, of course.

Sure, she was his birth mom but thinking wasn't one of her long lost virtues. Though she wasn't a coward in any way – maybe emotionally wise – and she was the savior. She also had magic even when she didn't know what to do with it. She also wouldn't win the award of Knight of the Year because her skills with a sword were laughable at best.

(Save for that time she stole a guard's sword to protect his mom and almost impaled the King with it, if not for some other men. That was pretty dope!)

She couldn't ride a horse to save the world.

Better yet, Henry was _sure _the apocalypse would happen before she went near a horse.

But still, there was no denying Emma was in love with his mom. Disgustingly so. All the signs were there. The jealousy (that not even an eight year-old girl could escape from), the care, the attraction... Everything.

And his blonde mom stared at Regina as if she was the sun and moon. Only a blind person couldn't see that.

(Or two blind people: Regina and Emma herself.)

Then there was Regina… She was a little harder to read than Emma (in fact, English was harder to read than Emma; let's just say his birth mom was pretty obvious). But still, she kissed Emma! And after everything he saw, she enjoyed it!

So yeah, she might like the blonde to some extent. Maybe she just wasn't in love with his Ma like the other way around.

But again, why would she suck a death curse to save his Ma? And why would she give Emma her memories with him if she didn't care about her?

Also, she was always staring at his Ma (not as much as his creeper of a birth mother was, of course; no one could stare at another person for so long and so thoroughly without having to face a restraining order); she protected the blonde when she could and was even enduring Emma through long periods to teach her magic!

Not to forget the thing about being jealous of Hook and Walsh, when she went out of her way to learn more about his Ma's engagement and all that. Only to sneer like a mad woman and remind his Ma of her flying furry boyfriend every chance she got.

Whatever! There was no denying it! He knew they felt something for each other.

So what now?

Now he would need to scheme another plan to get them out of here seeing that True Love's kiss was out of the way.

But what?

If True Love wasn't the answer then what could ever-

"Peter, there you are!" Before he finished his line of thought, Elsa was in front of him beaming a lovely smile. It took him some seconds (and a grimace from the blonde girl) to come back to his senses that she was talking to him. He was Peter. "What's wrong? Are your moms okay?"

Was he really that deep in thought that he walked all the way back to the girls' playground without even knowing?

Never mind.

"Yeah, they are okay, thank you. I guess I'm just kinda tired after everything, you know?" His lies were falling quickly from his tongue and he gave her an awkward smile. Elsa just nodded her head in understanding, even when she had no freaking idea about what was going inside his head. "And anyway, I would like to thank you for defending my moms to your dad, Elsa. That was pretty cool." He said and he meant it.

"It was nothing." The girl replied in a whisper with an embarrassed smile at her feet.

Henry grinned at her.

"It meant everything to me." And yes, losing his cuckoo-crazy mothers over Emma's last show of jealousy would destroy him. He would probably reenact Zelena's curse (or whatever it was) to go back in time and bring them back to life.

Of course, if he still existed in future Storybrooke after his moms' demise which would be hardly possible.

"No, it was my fault, you know? The least I could do was telling the truth to save them. If I just hadn't ran away…" Elsa whispered again and Henry didn't say anything.

First because, yes, it was her fault. But still, it wouldn't be very gentlemanly of him to blame her so he kept his mouth shut.

"And how's my mom?" A ginger head appeared behind the blonde girl and Henry stared at the pair of worried cerulean eyes deep in thought.

That little girl was his aunt. The one responsible for all of this. The one who tried to destroy his adoptive mom out of envy and who took his even younger uncle to make a Satanist curse to make sure his brunette mother would never exist.

He should hate her. Deeply and truly.

But he just couldn't.

"She's okay, Zelena. They are getting to know each other and getting along rather well." His smile wasn't as big as it previously was. But what was another lie after he sold many anyway?

And the girls' smile was kinda of worth it.

They both nodded and went back to their dolls or whatever.

She looked naïve. Zelena, he meant. She was just another girl playing with her friends and having a blast. From time to time, she would look at Elsa and Anna in a questioning way, as if she was afraid of making a fool of herself in front of the princesses. The younger ginger was too absorbed in her talking to pay attention, but her older sister would always give her friend a big grin to make her feel at ease. And Zelena would duck her head shyly and get as red as her hair.

It was so different to see her like that. So vulnerable and in need of reassurance, just like a normal kid.

Perhaps that was when Henry decided to join the girls and received three beaming smiles in return.

He heard from his grandparents that evil wasn't born, it was made. And maybe, just maybe, it was for the greater good his moms didn't break this curse. It meant he could help the girls and they would save so many lives and heartbreaking if that happened… After all, everyone deserved a second chance.

His mom was the example of that; of what love and hope could do and how it could save the darkest soul and give them a reason to live.

"So what are you girls playing? Can I join?" He asked as soon as he came to the conclusion that no matter what, he will protect these girls even from their future selves.

Zelena gave him a brief hug and Elsa explained what their game was about while Anna was giggling and messing with his hair (the three year-old ginger couldn't talk as properly as the other girls, but hell if it would stop her from blabbering every sort of things like she was having a meeting in court. And Emma accused _him_ of talking a lot…)

Though his happiness didn't last much too long and a cold shiver ran down his spine. One that he became acquaintance in Neverland and could only mean he was being watched by someone.

Turning his head to have a better look at whoever that was, he only saw a bright pair of eyes. Not because said eyes were disconnected from a body or something as crazy as that, but the person – the man – was in the dark corner of the room wearing a black hood and from afar, besides his crooked _evil _smile, his eyes caught the boy's attention. As blue-ish as Zelena's and just as cold as the tremor it gave him.

Henry found himself locked in a stare contest with that creepy for God knows how long and as hard he would look at the man, the colder the playroom would become. Or it was just him?

"Don't look at him. Let's just play, Peter." A gloved hand on his arm had him turning around in time to hear her admonishing whisper from a grimacing Elsa clearly as uncomfortable and frightened as he was. He blinked in confusion and she narrowed her eyes.

(Okay, was he supposed to understand this wordless conversation?)

"Why?" He mouthed at her but the blonde shook her head.

What the hell?

What's up with everyone wanting to keep him in the dark? He had a goddamn right to know! It was truly unfair to save everyone when all of them kept him out of everything! First it was his mothers (but that wasn't new) and now Elsa! What in hell-

"He's the tutor I told you about. Just please, ignore him." Elsa somehow explained before he could march to the man and demand an explanation (that would be his very last, after last in fact, option, anyway). Instead, he crawled closer to the blonde and kept his mouth shut (he was capable of that, even when his birth mom didn't believe it). After quite some time that they acted as they were playing, the princess continued: "He has some kind of magic control all over this place." Yes, that he could see. Or better yet, feel it!

"Come on, Elsa! Let's go! You are late for our marriage!" Zelena shouted with a smile and Henry almost swallowed his tongue in shock before looking dumbly at a grinning blonde.

What in dearly heavens?

"Okay, I'm ready!" He looked at the older ginger with wide eyes. Jesus!

He was almost expecting a true ceremony with whoever made marriages in this realm and Elsa's crazy parents to come barging to stop that nonsense (it was no secret they disliked Cora and Zelena deeply, maybe even more than his moms) but instead he saw the girls holding two dolls and pretending to have a dance or whatever.

Oh well…

From the corner of his eye, he saw the creeper moving around in the shadows no doubt to have a better look at whatever game they were playing and Elsa strangled her doll probably feeling his dark magic, too.

And as if wonders would never end, before he could do anything to assure the blonde (not that he had a plan anyway, so there was no love lost here), Anna jumped into his lap and hugged his neck as fiercely as a kid could.

He hugged her back. For no reason other than having nothing in mind to sooth the little ginger.

"He's mean, he hates Zena an' are hu'ting my sis. Ca' you hug me?" Was whispered against his neck and he did hug the girl a little tighter. He felt bad for the little girl, really bad.

For a fleeting moment, he almost dashed out of the room with the child on his arms to share that information with his moms. Tell them what was happening in this castle and who they were up against.

In fact, he was just going to share what Anna told him and hope they would figure out everything else. Like: who was this man and what did he want with both Zelena and Elsa?

And why he could sense this man even when he didn't have active magic (he already decided that he had to have magic by default; being the savior's son should work like that). But, as far as he knew, neither did Anna and she still felt the creepiness emanating from the guy.

Maybe the man was a big creeper and everything that was alive was terrified of him.

Just before he could ask Anna to elaborate her opinion (as much as a three year-old could, of course), Big Creeper of All Realms glared right through the four them (a glare heated enough to have Elsa holding Zelena's wrist with one hand and squeezing his leg with the other) and bolted out of the room like he was late for an appointment with the Queen-

Shit!

A frightened look from the blonde was enough to make his blood run cold and make him dread the future.

Shit, crap, shit!

That must have been his mothers!

Fuck! What have the two of them done now?


	5. Chapter 5

**Disclaimer: **I checked and I still don't own shit.

(I have no idea why Regina's POVs are so goddamn long but well...)

**[**Emma does sound a bit creepy, ello2, I don't know why but she always gave me this vibe of acting without entertaining her feelings (or others, for the matter) and still thinking she was being subtle. And as far as making out to escape prison goes, we wouldn't have Orange is The New Black if that could actually happen, but then again, we are dealing with inmates without magic there...

Well, I hope you like this chapter, Laura. Of course, Regina won't be admitting anything any time soon, but at least she took the time to think about her attraction to Emma or whatever she calls it to make herself feel better. Baby steps, I know, but they are still steps.

MKThrall, sorry about upsetting your OCD, it wasn't my intention. I did correct the last two chapters though and feel free to point the grammar mistakes or misspellings, I would hate to cause you a crisis because I don't take enough time to correct the chapters (it's awfully tiring).

Bem nesse naipe, Milla. A Emma, coitada, não tem a menor chance contra a Regina (e eu entendo perfeitamente porque eu também não teria no lugar dela). E o Henry, óbvio, vai pensar num plano pra lidar com o creeper e 'salvar o dia' causando mais discórdia. Gotta love the little shit!

Thank you, too, Sassgina! They are just like horny teenagers these two. Hope you like this madness as well. ;)**]**

I can't find the first two chapters of this shit in this crappy computer so that's why I still didn't correct them, but I'll find a way to do this. I promise you.

Thank you all for showing appreciation and wasting your time with this piece of crap. Really. And, please, feel free to share your opinions about whatever you like (or don't like) and to point mistakes as well. I have no problem with criticism, as long as my mom's out of them.

See you soon, hopefully. Xoxo

* * *

"Well, maybe we could try to break these bars and jump back inside the cell." Miss Swan shared with an unreasonable smile at her.

Besides rolling her eyes, Regina didn't honor that bizarre thought with an answer.

"Are you being dense on purpose?" Though her mother, of course, wouldn't let any opportunity to berate the blonde pass.

(Not that Regina could fault her for that.)

"You didn't break the bars, Swan, you two just flew through them. So how breaking them would help your case? I'm pretty sure it won't just look like we were trying to escape." The handless oaf mocked the disturbed savior some more and Regina massaged her temples because killing them all was not her best alternative right now. "Hell, they will probably think we are mental if they saw no bars and four idiots willing to still be locked." And until she could think of something less… deadly, it would best if she calmed herself down. "Not that I would blame them actually." Hook's complain was completely overlooked.

For her migraine's sake.

She was _so _ready for all of this to be over.

"Yeah, but how in hell did we do that? I mean, it's kinda impossible to pass through stuff according to physics and shit. This is not Ghost."

Unfortunately, the savior was right (for the very first time in her cursed existence). It _was _impossible in many levels, including in magically wise to simply fall through silver bars covered with any sort of protection spell.

First and furthermost because magic here, in Enchanted Forest, was stronger than back in Storybrooke and more effective. Second, Regina could actually feel the several layers of this special spell and it wasn't an easy one by any means. In fact, this sort of magic was even more powerful than hers, which led her to only one person (right, not exactly a _person _seeing that Rumple was nothing but a rat) and that option was highly unlikely because she knew his magic, everything about it and how it worked so, all in all, the brunette would have connected this to him.

And that, she could not do.

Whoever cloaked this dungeon was strong and very versatile in their flair of spells. It was still dark magic that much was unmistakable if she analyzed the fact that nobody with light magic would have done this to mask a torture chamber. Neither would a _good _person's magic attack hers quite viciously and render her magic useless and dormant.

Oh yes, and through a physical prism, nothing and nobody could simply move through material things as if they were never there. There was no such thing as forcing your body to disintegrate by will.

They weren't the X-Men, for crying out loud!

Still, it did happen. Both of them simply fell through the bars as if said cell was never there (which wasn't the case as she could still see it). To mystify this craziness even more, those were not normal bars; they were made of silver.

And as any magic user should know, silver repelled magic by itself. Every type of harming magic (or any magic different to the silver's owner purpose and style, mostly) would be violently willed to attack whoever dared to break or touch said barrier.

That was why silver was harder to find and a lot more expensive than gold here. It also explained why any supernatural being from ogres to werewolves and genies would shy away from it for its natural function as a magic breaker – it served, if she recalled right, to protect defenseless people from night threats (it was how they dared to call any magic related being), as if anything other than plain and human was against God's good law.

There was a myth behind it all that started long before Cain and Abel's grudge against each other. It said something about creatures of dark and light and said that it all started when Eve, not satisfied in betraying the creator's word, started to practice the arts of magic.

She couldn't care less about all of this silliness, of course. If the woman sold her soul to the devil or made love potions to find herself a fine man was up to her. Though it was still a mystery how a worthless mineral could repel every type of shady magic.

(Regina even asked Rumple, back when he was her tutor, but the imp ranted in so many riddles that not knowing seemed like the best option then.)

That being said, she never met any magic user who could work, enchant or manipulate silver in any realm. It was even written in the Sacred Book of Magic among its laws. And trust her, she read that forsaken book over and over again when she was tying to bring Daniel back.

It said that magic couldn't bring back the dead (oh how she loathed that law!), couldn't make someone fall in love with another person and that dark magic couldn't rupture or harm enchanted silver linings. There were some more things she wasn't invested enough to learn then, but those three were stuck in her mind for whatever reason.

However now she did it, she broke an ancient magic law (with the savior's help, but still). It was as frightening as it was exciting. To think that not even Rumplestiltskin was able to break free from his enchanted silver cloaked cell in the idiotic duo's castle…

(There was no way she could be as strong as the Dark One, that wasn't up for debate. And yes, she used light magic to defeat her despicable sister so that possibly expanded her magic in strength and proficiency, but that wasn't enough to break the laws of magic.)

Because she may have both dark and light magic now, however, this magic surrounding them was primitive and feral as was the same presented in the cell. She would need to have at least centuries in practice of light magic to try to disarm it, layer by layer and not even the repulsive Dark One knew that much about this. Whatever that was, it wasn't a simple counter spell like her heartless mother and disturbed sister used in order to restrain her.

No, it was _still _a spell to contain her magic with some other shady ones to also attack her and drain her power and strength.

(Come to think of it, that was most definitely why she felt so tired and weak as soon as she was incarcerated in this hellish place. It also wasn't a death curse. She already crossed that bridge and came back kicking without feeling any close the how beaten she was now.)

Whoever did this was absolutely sure there was no way to break the spell and survive to gloat about it.

Well, unfortunately for them, they were wrong and both the former Evil Queen and the good-for-nothing Savior did survive to see another day. How and why were still the main questions.

If it had nothing to do with her knowledge and expertise, then it was probably Miss Swan's fault (starting with breaking her curse, that unpleasant woman was always the one blame). After all, she recalled, even in blurry detail, the moment when said disgraceful savior started to push her against the bars and everything started to shake.

(And no, that woman was not _that_ good of a kisser to start an earthquake!)

It was the only option, really. After all, she was locked with the blonde misfit in a kissing spar during this unfortunate mishap. (Which meant she couldn't recall much of anything besides how that hellraiser was making her feel.

Not that it was a good memory.

It wasn't.)

Anyway, it could have happened because the brainless woman was the product of True Love and still the savior. Not a very useful savior at that, but she wasn't the one who gave the blonde that uneatable title.

(A pitiful one at best.)

Emma was perhaps slower than her mindless father in anything regarding the supernatural. And Regina could actually tell because she was the one trying to get through that hard head of hers and teach the idiot something useful for a change.

To say it was deeply frustrating to explain anything to that bothersome woman would be a glaring understatement.

But then again, the other option was to consider True…

No.

That was absurd!

(Yes, True Love was the most powerful magic ever known to mankind, she knew that in gory detail with those sappy Charmings' flaunting that stupidity on her face. It just wasn't the case. First because her True Love, dearly Daniel, was long gone. And second because that was Miss Swan. Case closed.

Nothing good ever came from her cursed family and the blonde was no exception.)

Somehow the latter option filled her with dread.

"Yes, Swan, it should be impossible. But it still happened and how you two did that I just don't know…" The pirate offered with a grimace and a hard stare at her as if that was the brunette's master plan; as if she plotted that craziness and wasn't just as terrified herself. Regina rolled her eyes again; she was more than done entertaining the horrid possibilities for that disaster and didn't need a jealous useless fool to judge her. After a deep sigh he shut his dirty mouth and chose to put his nasty boot.

(Because after Miss Swan abused her for the umpteenth time, the distasteful pirate decided to strip and throw things at the blonde as if he was dealing with an annoying stray cat.

How dared he?!

At least he didn't attack her or Regina would make sure his life would meet the bitter end and it wouldn't be pretty in the slightest. Oh she would make sure of that.

Though seeing that uncouth swine throwing things at the savior was almost enough to make her act on her urges to burn him alive to his doomed ashes. If not for the blonde woman who, against all odds, stopped her with her misplaced chivalry by stepping between the two brunettes to defend her honor.

Unacceptable!

Regina killed for less and the rowdy drunk was very below her class; killing animals was harder than handling that depraved moron.)

_She had her hands on Emma's collarbone while the former sheriff was hugging her waist and massaging her tongue with hers._

_Nothing was being rushed after the silly woman informed her of her wicked plans to abuse her and she, due her shock of facing their strange predicament, somehow let her._

_It was a very sweet kiss._

_For a moment, that is._

_Regina was still unsure why in God's name she kept kissing that crude mouth and finding herself tangled in that woman._

_(Yes, besides running her mouth like her unfortunate lineage, the savior did know just how to kiss her. The exact amount of pushing and gentleness the brunette could endure. And she already established that tonguing Miss Swan was better than hearing her nonsense. But then again, few things weren't.)_

_This could only be a nightmare!_

_(Anyway, back in Storybrooke, she heard something about the insanity defense and she thought that should be an explanation as good as any for why she let herself be manhandled by the dreadful idiot. Seeing that she couldn't blame this madness on the alcohol, that was her only choice after all.)_

_But Jesus! This woman could drive her insane!_

_Right now, only a deep breath from the savior had her biting wet and smooth lips and pulling blonde hair roughly. And it wasn't enough! The train wreck was glued to her body and how in hell she still wanted more?_

_(Then two disrespectful hands held her butt and pulled her roughly into that hard but still smooth body. And her own hands sneaked themselves into a pale back to continue her Dadaist art of marking that fool as hers._

_She soon opened her eyes to see an oafish grin full of teeth she lost count how many times she wanted to punch them down the woman's throat. Like right now, for different reasons though.)_

_It was completely and utterly crazy how that troubled idiot could work her up with only her smirking mouth. And tongue and teeth and those breathy and raspy moans that made her knees weak and scared her heart into frenzy…_

_And how it made her feel… There was no sane explanation for that (not one she would consider without drinking her weight in alcohol, anyway). From being rough or gentle, either way the hooligan would make her feel under water: with a foggy head, hard breathing, galloping heart and buzzing with energy and excitement._

_It was unbelievable._

_Pure and plain._

"_I want you so, so much…" A deep whisper against her mouth was the reason why she opened her eyes to look at the wreck of a woman impossibly close to her (still holding her butt as if it would magically disappear, the shameless fool). Regina looked back just as intently._

_Somehow she knew they were being yelled at – her Mother and her inept pet hated shows of affection of any kind. _

_Still, she couldn't care about them when the nightmarish savior was looking so earnestly at her._

_And Emma never looked so messy. But oh so sinfully beautiful. The blonde then closed her bright vivid eyes and gave her a tiny lopsided smile on her deep red lips with Regina's lipstick smeared all over her face. Her expression was serene as if she just knew she was being analyzed by the former Evil Queen._

_She couldn't help herself and gently placed her palm on heated cheeks._

_(Insanity defense it is!)_

_Her smile grew bigger and the brunette's heart soared by the sight while her stomach did somersaults._

_So chaotically majestic._

_(Regina decided she could blame someone for having such abnormal thoughts later – probably Snow White, that burglar was never innocent! – because now, right now, she wanted that terrible woman just as much.)_

"_And I want you, too…" Dark green eyes opened and stared at her in hope, confusion and something else entirely. Something that had the brunette swallowing hard and regretting saying anything._

_(Why in hell couldn't she keep her mouth shut?)_

_But then Emma gave her that crooked grin Regina hated (to love) so much and her heart went skyward in a mad bliss when she felt the blonde's breath on her lips and a tongue licking her in a painful slow motion meant to torture her for every crime she committed._

_Christ! How she fucking wanted that reckless klutz! That was pure foolishness; she was surely losing her mind!_

_Unfortunately, as soon as she held that sly face in both hands to kiss that disturbed blonde with all her might, their moment was interrupted by another one of Hook's dirty boots hitting her savior again._

_After that, the uncouth former sheriff turned around with her sculpted body ready to protect her and yelled every expletive ever heard in history and then some more. Regina sighed. At least when she had her tongue deep inside Emma's mouth they were all safe from hearing so many obscenities. _

_So that was how they found themselves discussing means and ways to get back inside the disgusting dungeon. Or better yet, Miss Swan was throwing impractical ideas and the psychotic duo was mocking her intelligence._

_(Because some of those plans were way past idiotic and downright unbelievable.)_

_Still, she should thank the despicable pirate for saving her from another one of Miss Swan's grouping sprees._

_But she would never. First because she truly loathed that vile bastard._

_And second…_

_Emma was a good kisser, that was all. Way better than Robin if she dared to admit to herself._

_(Which she didn't.)_

_There was nothing more than that. Regina was just being dramatic comparing the savior and Robin. It was just a waste of time to think about it._

_Robin was her soul mate after all._

_And Emma…_

_She was the bane of her existence! It couldn't get any simpler than that._

_Surely, she kissed her once or twice (if only) and it wasn't as disgusting as Regina would have predicted. Maybe it was alright. A fine kiss, just nice._

_Still, it meant nothing._

_No-thing!_

_At._

_All!_

_(Even when she knew, deep inside her black soul that kissing Miss Swan was her option. As brain dead as she the woman surely could be, she still cared enough about Regina to ask her before she violated the brunette. Not that it was exactly asking when she was a breath away and looking hungrily at her. Because it was impossible to say 'no' to that vision.)_

_Still, she asked._

_Just like Robin did._

_Oh Jesus Christ! Not there again!_

_(Where could she turn her brain off?!)_

_In fact, those two were a lot alike. Physically and emotionally as well. Both stubborn, narrow-minded, with a repulsive quest for good and always up to annoy her with mindless banter back and forth._

_Of course, there were still differences. Like how the leader of the Merry Men (seriously?! Who in the nine circles of hell would call themselves that in their right mind?) was still afraid of her even after they started their affair, as if she was a hand grenade ready to blow everyone to pieces (she could, but Henry asked her not to and there was _nothing _she wouldn't do for her son); he was way too tentative and sweet, if not for a little too optimistic and slow brained ruled by his unshakable morals (as if theft was suddenly some sort of spiritual clan composed by good citizens with the best of intentions at heart; as if it wasn't a godforsaken crime)._

_Unfortunately, none of those things were what she wanted or needed._

_On the other hand, Emma was a mess and couldn't spare a minute to think before jumping into action like an excited child high on sugar. She was also a lot more obtrusive, obnoxious, exasperating, forthcoming, awkward, and nosy and her poor vocabulary was vulgar and filled with expletives that could make a grown man cry._

_And besides sharing the same denseness, Emma Swan was not an optimistic by far (thank heavens for that!), though the blonde shared a past of childish crimes, she actually managed to turn her life around and became somewhat acceptable enough. And that garish woman was never afraid of Regina, not even when the brunette was still full on her Evil Queen mode._

_Maybe she was a lot more moronic than the brunette gave her credit for._

_Most people were wise enough or at least had a sense of dignity and self-respect to take the hint and mind their own business, however the godforsaken princess was either too simple or lacking in common sense to shut her mouth and simply let Regina be._

_But God forbid if that insane woman couldn't make her feel everything Robin (and all her earlier affairs) didn't._

_Except it all came back to the goddamn tattoo!_

_Sometimes she hated so much that ridiculous lion design…_

_Because Robin may be her soul mate but Emma was…_

_An idiot._

_(With whom, almost four years ago, she felt a surreal connection from the first moment she appeared like a poltergeist on her doorstep with that idiotic crooked smile and giving her Henry (once again), Regina's only source of happiness through ten years. And damn that moron who didn't go away and stuck around to destroy everything she held dear _and _her peace of mind!_

_That woman was just-)_

"-Impossible! Do you have any idea what you are saying, Swan?" The pirate's scornful grunt called her attention. No, Miss Swan probably had no idea what she was even suggesting, she never did. "You can't be serious right now." The man was pulling his already chaotic hair with his only hand as if whatever the mad blonde said was killing his brain cells or giving him a migraine.

Well, Regina knew the feeling.

"Seriously, dear? Are you really suggesting we should try to bend these bars so you two could squeeze yourselves back inside?" Cora asked stupefied. Oh, so that was why Hook was a step from committing suicide. "Is she really being serious?" Suddenly her mother was questing and staring directly at her with an expression that could only mean she was expecting Regina to laugh and say it was all a joke.

The brunette made a displeased face. If only it was…

Now they knew how tiring it was to deal with that unwise hooligan on a daily basis.

(Still, the looks both of them were shooting her stupid fake wife did not sit well with her at all.)

She sighed in distress. There was simply no ending that insanity and it was up to her to deal with her idiot.

_The _idiot!

"Emma, you are aware that those cell bars are made of silver, right?" At hearing her condescending voice, the brainless blonde turned to her with a confused look and nodded her head.

Jesus Christ! What in heavens name was the mental problem with that woman?!

"I do know that. Okay, not about the silver part or whatever." Or whatever? Was that the oh so good savior who came to give people their happy endings? Christ! What a joke! "But, I mean, we need to get back inside, right?" Regina gave her one firm nod. "Yes, so we can't break those bars, we can't bend them and I heard you, Hook!" She grunted after the pirate's 'as you should bloody know!' before looking at the regal brunette again. "And yeah, I know this fucking dungeon is cursed and shit," Emma just continued her grumpy rant as the three of them sighed and frowned every now and then. That woman's lack of magic expertise (and brain cells as well) was simply absurd. "-you know?" No, she didn't. And didn't even pretend to pay attention either way. "So our only option is to repeat what we were doing and hope-"

Before Miss Swan could finish her startling conclusion, Regina felt _it_; the owner of said magic coming closer. And it was terrible.

Her head fogged as if someone was trying to break her mental walls to disintegrate her brain – like they were trying to wreck her mind and swept it clean. Her whole body was trembling and her lungs felt like they were collapsing, as if she was drowning and they were full of water. Her vision got blurry because her eyes were most definitely watering from the mental pain. And she was sure her heart stopped.

For at least a few seconds anyway.

"Hey! I got you! It's okay!" Emma was holding her shaking body with force and if not for the lump in her throat Regina would have yelled at her because it wasn't. Whatever was happening was very far from okay. "Jesus! Please talk to me! What's wrong?" Even with tears falling from her eyes the brunette could still see the concern and worry on Emma's face.

And how wasn't she feeling it?!

Was Regina really the only being haunted by _that_?

"Swan, hurry! You need to bring her back inside _now_!" No, apparently the pirate felt it as well if that shout was any indication. And, looking at his disgruntled face, the former Queen could see how frightened the man looked. He was pale, his mop of a hair was all over the place and his eyes were shinning with tears while he looked right inside her soul with a pleading expression.

Maybe only villains were haunted. It made sense after all.

"Fucking hell! What's up with this fucking noise?!" Her head immediately turned to the blonde who let go of her body and had both hands covering her face while Regina gathered herself up with the help of the bars. "Jesus Christ! I'm going insane!" And she did look the part. The savior was pulling her hair in a mad fury much like the insipid pirate was doing few moments ago, kneeling on the floor and rocking like a mental patient.

"You two need to get back inside, come on!" Hook yelled again and she turned to see him holding her forearm probably trying to push her back inside with his only hand as if was as simple as that to get through those bars.

Her mother was hugging her knees to her chest and saying a prayer in a desperate attempt to shoo whatever or whoever was coming their way away.

(And Regina would have taken the moment to entertain the idea that yes, her mother was asking God's help – and that was completely insane. Though she didn't have the time to amuse herself with Cora's inclination towards any religion now. Not when she was almost praying herself and she was far from believing in anything.)

It was getting closer, she could feel. It was like a dark cloak was about to embrace the dungeon and drain the living lights out of them.

Still, different from when she first felt this presence a few seconds ago, Regina found herself a little more collect – as much as she could. Amazingly enough, Hook was also somehow calmer now, still very distressed, of course, but not as much.

(It was as if he also gave up on hope and was just expecting them all to be drained dry.)

Though Emma and Cora were very close to a breakdown. It was very hard to watch it.

The pirate was cradling her mother and shooting worried looks at Regina as if she knew what in hell was going on. And Emma…

Emma was a bumbling mess.

It was clearer now. She could actually see a dark fog approaching the savior's light as if she was seeing it all from another dimension. And no, _he _wasn't anywhere near the dungeon yet, but he willed his magic to act like his eyes, he was watching them. And that spell Regina knew. It was the same one she used on her magic mirror; it was exactly how she enchanted Sidney to be her eyes no matter where she was or what information she wanted to know.

(And she had no idea how she knew this dark and twisted person was indeed a man. After all, her terrible sister was free. But by some superior power, she just _knew_ this couldn't be a woman's job.)

So there was only one reason she could find as to how this man could actually stalk them; whoever he was, he enchanted this whole castle. Maybe it was Elsa's father.

(No, that man was weak. Pathetically so.)

That was how she found herself mutely watching a dark fog of magic (if she had any doubts about its conjurer purposes, now they were long gone) forming tendrils on the ceiling and the walls and approaching them, little by little.

(It was terrifying yes, but she was rendered motionless seeing that. For every inch it moved inside that distasteful place, the darkness was swallowing the light; more precisely Emma's.)

"Regina…" Her head snapped to the blonde's direction after hearing her whiny breathless voice and broken expression. God! She must be suffering so much… "What's happening? I don't understand…" The savior said trying to get up and supporting herself against the bars.

Well, she didn't understand it either.

(Looks like not understanding was the new black. Quite literally.)

The black tendrils were up above them, she could see it all painting the walls like a shadow and so, so very close to her that she was feeling her magic simply vanishing from her body. How in hell was that happening?

"Come on, please! Get back inside!" Hook was pleading in a whimper and she almost rolled her eyes. Weak fool! However, knowing that he had their best interests at heart (for once), Regina controlled her urge to incinerate him (and the fact that was getting weaker by the second was a big motive as well) and turned to look at the Savior.

No, Emma and Hook could not see the dark manifestation she was seeing, though it didn't mean the wrecked savior couldn't feel it if her determined eyes were to be considerate.

"Tell me what I can do, please…" Before the end of her sentence, the blonde was again a breath away from Regina and looking at her as if they were about to die (which was a high possibility). The brunette took the moment to admire those _charming _features for a while (because that irrational princess was extremely gorgeous; as gorgeous as infuriating) and, interestingly enough, Miss Swan's face were contorted in anger for whatever unreasonable motive floating through her empty head. "No! You are not giving up! _We are _not giving up! I refuse and you should too! What about the kid, huh? What will become of him if-"

She seriously gave up on that pointless speech because trust that cursed woman to annoy her to her last breath.

So she just shut her mouth.

(The fact that Regina used hers to do that was an unfortunate detail, but, as people said, it was the means to an end – it meant that she had to shut that mouth before her magic was sucked out of her body.)

Then something just as absurd as finding herself with her tongue deep inside Emma's throat (again) happened. Those tendrils of dark magic retracted a little as soon and they started their kissing battle.

(Not that she could see, but she felt all the same.)

Miss Swan suddenly interrupted the kiss to glare angrily at her.

Dear lord what now?!

"This is not a goodbye kiss, okay? This is not!" Of course, if the blonde had a useful brain, she probably would have felt the air a little clearer after they scared that unsettling dark magic away. But she didn't. And she just _loved_ to talk. Regina rolled her eyes, that nuisance of a woman was plain mad. "I mean it! I'm not letting you go! Not now-"

"Will you please just shut up and kiss me?" She sneered at the idiot who, at the very least, honored her first demand. The savior was, if you can guess, with her big mouth gaping like a black hole. Holy heavens! Did she really need to be that dense? "Do I look like I'm giving up here, Emma?" She snapped again. In fact, she was a step from slapping her across the face before that unknown magic came back with vengeance and killed them both thanks to the moron's inability to keep her goddamn mouth shut. "So what in hell are you waiting for? A rin-"

Before she could scowl some more at the brainless idiot, the gears finally turned inside that vacant head of hers and her mouth was being abused by an angry tongue.

She sighed.

Not that she _liked _to kiss that fool, but she had little to no option about how she was going to get back inside the cell.

And unfortunately, she needed Miss Swan's mouth for that.

(Any other reason was simply unacceptable!)

"Mmn" The blonde mumbled into her mouth and Regina should have known that a kiss was all it took to make that idiot forget their very difficult and deadly position. Couldn't she be any more irresponsible?

Better not to know.

So she used her body to trap the reckless woman against the bars again without any complaint for her less than wise company. It was good while her silence lasted.

"What-" Miss Swan interrupted the kiss to give her a confused look and rehearsed a question that had Regina shutting her up with a finger.

It was time to test her theory so this idiot better do her part or God help them all.

"Do you trust me, Emma?"

The brunette could say it was an intense moment. From her question to the way she was looking at the blonde clown and being stared back, it was as if there was another conversation happening.

(One she did not wish to partake in at all.)

"Yes." Was answered after a heartbeat or two and came with a genuine happy smile that had the former Evil Queen paying more attention than she should before she put herself out of that reverie.

She couldn't afford to play the irresponsible card too.

(She may or may not have smiled back but that was not important.)

"So kiss me now." And the savior did. With her usual expression between determined and just hopeful, she kissed Regina with a vigor that really made the brunette forget the own plan.

(You see? This klutz was always messing with anything she plotted!)

For whatever reason, everything faded when those insolent hands got familiarized with her butt and pulled her hair forcefully again.

It was just surreal how quickly they found a rhythm in any mood they decided to kiss. It was as if her idiot always knew how she wanted to be kissed and that was plain terrifying.

_The _idiot.

But when push comes to shove, she did what she had to do and after asking a raspy 'are you ready?' that went unnoticed on swollen lips, she squeezed her- _the _moron forcefully against the cell with moans flying around in the air, scratched those rock hard abs she secretly liked more than she would admit with her other hand lost inside a blonde mane full of knots (probably one of her gifts) with her teeth biting a lower lip and being rewarded with a loud groan.

Okay, maybe she did enjoy herself a little too much.

(She certainly did.)

But after she strangled the bars and roughly grinded her hips against Miss Swan and they fell backwards inside that ungodly dungeon (Regina really needed more appointments with the bug after being somewhat content from being locked. Surely she was losing her mind.), there was no place she would rather land than above that little fool.

Yes, her plan worked. And of course it would, she was Regina Mills after all.

"Motherfucker!" Seriously? That amount of expletives falling from the blonde's mouth already lost its appeal (not like that cussing festival ever had any). She rolled her eyes at the crude savior. If she didn't know better, Regina would have guessed the foul woman was raised by wolves. Perhaps she was…

"Oh thank God!" Hook exclaimed with a smile on his voice from somewhere near but before she could set herself free from Miss Swan's tentacles they hugged her harder.

Oh here we go again…

"Hey there, you okay?" Facing the fact that yes, as long as the troubled blonde still had arms, Regina was fighting a lost battle to evade them. So she looked at the messy former sheriff who was beaming at her. What in hell was this woman's problem? "You know, I kinda like the view from down here. It's truly beautiful." She rolled her eyes at her idiot. _The_ idiot. Christ!

But _the _idiot was still Snow White's spawn which meant that she was about to be annoyed. And true to that, the moron winked at her and Regina couldn't help but laugh.

At her idiotic face.

The mentally challenged savior, of course, lost the memo and decided to laugh too. Because she was that stupid.

"Shut up, just please… Shut up." Regina admonished and shook her head but it only made the crazy woman beam in response.

"And kiss you, right?" The crazed grin she was receiving was probably a living proof of why she shouldn't try to save people's lives. They always got the wrong idea, the blonde under her especially.

She sighed. Life was so very difficult…

"Right." She scowled in answer and saw the mad idiot beaming before focusing her heated stare on Regina's lips. "Only because it will shut you up." She completed her train of thought and, as if she was sharing a joke, the obnoxious savior laughed like the crazy woman she was.

Before she could ask what in heavens name was wrong with her, said mental woman dived at her mouth and kissed her without her permission (how dare she?!) with a hand on her hair and the other where everyone already must know by now.

Jesus! This woman was worse than a teenage boy!

"Well, at least when this ogre of a woman is kissing Dianna she can't talk nonsense or cuss like a sailor. Though I still don't know what is worse."

Regina bit the disrespectful blonde's bottom lip with force, if only to make her pay for that insolence. But obviously, the brainless moron did not register that and decided to pant on her mouth.

Ridiculous improper woman!

"Neither do I, lass, neither do I…"

But then she was being rolled around and came to face a foolish grin from up above her. She almost rolled her eyes – because Regina Mills was _not _a bottom! – still she wasn't fast enough because that happy mouth was back at hers in no time licking her bottom lip and smiling smugly.

As if she could win a battle against the Evil Queen…

"Is this the best you can do, Miss Swan? Because I really expected more after everything you told me… Perhaps I read too much into it." She whispered with a smirk while she played with the woman's tunic. The fool just stared angrily at her.

(Oh well, maybe she went too f-

She didn't have time to finish her own thought before the wild blonde's tunic was flying away and she was being pulled to a sitting position by strong arms that, as soon as they completed their task, were on her hair with a mouth moaning huskily on her ear a sentence she knew far too well.

"You have no idea what _I am _capable of." She would have scoffed at that if said mouth wasn't attacking her neck and that bloody woman didn't start to ride her like she was in an equestrian competition. Emma was grinding so madly against her that for a moment Regina was afraid of them falling through the ground (God knows nothing was impossible after that madness with the cell). "Is it good enough for you yet?" She panted before licking her neck and biting her earlobe. "Because I can make you feel so, _so _much better." Without stopping her hips, a hard bite followed this nonsense and Regina found herself growling in abandon before she pulled the woman forcefully by her hair and attacked her mouth.

"Well, I don't know about you, but I for one would have Swan's obscenities over this any day, lass."

"No, Emma, it still isn't." Regina moaned on the blonde's ear and before the savior could try to regain her upper hand, the brunette threw her at the wall (better avoid the bars) with magic.

"Jesus Christ! What in lord's name is wrong with them? This is not- It's just… I can't even!"

After seeing Emma's stunned expression (for which she gave a smirk), Regina slowly walked the distance with the most sensual saunter she could manage and stopped just in front of her with arms supporting her weight right on each side of the blonde's head. Miss Swan's was completely gone and just swallowed in reply. Poor savior!

"What do you want me to do, Your Majesty?" Her voice was hoarse and her eyes were so very dark that only that vision made a shudder run through Regina's spine.

That woman was screwing with her head, she was sure!

"Kiss me, Emma. Kiss me now." She whispered back and her idiot didn't fail to follow her order.

Just as soon as Emma's mouth was touching hers, she was being pressed against the wall yet again with the savior's hands holding her thighs to help her lock her legs against the blonde's waist.

"I want to do so much more than kiss you, you know?" Was whispered against her ear followed by horny panting and little sexy bites that had her hips grinding against Emma's rigid stomach. "Will you let me, Regina?" The hooligan asked while she gently squeezed one breast a licked her neck to sooth her earlier aggression.

(Since when this woman was so eloquent?!)

And fuck! She was so turned on she would be agreeing to be Snow White's maid of honor right now!

Her answer was a very animalistic moan and it was up for interpretation.

She licked Emma's chin (she really,_ really _like that ridiculous chin) and started to rock her hips against the blonde more sensually. "Maybe I'll let you. If you play your cards right, of course." That was all bullshit! She would be fucking the savior in no time if not for how uncomfortable being crushed against that horrible wall felt.

"Maybe it's your time to throw things at them and see if they can let go of each other, Cora. I already tried it but they don't respect me."

(That was a lie. She would still fuck Emma against that uncomfortable wall _if _they were alone. But they weren't, that was the problem. And as gone as she was in that moment, she, unfortunately, could still hear the despicable handless pirate's voice.)

But the blonde didn't need to know that, of course. And what the savior didn't know wouldn't haunt Regina afterwards.

"I'll play whatever you want me to; I'll be whatever card you need me to be, Regina." Lord in heavens! That cursed woman will surely be her downfall! Goddamn Snow White for giving birth to her! Why didn't she kill that nosy pixie when she had the damn chance?!

Anyway, she pulled Emma's mouth back at hers because no matter the deck or who dealt her heart wrenching cards, she _desperately_ needed her.

No questions asked; she wasn't prepared to think about it.

And she indulged herself in the pleasure of simply having the blonde's toned form against her; of pushing her tongue inside her mouth and having her strong arms holding and teasing her.

(Apparently Emma couldn't decide between squeezing Regina's ass or massaging her breast, but the brunette couldn't reprimand her for that. Not when she was loving every single ministration.)

"Are you _really _asking me to strip, Hook?"

When her lungs started to burn, Regina was forced to end their kiss, sadly. But surprisingly Emma rested her forehead against hers and just looked at her face. No moronic smile and no hungry stare, it was just the woman she vowed to hate staring right inside her soul.

(Whatever the blonde was trying to accomplish, Regina didn't know.)

"Yes. I mean, no! I mean, if you want to? Aw! No need to punch me, lass. I was just kidding. See? They stopped already, no need to be aggressive!"

Regina whimpered. She definitely _loved _those eyes staring at her.

"What do you want from me, Regina?" After a long stare contest, Emma finally had the courage to ask her. Of course, she wouldn't just keep her mouth shut and of course she _had _to make it all difficult by asking impossible questions.

She should have seen that coming.

And what Regina wanted from her? Hell if she knew!

How could she possibly answer that if she herself didn't know what she was feeling?

On pressing matters, she just wanted that woman to keep doing what she was doing now. But in the long run… She had no idea whatsoever.

"I mean, if you do want something from me, that is…" But the more she took to reply, the sadder the blonde was getting and for whatever reason, the brunette could not see that idiot in low spirits. "It's cool if you don't. Okay, not exactly _cool, _but I'll try to-"

"I don't know, Emma. I'm sorry but I just don't know." She whispered back before she got wrapped in another one of Emma's embarrassing rants. The addressed woman looked depressed and was probably thinking of turning back to do God knows what.

(She couldn't let that happen.)

"It's okay, I guess. I'll just-" It was a whisper but she still heard and watched her idiot trying to detangle their bodies and unlock Regina's legs from around her waist. To no avail. "Hey, could you-"

And there was Emma talking nonsense once again.

"No." To show how she wasn't willing to let go, she squeezed her legs around the blonde. And the poor woman looked miserable. Strangely it didn't lift her spirits as it most definitely would prior to this trip.

"Look, I know we kinda have to pretend to be married and stuff, but this-" She made a wild gesture to show their position. "doesn't need to happen, oka-" Of course that brain dead fool would make her talk about it. It was not a surprise after all.

For some reason, the possibility of not having that messy woman kissing her or even _near_ her (as in glued-to-her-body near) was sickening.

"Jesus Christ! Why can't you shut up, Emma?! For God's sake!"

So she had to make her shut her mouth. It was her only alternative out of this. Really.

But as ever, Emma Swan couldn't listen to her.

"Hey, I'm trying to be-" Oh lord! This idiot!

"Obnoxious and annoying, as always." She then untangled her legs from Miss Swan's waist and tried to right her appearance to something at least average; seeing that proper was so out of her options card now.

"You know what?! Whatever! I was just trying to talk-" Regina started to walk away but that nuisance was really wearing her already thin patience!

"Trying to make me talk about something I'm not prepared to, that's just what you were trying to do!" The former Queen spat at her with a glare heated enough to melt silver and steel. With arms crossed, she defied the pest to say something.

(Regina should know by now that challenging that stupid savior wouldn't bring anything good.)

"No, I wasn't. I was just-" Still, the woman tried to babbler her point of view.

There was no stopping that family's running mouth!

"Playing the victim because I can't give you a proper answer." Her smirk was cold and from her narrowed eyes she saw the annoying savior swallowing hard. Good. "And that's because I don't have a proper answer, Miss Swan. But of course you wouldn't think about it, right?" Walking towards the damnable blonde, she stopped in front of her, just to see her trying to deny it.

"I'm sorry I didn't think-" And she didn't even bother enough to try to deny anything.

Somehow that got her enraged. Of course the good and holy Emma Swan wouldn't spare a minute to think about the Evil Queen's feelings!

How could she be so naïve?

"You clearly didn't, but that's not new." Regina scowled before narrowing her eyes at the moron. "And I don't want a thing from you, you idiot!" Her tone regressed back to her Evil Queen glorious days, she knew that. Full of hatred and anger.

But as sure as the day was long, the loathsome former sheriff could never take a hint.

"Of fucking course you don't! You have that useless thief to follow you around like a fucking creeper all day! Why would you want something from me, right? He's your fucking soul mate because of a fucking tattoo! Jesus! Where in hell did he get that crap from? I'm pretty sure there's no Miami Ink here!" After that cussing show, the disturbed chatterbox gave her a look so sharp it could physically cut.

She massaged her temples. Surely there was a plausible explanation for all that nonsense coming out in a hatred scowl.

What in hell Robin had to do with any of this craziness? The man wasn't even here! She wasn't thinking of him! So why would this moron bring him into the conversation?

Only if…

No, it couldn't be.

(Right?)

"From trying to mate like senseless animals to arguing like a pair of unstable children, they really do cover all the bases, right?"

But it was still the most reasonable explanation she could think of.

The blonde was being nasty to someone who never did anything against her. Yes, of course, Emma wasn't a saint, but hating the man just because of his rash tattoo?

It looked like jealousy. And that couldn't be possible.

"Can you please shut up? Christ!" She sighed.

But staring at Emma now, it looked just like jealousy. How she had her hands closed in fists, how her eyes where shinning with betrayal and rage, how she was looking like a caged animal.

"Well, what can I say? What you see is what you get with these two, lass."

(When Regina thought about some of the kisses they shared earlier it all made sense. That was why the blonde was kissing her like she would never have another choice.)

Oh God! What would she do now?

"Hey! You can't tell me to shut up, it's fucking rude!" Her urge was to choke this idiot to death. But she decided against it.

(It was still surprising that out of the two of them Emma would be the one to think about Robin.

No that she hadn't compared the two of them just few hours ago. But she had the right to do it! He was her…

What did he even mean to her anyways? And why it was so hard to decide now after she kissed this loony woman?

And did Emma even know she was being jealous?

By all means, Regina doubted. Besides being dense as a door, Miss Swan didn't take the time to come in contact with her feelings. Just like her.

Anyway, it was still unfair to be put in that position when that distasteful wreck didn't even know why she was lashing out at her.

Not that Regina had any idea about what to do with her insights.

Lord above, what a mess!)

"Your vocabulary is rude and I've been telling you to keep quiet all day long. Or does a 'kiss me' makes that much of a difference?" She sneered at Emma's face who, by her part, looked like she was physically slapped.

So yes, the savior was jealous.

"So what? I'll just have to choose between the two dreadful possibilities of having they assaulting each other in anger or like horny mindless beasts? How can you manage that?"

The blonde's green eyes were watering – if not from hate then from sadness, or whatever was fueling her now – and the woman was trembling like a leaf.

And Regina felt something tug at her heart at this horrid vision.

Although she was still unsure if she was willing to attend her foolish heart.

"You know what? Fuck you! Just fuck you, Re-_you!_" Emma yelled in a tantrum with closed eyes.

Because she was close to crying.

Regina was close to slap her for putting them both in that position in the first place.

Couldn't the forsaken woman just let things be?

"I usually manage it with rum. Gotta love the effects of alcohol. At least Swan's screeches don't seem too loud or too annoying to hurt my ears. But I suppose you'll learn this as you go, Cora."

Absolutely not, that was Snow White's spawn after all.

Jesus Christ! This can only be karma!

The fact that she was still feeling somewhat at odds from seeing the savior's wrecked expression was unbearable.

(And the blonde could have punched or shoved her, but when she just decided to suffer alone through this… That was even more heartbreaking.)

She _simply _had to do something.

Goddamn woman!

"Because I may not want a thing from you, Emma, but I want you to kiss me." She chose to tell the truth. Not that it ever worked in her favor anyways.

But when they burned every bridge and Regina would certainly be stuck in this cursed past line for quite some time with the woman, it couldn't be that bad.

(Except that it could. Nothing good ever came her way from having feelings for someone.

Not that she had feeling for the moronic blonde, of course.

Maybe attraction, but that was it.)

After hearing that, Emma finally opened her watering green eyes to look at her like a mentally disturbed patient who escaped the asylum and just hit the runaway.

What was up with that family and their slow brains?

"I- you, what?" Regina rolled her eyes. Saying that stupidity one time was uncomfortable enough and now the idiot wanted to hear it again?

"Does Miss Swan suffer from any mental disease? Perhaps some family gene or anything of the likes. Do you know something about her parents, Hook?"

The brunette took a deep breath. Of course she would need to say it again because the stuttering fool was staring at her like a lost puppy.

It didn't mean she was willing to though.

"Are you deaf or brain dead, Miss Swan?" Probably both, she decided. Anyway, Regina asked not really waiting for a response, which was good because she would probably spend the rest of her life to fish something out of the mental woman's mouth. Emma was just blinking like a lunatic who woke up from a sleep curse so it was probably going to take a while. She sighed again, this woman was more tiring than whoever was sucking her magic. "Yes, you moron, I _want_ youand I want _you _to kiss _me._"

After that, she waited a few seconds.

Emma was tilting her blank head from one side to the other like she was manifesting a demoniac possession.

Any time now.

"Unfortunately I do know her parents, lass. And I believe you are right, they are not exactly bright. I just hope the little lad escapes whatever madness is running on their blood."

But more seconds passed and Regina really didn't have time for coyness so she glared at the mindless blonde.

That glare fortunately woke her up from whatever trance she was in and a shy smile crossed her lips.

"I- okay. I can do that." The idiot said with an eager smile and took her hands – that were still closed in fists in case she lost control of her magic and burned this stumbling fool.

The brunette breathed more easily after that. For insane reasons.

Still, the unstable woman was just smiling at her face as if it was fucking Christmas and Regina _so_ didn't have time for this!

"So?" Her foot was tapping against the grime floor, otherwise she was the perfect image of calm and serenity.

(She didn't slap that hellion just because the savior was still holding her hands.)

"Hey, I'm nervous, gimme a minute." Emma Swan replied with a grimace and good god above if she wasn't a step from getting the hell out of this place after beating some sense inside that impossible woman's head.

(Instead she took a deep breath to calm her temper.)

"You were just kissing me a few minutes ago, how could this be any different?" Though it was asked through gritted teeth, Regina was sure the blonde heard.

If her dumbly nod and sudden embarrass were anything close to a proper answer.

How infuriating!

"It just is. Because…" Emma started to say looking intently at her. But sure, right when she wanted this chatterbox to say any fucking thing the woman bit her tongue. The brunette shook her head in disappointment (and she should have been used to it by now) and extracted her hands from the blonde's cold paws and turned her back to her. Whatever, it was her loss. "Because I'm an idiot, okay?"

Before she could walk any further away she heard that shout and felt a hand resting on her forearm.

She still had her back to the moron and actually heard when repulsive Hook and her demented mother muttered.

"No need to shout, Swan, everyone already knows that." Regina scowled at the smirking filthy pirate.

Yes, Miss Swan was denser than a rock, but he had no right to mock her!

"Well, isn't this forced road to self-discovery working quite exuberantly, dear Hook? They call it spiritual growth and it's never too late to admit one's flaws. These little wonders never cease to amaze me." She sneered at her monster of a mother too, seeing that was already at it.

Deranged psychopaths!

A tug on her arm made her turn around and look at a blushing Emma Swan.

Yes, she was an idiot. But Regina was the only one who could call her that.

The blonde was _her _idiot and only hers.

"I already know you are indeed an idiot, Emma, so maybe we could move this topic to more pressing matters."

(Not that she would be caught dead sharing her ownership of said idiot. It was still her secret to keep.)

However, as if she had swallowed her tongue all of sudden, Emma simply nodded and looked at her boots.

Regina sighed. She still would have time to concoct a sleeping spell, drink it, fall asleep and wake up before this exasperating woman decided to say a word.

How annoying!

"I'm sorry, I'm not ready to talk about this either and I shouldn't have pressured you into doing so. It's all just confusing and I'm just-" After some time, Emma chose to let her in and started her speech. Just by looking at the blonde's guilty features Regina knew she was in for an endless and mad ride.

There was no possible way to have a normal conversation with that idiot.

(Her idiot.)

So the brunette just held her hand up and stopped her altogether.

"Please, just shut up…"

When she thought that Emma was about to flip a coin and give her a hissy fit, the idiot (hers, actually) just gave her a large and sunny smile and nodded her head as if Regina had done her a favor.

Perhaps she had, seeing that the bothersome woman's lack of filter and brain cells to think before talking nonsense only put her in trouble.

"And kiss you, right?" The uncouth birth mother of her son asked suddenly fidgety and as red Regina's lipstick that still painted the blonde's mouth.

The brunette rolled her eyes. Couldn't she just feel whatever that was for a less idiotic person? Was that too much to ask?

"Yes. I wouldn't be opposing to that. " She sighed and the bipolar former sheriff gave her a rakish grin entirely too opposite from how she was handling this forsaken situation just seconds ago.

"Okay, that was just to check." She didn't punch the blonde, but that was surely a close call. And of course the uncanny savior was probably seeing the exasperation swimming in Regina's eyes because as soon as she failed at her attempt at being charming, the grinning red mouth she missed was locked on hers and the brunette sighed in content.

Emma was finally doing something useful with her coarse mouth and kissing her.

(God! How could she miss those lips so much when she spent almost one day kissing them again and again?)

The idi_–her idiot _finally embraced her waist with those tentacles of hers while she hugged the blonde's neck.

(They were somehow trying to be sweet, as if both of them were even capable of such mysterious feat. But still... They were trying, it had to worth something.)

And Regina kissed back because…

She wanted to.

Oh the nasty things she did to keep that woman from talking…

* * *

"Oh I'm already missing their fights! Do you think it will take too long for them to try to kill each other again, Hook?" On the side of the room, Cora Mills was frowning at the unbearable visual in front of her and complaining to the only person who could share her pain. And the man, as oddly as he looked with that bizarre attire, just glared at the appalling exhibition and nodded at her.

Why would she dare that hateful blonde to be cruder than she already was?

If she hadn't doubted their marriage, probably none of these dreadful passion spectacles would be happening. This was probably her fault.

She still had a long road to walk if she wanted to control her temper and keeping her witty tongue inside her mouth would be a good start as any.

"Well, it never did, so let's just hope, Cora." The man, also known as 'Hook' (and it was easy to see why) mumbled tiredly, as if just looking at the two possessed women on a mission to scare every one with a good pair of eyes away with their frivolous demonstration of lack of decency and manners was somewhat making him sick.

She was sick as well.

Still, even when she worked day in day out waiting tables and serving any and every sort of pervert swine, the auburn haired woman never had the displeasure of seeing such revolting affair as these two decadents claiming to be noble were intended to display.

(By the looks of the two indecent women less than respectable dalliance, it wouldn't be stopping anytime soon. On the bright side, besides having the inopportune blonde quiet, they weren't trying to fuck the living lights out of each other. Actually, the less than smart woman was only hugging Miss Dianna with a disturbed beam on her mouth and the brunette was laughing at her disturbed face.

The poor brunette was probably forced to marry that uncouth peasant and now had to make up for it. Cora suddenly felt sad for Dianna. No matter what the brunette might have done, she just didn't deserve such doomed fate.)

And just how a woman as elegant as Dianna could spend a second of her time with the offensive blonde?

Cora sighed in disapproval. At the very least, the vulgar brute wasn't shouting obscenities back and forth.

God forbid a woman using such a lewd language.

"At least Miss Swan's quiet." She told her new acquaintance with a smirk. Better look at the bright side.

"Don't get happy yet, it never lasts long." The charming, if a little unruly, brunette man responded with the same smart smirk and that was when she knew they did have some sort of connection.

At least they have something in common; after all, making fun of that immoral blonde commoner was bringing them close.

As friends.

(She still could feel the man's unwavering stare at her; even from the first time they met. It was as if they had met in a past life perhaps.

Silliness of her to entertain said venue because there was no such thing as that.

But still, when Hook looked at her like he was doing now, it really felt like he simply knew whatever was inside her mind.

And there was something in his alluring green eyes… Something that looked like happiness and incredulity. As if he found something in her that he thought it was lost forever.

That didn't make sense at all!)

"Only until Dianna tries to choke her vulgar wife with her tongue." If only she could choke the insensible woman to death…

"Yeah… Thank God for small victories though, right?" He smirked at her in his different accent, one she couldn't pinpoint and she gave a nod his way. It was sort of good to actually meet a man who didn't objectify her first and assaulted her after (though women could be just as bad, if not worse, as she took that deranged blonde as an example). Hook also looked at her with sad and longing eyes that she feebly ignored. Whoever this man was, she wouldn't let him deceive her like her daughter's father did. It was simply not happening again. "I could really use a drink, you know?" The man by her side interrupted her thoughts and she turned to look at his face. "I should have asked the Queen for at least a bottle of rum before they started to grind against each other like mating animals."

Cora held back her laughter. Not because it was any close to funny seeing that horrendous sight in front of them, actually. But he was right. They should at least amuse themselves with alcohol if they couldn't get rid of that indecency.

(She thought back to the moment their improper behavior managed to even break the laws of nature. Maybe God was punishing them for having no boundaries or respect for others.

But still, Cora doubted it.

Whatever happened there, between one inappropriate activity from another, was magic. She'd come to know it with Zelena. Her child had latent powers just like these two sex-driven beasts. Of course, Dianna was a lot more experienced and educated in said matters – her poor excuse of a lover not as much – and the trace it left in the air reminded her a little of her ginger girl.

For no apparent reason at all.

Better close that can of worms before she lost her mind over it.)

She frowned just before looking at the unruly man by her side and remembering a very important thing.

She did have liquor with her so it wasn't all lost.

(Cora actually stole it from the tavern when all this madness begun. No, she was not planning to drink it when she did that, but it could be used as a weapon.

And she forgot about it until now.

At least one head would be cracked open if she had remembered it before being unfairly incarcerated.

But God works in mysterious ways, so this would be a fine opportunity to make good use of that liquor.)

"Oh, I suppose I have whiskey here, if that helps." She said with a smirk and a wink before pulling a half empty bottle (as you can see, optimism wasn't her strong suit) from inside her very cheap dress. If not for fashion, at least her lack of wealth could mean comfort.

"Wha- How?" Hook asked in astonishment if for her cleverness of for the fact that he was willing his eyes not to roam over her body, she wouldn't know.

She also didn't care.

"Dear Hook, a lady never reveals her secrets." Was her answer before she gave him the bottle to open it.

Not that she was useless, but it felt nice to have someone doing something for her, as small as opening a bottle was, for once.

"Well, let's drink to that!" He gave her a genuine smile before swinging the bottle and wink her way.

"Well, when we finish this bottle I'm sure you'll find out that Miss Swan would make a very good target." Cora smirked at him before taking a gulp of the alcohol as well.

The mysterious man laughed and nodded at her plan and she felt silly and happy.

Perhaps it wasn't so bad to be locked out with these eccentric thugs.

(She would do better without the wicked sex feast happening on the other side of the room, but well, she would take what she could get.)


End file.
